January 9th -Journal Entry

{This is what I wrote today}

"It did not hit me until this morning the cycle that would follow the last couple days. Yesterday, I was uneasy, agitated, restless...I could not concentrate or get interested in anything. In a short period of time I went from the blog; FB; emails; websites; playing chess; TV - nothing satisfied me. I paced. I went for coffee, drove, came back home. Even the football playoffs I looked forward to - watched 25 minutes then went for another drive. One of my teams I like was playing and I doubt I watched a full quarter."

"Today, I am so depressed. I looked at the clear blue sky, the unusual warm day, trying to lift my spirits, nothing. I cannot shake the thoughts running in my head. I told ____(my wife) even before we had spoke "I'm having a rough day." She replied I know." I asked how could she tell and she replied the look on your face, the way you are standing, and the way you walk."

"I am reminded of an email I received some rime ago from a doctor because he has 'MD' behind his name. He said when you are having one of those days, "force yourself out of it - think positive - just resign yourself to the fact that you are not. Keep thinking that way over and over in your mind and before you know it, you will feel better" Had I been thinking clear, had a great vocabulary of words I could have responded perfectly, but this is what I wrote:

"Dear Sir, I would not wish this illness on anyone. I would not want you to experience the major changes in moods, and I would not ever want you to experience my worse possible depression, but if I could, I would like to switch minds with you for just one day and challenge you to this:-- I could feel what it is like to think clear, sharp, happy, positive, enjoy the beautiful day, not shy away from anyone especially those you love - and I will give you maybe just a mild day of depression - thinking of all the things you did wrong, all the mistakes you made, guilt because you have effected so many lives, and how will it ever get better thinking there is no way it will - then Sir, if you can pull yourself out of it, and with my mind make yourself to feel as you did before we exchanged, then I will agree with you. Until then, it is simply not possible to turn the switch of depression off at will. If it were, there would not be an illness that you yourself treat day in and day out." I did not receive a reply.

I wish I could find that "magic switch!"

"It is difficult to put into words what I suffered - the longing that seemed to be tearing my heart out by the roots, the dreadful sense of being alone in an empty universe, the agonies that thrilled through me as if the blood were running ice-cold in my veins, the disgust with living, the impossibility of dying. Shakespeare himself never described this torture; but he counts it in Hamlet, among the terrible of all evils of existence.


I had stopped composing; my mind seemed to become feebler as my feelings grew more intense. I did nothing. One power was left me--to suffer."

     French composer Hector Berlioz; -Memoirs

"My Mind"