At Times I Still Ask...Why?

Today, as so many of you can relate to, depression that has a mind of its own, slowly crept in, even to the point that I feel as though I took no medication at all but knowing full well I did. Why? Where did it come from? Nothing triggered it. Today is a day where I am supposed to be relaxed and in good spirits because I am home not having to work. Football playoffs is on. This is a day of football, pizza and relaxation and yet I pace; I stare at the floor; the bedroom where the shades are drawn and is relatively dark where I can hide under the covers and listen to my sad music beckons me. Depression feeds upon depression*. I cannot get interested in anything. My world is dark grey and no light shines in. Why?

How many times do we - those suffering from manic-depression ask ourselves this question over and over during our lifetime? We are not supposed to feel this way anymore. We are on medication, we go to the doctor faithfully, we are supposed to be better! No, it's not the life and death moods, but at times we wander if what we feel this moment will lead to it again. It has before.

I just wanted to post this to let everyone know that if at times you feel as I do, and are doing everything you know to get better, this can still happen - so you are not alone. Why? I don't know, and I wander if we will ever know. Today, as we improve on research, medication, understanding this illness...it seems as though the strides they are making are too slow. I should not feel this way. So please forgive me if I still ask..."why"?

It is a lonely road

Filled with agony and despair;

That only those who travel it

Can share.

"My Mind"

01/15/2012