Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Words: - CHILD ABUSE

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them"

Richard L. Evans

I want to talk to you, a friend, a little now because I know I will not be in any condition at this end of this. I'd like to say "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart to those of you who dropped me a little note of encouragement either by email, Face Book (Eagle Mind) or on various Bipolar groups and social networks I belong regarding my condition. Those words meant more to me than you will ever know!

I believe that is what all this is about - we share a common "demon" that only we can relate to. I totally admire and respect psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist and therapists and all the specialists who have devoted their practice and lives to make us better and continually try to find a cure, but it is you and I who lives with this nightmare day and night, and we alone know what we go through. This is why it is so important that we help each other -lifting each other up - with just a note of encouragement from time to time.

I made a commitment that I was going to write about a subject that even under normal mental conditions tears my heart out. As my condition continued to get worse, this is almost impossible for me to write. This horrible subject of "child abuse" has always been a sharp pain in my heart. It has been a long time since I first mentioned to you I was going to write about it, so you can tell I had trouble with this. Now, as I allow myself to dwell on it, a sudden rush of sorrow; pity; pain; and major depression slowly builds into a uncontrollable rage that if I do not force myself to change my thoughts, I truly feel what little sanity I have left will explode. "Then why put yourself through it?" I have been asked. I can only say...I just cannot be quiet. Something inside will not rest until I get this out. It burns within my soul.

"What does this subject have to do with Bipolar, and how will it help me?" To start with, it is written by someone who has bipolar I. This illness can reach down and pull from the heart something that one fills passionate about and magnify it one hundred times until it becomes an obsession. Also, when I first published this website, my goal was to try to tell my story, and include whatever I can to the best of my ability to help someone, anyone, even if it just one person. And finally, bipolar is a mental illness, and as you will find out, this subject has mental illness written all over it.

There are thousands of articles, websites, blogs, and organizations that have written about child abuse, so I am well aware I probably do not have anything new to add regarding basic information and statics. However, there may by a slight chance I may add something here you were not aware of, but most of all, I think maybe using my illness and the ability to draw upon my deepest, darkest feelings, it may bring to light this awful subject from a different point of view. I will share couple of stories with you that will make your stomach churn. In my state of mind I hope, I Pray, I can bring this to you through my eyes. I trust when you are finished reading, you will have just a glimpse of how my heart goes out to all the little ones who never had a chance to know what "real" life is. Whatever pain I may feel here is like a drop in the ocean compared to their pain, mentally and physically. Death, in some cases, is the only release of pain they will ever have. They may survive and grow old, but these types of scars will not heal, and death here also will finally close the "mental" wounds.

ABUSE: I hate that word! For me, there is not list a word in the English language so revolting! Of all the people that breathe, I believe without a doubt child abusers are the lowest form of creatures that ever slithered on this earth. These cowards prey on those who either by strength or will, cannot fight back. Their victims are usually totally helpless, defenseless and at the mercy of one who by definition cannot relate to others as human beings, choosing instead to treat them as "objects" for whatever satisfies their own sick mind!

{Ok, I have to calm down --I am getting ahead of myself. I will get back to these abusers later}

Types of abuse:

Physical Abuse - Physical injuries is one of the most commonly observed signs of child abuse. This includes repeated hitting, beating, shaking, throwing, burning, scalding, drowning or any other forms of physical harm to a child. The child will tend to suffer more fractures than other children and bruises or marks are commonly seen or noticed on their body. All these may cause temporary or permanent disability or disfigurement to the child. In severe cases, it may lead to death too.

Sexual Abuse - Sexual abuse is one of the most disgusting and hideous ways to torture these pure and innocent children. Child sexual abuse includes engaging sexual activities with the child, displaying pornography or using the child for pornography purposes. Sexual abuse may or may not occur physical contact with the child. However, even without any physical engagement, it would have already caused the child's mind to be corrupted with these filthy thoughts, given that they are still a child.

Emotional Abuse - Emotional abuse includes words, actions, comparisons or even indifference that are always discouraging or demoralizing for the children. Emotional abuse often results in impaired psychological growth and development. The children are often rejected, ignored, belittled or even criticized by the abusers. This may occur with or without physical abuse; however, there is often an overlap. For instance, unreasonable demands on a child's performance and penalizing a child for positive behavior are forms of emotional child abuse. Any individual who is under prolonged emotional abuse often loses self-confidence and suffers from low self-esteem. Similarly, development of the abused children is often affected in terms of social, cognitive and psychological behavior. Unfortunately, it is detrimental and long-lasting.

Verbal Abuse - Verbal abuse happens when the child is being yelled at or scolded or even humiliated using harsh words. The verbally abused child may develop negative behavior, physical aggression and misbehaving at a higher rate when they are compared to others. In some cases, when they are agitated by the comparisons or comments made by the abusers, they may hit or quarrel with other children or classmates. When the child is constantly abused verbally, the child may become self-destructive and depressed and do things that may harm them.

Neglect - Neglect is a type of abuse where the child is not well taken care of. This includes parents or caregivers paying little or no attention to the child or basic requirements are not fulfilled. Basic requirements like food, proper clothing, hygiene and the attention that the child needs. In most cases, these children will suffer from emotional or mental pain.

Substance Abuse - Substance abuse is also a type of child abuse where child is exposed to illegal drug activities. This includes child being drugged so that parents or caregivers are able to control him/her, using the child as a middleman to sell or distribute the illegal drug and other substances, or manufacture of a controlled substance in premises occupied by children.

Abandonment - Many people do not know that abandonment is also considered a type of child abuse. Abandonment is when the child is being left behind and the parent's identity or their whereabouts are unknown. This may cause the child to suffer from serious harm (physical or mentally). Physical harm such as improper upbringing that causes the child to be lead astray. Mental harm such as the child will be growing up without their real parent and that might make them feel inferior to other children.

STATISTICS: 

In 2009*: 

I Can Feel it Coming...

Sometimes it comes fast and unexpectedly. Other times I can recognize it, and even though I know it's there and what is coming, I have not found a way yet to stop it. Depression is creeping inside me. Each hour, it is worse than the one before. How severe it will be is always unknown.

With that comes the fear of what might follow. Consulting with my doctor, we have some "thoughts" of the reasons why after all these years the manic-depression has changed, but basically she is as baffled as I am. The mania cycles that come with manic-depression are more severe than ever before and it is scares me. Like I mentioned in the last post, it could be that my mind is thinking of different things that it really had rather leave alone. I don't know. My hope for today is it will be a medium depression followed by a nothing else.

"Others imply they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But theses experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: your irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."

K Jamison

Be back as soon as I can...

"My Mind"

    

Part 1 "Upbringing: The Innocence of a Child"

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Proverbs 22:6

I have tried to keep this short. I have cut 6 pages off already. As my hero John Wayne would say "I am the one that goes around the mountain when ya could have cut through the pass." Sometimes it takes me eight pages to say what most could say in a paragraph. There is so much I want to say about this subject that touches my heart. 

When I was thinking upon this subject the title kept coming into my mind. The word "upbringing" is to me more of an old fashion word, but when I looked it up, it was exactly what I was thinking:

Upbringing: "The way the child is raised: care and teaching given to a child by parents or other people."

Synonyms: Actions, atmosphere, aura, backdrop, cultivation, culture, education, environment, framework, grounding, history, preparation, qualification, rearing, seasoning, tradition, training.

Of course everyone agrees genetics makes us who we are. Our beloved parents gave us our eyes, hair color, bone structure and much more. From them we also inherited some "traits" that, like it or not, this is who we are. In the one of my posts a few weeks ago "Bipolar - It's In The Genes" I quoted Dr. McMahon as saying: "It has been known for a long time that bipolar disorder and manic depression are the most genetic of all illnesses."

That's a powerful statement. A very sad statement for most of us. But for this page regarding the environment of a child growing up, I am taking all mental illness out of the equation. For this one setting, for arguments sake let's assume both parent(s) and children are mentally normal.

I've combed over sites for weeks reading various researcher's views on what is THE MOST determining factor on how we become who we are: Genetics or Upraising. The results will shock you...many contradict each other. So, I'm going to give you just a little bit of information, and a LOT to think about.

"The nurse gently places the tightly wrapped bundle into my wife's exhausted, but waiting arms. Her forehead was wet with perspiration. She looked down at the little girl she carried inside for almost nine months. There is a "glow" about my wife's face that I have only seen at childbirth. It's indescribable. She softly whispers the little girl's name for the first time outside the womb." 

Scientist have always concluded that before birth the infant learns the "melody" of the mother's voice. Now that melody was reinforced by the actual sound, in the same tone, for the first time outside of the womb. I don't think even scientists can measure the significance of this!

 From that very moment forward begins the process of shaping who the child will become. Even the smallest of things- positive or negative- can result in the make-up and therefore the possible outcome of this child into adulthood. When you think of it that way, it is a HUGE responsibility! Through genes, this little child is a by-product of the mother and father. That part is already completed. Now, the infant's little mind is already starting to build based on the information it is fed.

I would like to quote a segment from the piece: "From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development:

"Like constructing a house, brains are built upon a strong foundation. This starts before birth, and is very important during the first three years of life. Brain cells are the "raw materials" and a child's experience and interactions help build the structure. Heredity determines the basic number of "neurons" (brain nerve cells) the child is born with."

"Before birth, the baby forms trillions neurons and "synapses" (connections between the brain cells) then it needs. At birth, a baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are in the Milky Way." 

{Below is one of the points I want to make}

"A child's experience, good or bad, influences the wiring of his/her brain and the connection in their nervous system. Loving interactions with caring adults strongly stimulate a child's brain, causing synapses to grow and existing connections to get stronger. Connections that are used become permanent. If a child receives little stimulation early on, the synapses will not develop, and the brain will make fewer connections."

"Stress can become toxic when a child has frequent or prolonged experiences like abuse or neglect. High levels can cause brain cells to die and reduces the connections between the cells and certain areas of the brain, harming the vital circuits. In other words, the wiring of the house can be severely damaged or wired wrong if a child is exposed to repeated and longtime stress without the assistance of a caring adult."

I hope we get this! It is not hard then for us to come to the conclusion that like a computer, the adage "garbage-in-garbage-out" applies to a child's mind a million times over. What you program in that little but powerful computer as he/she grows up, will give you the results "you" entered. 

I have said many times over a child's mind is like a sponge. It is so true. A sponge will absorb any type of liquid it comes into contact with - good or bad. If you pour a small puddle of pure bottled water down, the sponge absorbs it completely. If you pour a little puddle of toxic poison down, it will absorb it just the same. It does not know the difference. 

As is with the mind of a child. The young mind will absorb, take in, quickly analyze, categorize, and file and label  EVERYTHING it comes into contact with in newly built storage cabinets. At this stage, it has no reason to think "wait a minute, this is not right" because it does not have anything to "compare it to."

If you ever had a computer you have used for years, you know by experience that over time there are so many programs running in the background, the computer's speed gradually slows down. You have thousands of megabytes used from everything you created and saved, file downloads, videos, junk that has been downloaded and not been purged, and all kind of programs that you do not even know about running from sites you have visited. Suddenly, you decide you can do one of two things, First - if you have the savvy to really do it right, you can basically wipe the drive clean and start fresh. Or, you go and buy a new computer - one that has the software, hard drive, programs already loaded - but no information.

Remember when you got the "brand new" computer and turn it on for the first time? It's so exciting! You hurriedly set up new files, download all fresh data, adjusted the settings just the way you like it, put a new favorite screensaver on that you like - it's all new and even has more memory then the "old" one!

Unfortunately, we cannot do that to children's our minds! WE adults; parents or guardians, are totally responsible for what data or images are entered into that precious child's mind. Nothing, no matter how bad we want can undo what has been done. Doctors and scientists have proven that everything felt, seen, and witnessed by a small child may be forgotten as they grow up - hidden so deep the memory may never retrieve - but it can never be erased. It was the material used to build the little structures foundation and will subconsciously be used to grow into a young child, teenager, and adult. 

Think of it this way. I'm in my early 50's. While not considered old by any means think of all the things I have witnessed in just 50 years! Look around at all the changes in history, technology, politics, economy, religion, family values, social values and acceptance... think of all the feelings and emotions I have dealt with: Love, happiness, security, sadness, life, death, decisions, turmoil, success, failures, feelings from safe to threatened; health, pain, loneliness, evil, destruction...think of the millions upon millions of information has entered my mind through the years of what I saw, read and studied. Think of ALL of this and STOP!

You are 9 years old. What of the above have you felt or witnesses? You probably do not remember back before you were five, so your memory is about 4 years long. What is your mind cluttered with? It is fresh...innocent and pure. Empty of all of the above. This it how it should be.

Myself included, what are we putting in our little child's mind? More importantly though - who is feeding it? If a child is out of bed at 7:00 am, and goes to bed at 8:00 pm, how much time is spent with just ONE of the parents? Six hours (unlikely), three hours? Whatever it is, subtract that from the 13 hours the child is up and going and then that is your answer as to who is programming the mind of our child. Where was he/she? What type of person(s) was he or she with? Do we REALLY know what they believe, what they are saying to them, teaching them with not only words, but with actions; their perspective of raising children; values; morals and the list goes on and on.

Listen, this sounds like I am saying "we" are not good parents because we are not with our children 24/7, and that's not true because there is no way we can be. Trust me, with raising four daughters I have always said I want to move on 500 acres, put a 20 foot security fence around the entire place and raise them safe. Not only is it impossible, but it would not be fair to them because they deserve to live and enjoy life as we did.

History has proven there are no guarantees that a child raised in a loving, warm, caring home they will turn out "good". I am just saying we have ideas, values, dreams, hopes and prayers that our children will be well, healthy and happy when they are grown up. It's OUR responsibility - or rather our Love - that we give them the start they so richly deserve. 

They are innocent of evil. The cruel, inhumane world as we know does not exist in their world, unless someone, usually the one they look up to or trust the most, lets the poison in. Their minds are getting closer now to the teen years and still like sponges they absorb all their surroundings. They are now more and more surrounded by outside influences. Still not seasoned to recognize true harm and danger, they are susceptible to more than we realize. Hurt, danger, poison can come in the form of many disguises. But they are not aware of them all. Sometimes by instinct they "smell" danger, but may not listen to their heart. Unfortunately, the abuse or neglect often comes from the parents, or a person they trust or look up to. The abuse, once done, can never be repaired.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

-- Charles R. Swindoll

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coming Next: Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Word  
I may post a few short titles that will be easy on my mind, or quotes that may help you (they always do me) while I am waiting on my mind clear. The all unpredictable manic cycles that come without warning and vary in degree may prolong the next main post. Writing it will surely affect it, pretty much no doubt will trigger it. 

Quote From Kay Redfield Jamison's Book

"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."

— Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness)

"The Change" Quote From: Kay Redfield Jamison

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible.

 Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity.~~Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness)

"You Are A Total Wreck!"

It has been tough. There was no way I could write before now. I still don’t feel like writing, but I just wanted to briefly share a couple of things with you. I will write more later, and in more detail.

I guess you could call this a sequel to the last two I published. On 7th which I wrote: “Ok…Mind Please S L O W Down!” with a follow up page on July 12th “Bipolar --Extreme “Hi and Low” Cont.” if you have not already, I recommend you read them first so you know where I am going with this.

Today is the 21st, and the “Mania” has not yet left me. Thirteen days of my mind being totally out of control. Mentally speaking, these 14 days seems like months!

On July 12th  I went to the doctor. Our intention was to go over the results from the Neuropsychological exam I had recently took. In about three minutes she shut my file and asked me what’s going on? I started to explain about the extreme high I just came off of, and now I feel like I am out of control; absolute rage mixed with depression, and it will not go away. Of course being the professional she is, she recognized immediately what was going on. I kept trying to explain, but she shut me up. Nine years of seeing this doctor and I have never had her talk to me the way she did. Until this point, she never raised her voice or even looked upset. I asked about the tests results and as best I can remember this is what she told me:

“Forget about the test! That stupid test is the least of your problems. You are a total wreck! Do you know you are going through one of the worst case of Manic Attack (Mania) that you have ever went through? It should be gone now but it‘s getting worse isn‘t it?” “Yes“ I replied.

At this time, I will share a link with you that describes some, or most, of what I was going through that very second: This is from wikipedia.org  that offers a entire world of information. This is one short section of what my doctor and myself discussed:

Manic episodeMain article: Mania

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

To be diagnosed with mania according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a person must experience this state of elevated or irritable mood, as well as other symptoms, for at least one week, less if hospitalization is required.”

{The above text in blue is what I was experiencing}

Over the coarse of the years I have been her patient we “half-way” joked of me going into a mental hospital. This time, it was no joke. She wanted me to. She said the they could monitor the change in medication and how I react 24 hours a day, which will be faster and easier on me. She also made a point that although I am not thinking of purposely going out and hurting anyone, the least little thing could trigger me into violence. I sat still for a few minutes.

 “Doc, I don’t want to go into a hospital. You know me by now. I’ll follow your instructions to the letter, take whatever you want me to take, I just don’t want to go into the hospital.” She wrote out the instructions, wrote the prescriptions, and set up the next appointment in one week. She instructed the front desk to tell the answering service at night if I call get a hold of her immediately.

 She had me figured out though. I don’t want to go out and hurt anyone. I don’t want to start a fight either. There were many times I did control myself when I could have had the chance. But there is not a doubt in my mind, if someone came at me, or started something, I would rip his tongue out and shove it back down his throat! His size would not matter. The rage builds up so intense I know without a doubt no one could stop me! Under my breathe I have mumbled “Come on, you have no idea…!”

Now, I ask you this: Does this sound like the person who has been writing this blog? Go back and read the other pages. Different huh? It’s still me. I have just changed because of something way beyond my control.

The above is what happened when I went to the doctor on the 12th. I would like to fill you in what has happened since, but I cannot write anymore now. I do not feel good. There has been some changes, but not a lot.

"My Mind"