Good Morning & Good Night (Re-Post)

It was so hard to close down after I hit the "publish" button on the last page and go to work. Not feeling like being around anyone other than family, and then go to work where it's nonstop talking to employees and customers on the phone for over nine hours straight without a break is hard. Now, it after 03:30 AM and although my mind is so very tired, it still is going a hundred miles an hour - from one subject to the next -until it's even difficult for me to just type this.

I was going to write in more detail tonight (sorry - morning) but I can tell that if I do not shut this down and get my mind off some things, sleep may never come. I did not get in bed until well after 4am yesterday. So, I am going to leave you with yet another couple paragraphs from the book I just completed that I wish all of you could read:

"We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadness's of life and the ofter overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this - through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication - we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh sea -water that will fend off the inevitable inclination toward brackishness. For someone with my cast of mind and mood, medicine is an integral element of this wall: without it, I would be constantly beholden to the crushing movements of a mental sea; I would, unquestionably, be dead or insane."

"But love is, to me, the ultimate more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality."

"An Unquiet Mind"

Kay Jamison

Good Night friends, I am going to try to sleep.

"My Mind"

I am Surviving...

It's after three in the morning, and I needed to write again - or I should say "publish" - because it has been awhile and I just needed to know that later a friend who can relate will read this.

I am still slowly making some progress on the "Child Abuse" page I mentioned would come. Most of it is outlined and typed, but unfortunately I cannot read, type, or edit the page except bits and pieces at a time, then I need a break. I have to get my mind off it awhile. I never thought it would affect me so bad, but now that it's in the final stages, it is something I just have to finish. There are times when I am sitting here typing and I know - for the most part - what is coming next, and it hits me. I have to stop or I feel I will go completely insane - if I am not there yet!

As I mentioned the last time I wrote to you, I had a doctors appointment. Well, let's just say that did not go very well. She is at a loss as to why I am, after all these years in the condition I am in, and I am aggravated because she does not have an answer. I see her again next Monday 5th.

I will leave you with a quote:

“In its severe forms, depression paralyzes all of the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, desperate, and deadened state. . .Life is bloodless, pulseless, and yet present enough to allow a suffocating horror and pain. All bearings are lost; all things are dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is as pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid, confused, and stuporous. It is also vacillating, ruminative, indecisive, and self-castigating. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing is that is not an effort, and nothing at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable, gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison



A Hello Note

Just wanted to send a little note... to my friends. I am having a difficult time writing - as my mind is fighting with the subject; as it does not want to dwell on it. But I promised I will write, so just please hang in there with me, think of me, and I will be back soon...

"On Earth, you lack the language to communicate with the insane. But eventually you’ll learn it. Like the Australian Aborigines, you’ll enter dreamtime. And then you’ll discover what pain, what dignity, what wisdom, and what sorrow lie within the mentally ill."

–Eugene Stein, Straitjacket and Tie

"My Mind"