Part 2 -The "Unspeakable" Word - Introduction

Coming off from writing: Part 1 "Upbringing: "The Innocence of a Child", looking at the date it was published on October 17th, I cannot believe it was that long ago. To me, my mind, it seems like yesterday for my mind still has not settled down. NOT so much because of WHAT I wrote on the page you read, but because of what I had to force my mind to think of, dwell on, all the underlying implications and variables NOT mentioned to get my point across of how critical it is for a child to have the "upbringing" this little innocent one needs and deserves. In other words, if there is "good" there has to be "evil". If there were no such thing in this mad world as "evil" then the word "good" would have no meaning. This is what my mind had to process and dwell upon while writing that. And, WORSE yet is to come.

These series I am trying to write is so important to me. However, even if I had above average writing skills -which I do not- even if without the illness that handicaps me trying to find the right words to get my point across, there is no way I could do this subject justice in just a couple of pages in a blog. I would love to write a book on it, but I do not think there is an editor out there ready to tackle my writing!

I have always had the blessing of being able to look at other peoples trials or illnesses, then comparing them to my own - I am not so bad off. My dad used to have a saying "it can usually get better, but it can Always get worse!" (There's a clue here somewhere on upbringing). If you go back and read the page I published in May entitled: "It Can Always Be Worse" --My Recent Experience, it will give you an example of what I am talking about.

However, as my illness has changed course in the last few years, that blessing I refer to comes with a price, and it is not pleasant. My condition has changed to the point that any diagnosis we (my doctor and I) had established in the beginning is in the trash can. If my mind dwells on the horribleness of this cruel world when it applies to this subject for any length of time, unconsciously I always gradually change from whatever mood or phase I may be in, and feel the pressure inside me build up, slowly climbing, until I am in such a condition I honestly believe if I do not change my direction of thought I will loose it! Now, "loose it" has many implications. Mentally and I believe physically, this body or mind could not stand it. I feel rage; uncontrollable rage and hatred; horrific pity; pain; hurt...and on and on. Just as it is now, I feel my heart beating harder in my chest, I am getting short of breath, my chest feels like 30 pounds is sitting on top of it, the skin on my entire body is tingling...maybe all these symptoms are not real, just my imagination. Some may say "they're just in your mind"...don't forget what the title of this blog is! Ok?

No, I have not been diagnosed as being Schizophrenia, but this is exactly what I am describing. The above is me in these certain conditions. I have to stop now.

 Here is what is next: Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Word: ABUSE

"The Change" Quote From: Kay Redfield Jamison

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible.

 Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity.~~Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness)