A Note - I Needed a Break

 I just have to take another break from my subjects I am working on and just sit down and type whatever I feel. I need this. I have missed it because it is kind of therapeutic for me instead of concentrating and "forcing" something that does not seem to want to come out. How do you manage to organize your thoughts about something so important to you, when you are manic, and as you type your mind goes beyond what your fingers are typing to levels of memory and feelings you are not there yet on the keyboard, and that triggers a higher mania making it even more difficult to write, which causes you to become so aggravated and mentally drained you close the computer down? This wasn't really a question I guess, just venting.

The sudden explosion of a new form of madness - if you want to call it that - many months ago has still not settled down. My semi predictable mind that the current medication I was taking for years and worked like magic is gone. New manic swings I have never dealt with change so fast I never know from one minute to the next what I will be, and the degree of all symptoms - major depression, hyper, racing thoughts, irritable, rage, unable to focus on one thing, uneasy thoughts - and on and on until I could fill a page are at a degree I have not had to deal with before. This is still after the change in some of the medicines. I try to accomplish 5 things at once in my mind, but succeed in none. I bought a journal to keep tract of my thoughts and moods daily, but ended up having 3 running at the same time for different purposes.

But, the good news is I have at least worked out some things in my mind and am making progress on how I am going to brake down the topics into three parts - four if I need a break.  Even though each may not be extremely long there is NO way in this world I could sit at one setting and write it. It would be too much on me and I would go over the edge.

I will leave you with another partial quote from a great author, Professor, and manic-depressive patient herself K Jamison. So much she writes I can relate to:

"...the ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never new those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

It seemed as though she new what I am going to write about.

Until then...

"My Mind"

"You Are A Total Wreck!"

It has been tough. There was no way I could write before now. I still don’t feel like writing, but I just wanted to briefly share a couple of things with you. I will write more later, and in more detail.

I guess you could call this a sequel to the last two I published. On 7th which I wrote: “Ok…Mind Please S L O W Down!” with a follow up page on July 12th “Bipolar --Extreme “Hi and Low” Cont.” if you have not already, I recommend you read them first so you know where I am going with this.

Today is the 21st, and the “Mania” has not yet left me. Thirteen days of my mind being totally out of control. Mentally speaking, these 14 days seems like months!

On July 12th  I went to the doctor. Our intention was to go over the results from the Neuropsychological exam I had recently took. In about three minutes she shut my file and asked me what’s going on? I started to explain about the extreme high I just came off of, and now I feel like I am out of control; absolute rage mixed with depression, and it will not go away. Of course being the professional she is, she recognized immediately what was going on. I kept trying to explain, but she shut me up. Nine years of seeing this doctor and I have never had her talk to me the way she did. Until this point, she never raised her voice or even looked upset. I asked about the tests results and as best I can remember this is what she told me:

“Forget about the test! That stupid test is the least of your problems. You are a total wreck! Do you know you are going through one of the worst case of Manic Attack (Mania) that you have ever went through? It should be gone now but it‘s getting worse isn‘t it?” “Yes“ I replied.

At this time, I will share a link with you that describes some, or most, of what I was going through that very second: This is from wikipedia.org  that offers a entire world of information. This is one short section of what my doctor and myself discussed:

Manic episodeMain article: Mania

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

To be diagnosed with mania according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a person must experience this state of elevated or irritable mood, as well as other symptoms, for at least one week, less if hospitalization is required.”

{The above text in blue is what I was experiencing}

Over the coarse of the years I have been her patient we “half-way” joked of me going into a mental hospital. This time, it was no joke. She wanted me to. She said the they could monitor the change in medication and how I react 24 hours a day, which will be faster and easier on me. She also made a point that although I am not thinking of purposely going out and hurting anyone, the least little thing could trigger me into violence. I sat still for a few minutes.

 “Doc, I don’t want to go into a hospital. You know me by now. I’ll follow your instructions to the letter, take whatever you want me to take, I just don’t want to go into the hospital.” She wrote out the instructions, wrote the prescriptions, and set up the next appointment in one week. She instructed the front desk to tell the answering service at night if I call get a hold of her immediately.

 She had me figured out though. I don’t want to go out and hurt anyone. I don’t want to start a fight either. There were many times I did control myself when I could have had the chance. But there is not a doubt in my mind, if someone came at me, or started something, I would rip his tongue out and shove it back down his throat! His size would not matter. The rage builds up so intense I know without a doubt no one could stop me! Under my breathe I have mumbled “Come on, you have no idea…!”

Now, I ask you this: Does this sound like the person who has been writing this blog? Go back and read the other pages. Different huh? It’s still me. I have just changed because of something way beyond my control.

The above is what happened when I went to the doctor on the 12th. I would like to fill you in what has happened since, but I cannot write anymore now. I do not feel good. There has been some changes, but not a lot.

"My Mind"

Ok...Mind Please S L O W Down!

This is me....:)

Only those who have experienced this knows what I am talking about. How do even try to explain the famous extreme “high” periods to someone who has not experienced them? This is the time where experts says we are at our peek. We will, or can, be very creative. Well I sure don’t understand the creative part.

This is the period where the mind is going ten times faster than I can talk. I cannot quit talking, but it all come out as “gibberish.” My wife has seen these times more than she can remember. I was talking to her, nonstop, but could not finish the subject because my mind has already finished that thought, and was moving on to the millions of other bytes of information it is trying to force out of my mouth; all at once. I would bring up a topic, lets say, what I saw on the news, and then switch to something that happened at work, not really finishing that and would move on to something else.  

This is that period where I analyze everything mostly nonsense. I mean lets get real! Couple of days ago this episode started slowly coming on. I saw a red robin sitting next to a sparrow.

“Do Read Robins know how pretty they are?”

“What?”

“Think about it!” Trying to slow down, “you have a robin that is awesome, sitting next to a sparrow that is nice, but just usual grey, does he know how he is prettier than the sparrow?”

“Well I don’t know dear, I don’t think he has a mirror to look into.”

“Yeah, but picture this…” I blurted out…”two Robbins sitting next to each other, one looks at the other, sees how bright red he is and knows he is just like him. What about that!” 

She laughed a little but gave me “that look.”

Today I could take any subject and break it down and analyze it in 2 seconds. As quick as you could blink your eye. It may not make any sense, it may even be stupid, but hey, what if someday I am really onto something here. The problem is I most likely not remember them in the morning.

This is so hard to even type, because my mind is sorting out the next subject; what will; could; may or may not happen at work, and how I am going to respond. Now, it’s thinking about tomorrow, what I have to do… This weekend…news…next race this weekend…the weather tomorrow and weekend…what I am going to wear…should I change this blog around a little…change the subject to another firs…or go with the one I had planned a month ago…

I cannot catch up. Maybe now is not the time to try to explain. Maybe when I slow down. I cannot type fast but my fingers are punching at the keyboard like I can. You ought to see all the garbage I am typing. Even spell check does not know what it is even supposed to be!

Got to try to clean this up a bit and go. I am very...very tired.

Experts also say the next day we will be off the high, and be a very "low period." They are almost always right about that but I try not to think about it. . maybe I'll try to explain that, if it's not too scary.

I hope this comes out the way I wanted. I cannot proof read it, because my mind will not stay focused.

Later ok?

Bipolar1-Symptoms

I just wanted to share with you some of the symptoms that a person with Bipolar 1 experiences as published by Every Day Health @ http://www.everydayhealth.com/

Bipolar systems are broke down into three types: 1-2-3. The most serious is Bipolar 1. The below is a list of some systems of Bipolar 1:
During the manic phase, symptoms can include:

• High level of energy and activity
• Irritable mood
• Decreased need for sleep
• Exaggerated, puffed-up self-esteem ("grandiosity")
• Rapid or "pressured" speech
• Rapid thoughts
• Tendency to be easily distracted
• Increased recklessness
• False beliefs (delusions) or false perceptions (hallucinations)

During elated moods, a person may have delusions of grandeur, while irritable moods are often accompanied by paranoid or suspicious feelings.

During a depressive period, symptoms may include:

•  Distinctly low or irritable mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Eating more or less than normal
• Gaining or losing weight
• Sleeping more or less than normal
• Appearing slowed or agitated
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Poor concentration
• Indecisiveness
• Thoughts of death, suicide attempts or plans

Their are other traits of Bipolar 1 that is not listed here. What I have found is that depending on which website you go to, the symptoms they list differ from site to site. While most I found had the above symptoms listed, they did not include the entire list, just a few. This site was the most accurate. However, in today's world,  psychologist (including mine) has added another symptom that is in my opinion far worse that the above, including suicide: Hurting others or Homicide.


I will discuss later how I came to the point of being diagnosed as having Bipolar 1 (Above) but for now I will tell you that when I was at the bottom of the horrifying black pit; a scary place that I hope and pray I will never again return, and before I started receiving any type of treatment, of the 20 symptoms listed above I was experiencing 18 - and ALL AT THE SAME TIME!. Then, there are still at least 3 more symptoms not listed above that was demons in my life. Even now after years of treatment there are days when many will surface all at once unexpectedly.


As I write this closing page, every day of my life, day after day, there are some that just will not go away. I don't like it, Oh! how I wish I could change it! But I can't...