"Starry, Starry Night" - Vincent Van Gogh (Previous Post)

"Now I understand what you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
The would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now."

~~~Please watch this video before reading this. It is Perfect!~

Many have recorded this song “Starry, Starry Night” written about Vincent Van Gogh. This video by Julio Iglesias almost tells the story without words.

When I first came up with the thought about writing about Van Gogh I thought it would be rather simple. But as I started writing I realized the information about this great master is limitless. I intended on posting this much sooner then now, but I had to stop and reorganize my thoughts because I had to make a hard decision on what to include and what to omit. I could write a novel, or just try my best to share what information I thought was necessary to fit with the subject of my blog. What ever the outcome, it will not do his life story justice. {Keep in mind who is writing this…a sufferer of bipolar myself and not a biographer!}

From the time of his birth on March 30, 1853 and his death on July 29th of 1890, he painted almost 900 paintings! Since his death, he has become one of the most famous painters in the world. It is said that in this time period, although he was commissioned to paint several paintings, he only sold one. Yet around 1970 a Japanese businessman purchased the “Portrait of Dr. Gachet” for $82.5 million! Saito was so attached to the painting that he wanted it to be cremated with him when he died in 1996...but the painting was saved.

Despite his great success, Vincent Van Gogh was also known as a lonely, tortured artist who many felt was insane or at least on the edge of madness. The debate of his mental condition has raged, and to this day still unsettled as to his mental condition, and whether it was schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, paranoia, or a combination all of this and even more! It all depends on what you read and who wrote it.

In 1888, Van Gogh experienced a psychotic episode in which he threatened the life of Guaguin a personal friend and fellow artist. This episode also brought about the notorious incident in which he cut off a piece of his own left ear, offering it as a gift to a prostitute. Then, {Listen my friends!} he admitted himself to a mental asylum for more than a year.

Starry Night was painted while Vincent was in the asylum at Saint-Rémy and his behavior was very erratic at the time, due to the severity of his attacks. Unlike most of Van Gogh's works, Starry Night was painted from memory and not outdoors as was Vincent's preference. I am a great fan many of his paintings and sketches but “Starry Night” I am very sorry to say, is not my favorite. It is different, drastically different than most of his work. Was this because it was the work of a tortured mind? As always after an artist or author has died, many years' later people will try to “read into” what they were thinking. This my friends is what gets so upset I want to scream! Unless the artist has opened his mind as to the finished work, what makes people 100 years later interpret what he was going through!!! This is what makes Starry Night his most famous work.

After leaving the hospital because he was not getting any better, Van Gogh suffered a severe setback in December 1889. Although he had been troubled by mental illness throughout his life, the episodes became much worse during his last few years. In some of these periods he was either unwilling or unable to paint. His depression gradually deepened. On 27 July 1890, aged 37, he walked into a field and shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He survived the impact and managed to walk back to the Ravoux Inn. He died there two days later. His brother, by his side, witnessed his last words as "La ordedtristesse durera toujours" (the sadness will last forever).

What a shame that in his lifetime the information and treatment we have today could have helped this great artist live past age of 37! In the late 1800's although one was considered insane, mad, crazy and so on, they did not have the knowledge available to them to define the illness. What if, he was in our day, where he could check himself into a clinic where they actually and correctly diagnose his condition, and give him all the resources we have today?

I will print some quotes of letters he wrote, and written about him. Let’s let Van Gogh speak for himself!

Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
Saint-Rémy, 22 May 1889

“But while I stay here, the doctor is of course in a better position to see what is wrong, and will have his mind set at rest, I hope, about what he can let me paint.

But joking apart, my fear of madness is wearing off markedly, since I can see at close quarters those who are affected by it in the same way as I may very easily be in the future.

Again - speaking of my condition - I am so grateful for yet another thing. I've noticed that others, too, hear sounds and strange voices during their attacks, as I did, and that things seemed to change before their very eyes. And that lessened the horror with which I remembered my first attack, something that, when it comes upon you unexpectedly, cannot but frighten you terribly. Once you know it is part of the illness, you accept it like anything else. Had I had not seen other lunatics close to; I should not have been able to stop myself from thinking about it all the time. For the suffering and the anguish are not funny when you are having an attack.”

Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
Amsterdam, 18 August 1877

“Then I breakfasted on a piece of dry bread and a glass of beer - that is what Dickens advises for those who are on the point of committing suicide, as being a good way to keep them, at least for some time, from their purpose. And even if one is not in such a mood, it is right to do it occasionally, while thinking, for instance, of Rembrandt's picture, “The Men of Emmaus.”

Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
The Hague, 19 July 1882

“As for my constitution - Tersteeg is not my physician and he does not understand my constitution in the least - when I want information on the subject, I shall go to my own doctor and ask for it, but I absolutely refuse to discuss it with him any more. But it is certain that there are few things more harmful either to the woman or to myself than visits like that one we just went through. Avoiding these is absolutely one of the first medical orders I shall have to carry out. Never has a doctor told me that there was something abnormal about me in the way and sense Tersteeg dared to tell me this morning. That I was not able to think or that my mind was deranged. No doctor has told me this, neither in the past nor in the present; certainly I have a nervous constitution, but there is definitely no real harm in that. So those were serious insults on Tersteeg's part, just as they were on Pa's, but even worse, when he wanted to send me to Gheel. I cannot take such things lying down. I am looking forward to discussing my indisposition further with you, what caused it, etc."

Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
Saint-Rémy, 22 May 1889

“Again - speaking of my condition - I am so grateful for yet another thing. I've noticed that others, too, hear sounds and strange voices during their attacks, as I did, and that things seemed to change before their very eyes. And that lessened the horror with which I remembered my first attack, something that, when it comes upon you unexpectedly, cannot but frighten you terribly. Once you know it is part of the illness, you accept it like anything else. Had I had not seen other lunatics close to, I should not have been able to stop myself from thinking about it all the time. For the suffering and the anguish are not funny when you are having an attack.”

Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh
Amsterdam, 3 March 1878

It must be good to die in the knowledge that one has done some truthful work and to know that, as a result, one will live on in the memory of at least a few and leave a good example for those who come after. A work that is good may not last forever, but the thought expressed by it will, and the work itself will surely survive for a very long time, and those who come later can do no more than follow in the footsteps of such predecessors and copy their example.

Very true...yet very sad.

My Mind

“We’ll Hang in There Together…OK?”

Some of you may have read the story I wrote about my Mom and her condition before the three of us boys made the extremely hard decision to have her forcefully taken to the mental hospital. It was just about the hardest period in my life.

Having just come from Arizona, she was living with me a few weeks before and I saw firsthand how bad she really was. Myself, and my family witnessed manic – depression, the extreme highs and the horrible lows, along with schizophrenia that to this day most people have only read about. My poor wife being there alone with her during the day had just about lost her own mind in the process. As we know it is hereditary, and it does not necessarily mean it is evenly spread out among the children... guess which of the three boys got the major portion of it? Yep, it’s me…big time.

Now, years later after court order my oldest brother having guardianship and literally picking her up each month and driving her to the clinic for treatment, I am more than proud to state mom is living by herself, and doing reasonably well. She “has her days” like all of us, but to be honest is even doing much better than me!

I gradually brought the subject of my problem to her attention and over the last several years I have found we have “bonded” more than I thought was possible.* I’ll mention my bad days, and she seems to understand if I don’t call or stop by during those mood swing periods. She always wants me to call and update her as to how my doctor visits turn out, and will always ask me “are you hanging in there?” Now we have made a pact together: I promised I would hang in there as long as she did. Unfortunately for my part, I did not think she would be better off than me! So, on my bad days, she asks “are you still hanging in there?” and I reply “I’m hanging by my toe nails” and we laugh together.

Some of you have noticed during my reply to your comments, or messages you send “we’ll meet back here another time, and we’ll hang in there together.” Now you realize that phrase had more meaning than you thought. Just as serious as I am with mom, I am with you also - but you have to do your part for this to work – YOU have to “Hang in there with me, OK?”

“In solitude, where we are least alone.”

― Lord Byron

Part 2 -The "Unspeakable" Word - Introduction

Coming off from writing: Part 1 "Upbringing: "The Innocence of a Child", looking at the date it was published on October 17th, I cannot believe it was that long ago. To me, my mind, it seems like yesterday for my mind still has not settled down. NOT so much because of WHAT I wrote on the page you read, but because of what I had to force my mind to think of, dwell on, all the underlying implications and variables NOT mentioned to get my point across of how critical it is for a child to have the "upbringing" this little innocent one needs and deserves. In other words, if there is "good" there has to be "evil". If there were no such thing in this mad world as "evil" then the word "good" would have no meaning. This is what my mind had to process and dwell upon while writing that. And, WORSE yet is to come.

These series I am trying to write is so important to me. However, even if I had above average writing skills -which I do not- even if without the illness that handicaps me trying to find the right words to get my point across, there is no way I could do this subject justice in just a couple of pages in a blog. I would love to write a book on it, but I do not think there is an editor out there ready to tackle my writing!

I have always had the blessing of being able to look at other peoples trials or illnesses, then comparing them to my own - I am not so bad off. My dad used to have a saying "it can usually get better, but it can Always get worse!" (There's a clue here somewhere on upbringing). If you go back and read the page I published in May entitled: "It Can Always Be Worse" --My Recent Experience, it will give you an example of what I am talking about.

However, as my illness has changed course in the last few years, that blessing I refer to comes with a price, and it is not pleasant. My condition has changed to the point that any diagnosis we (my doctor and I) had established in the beginning is in the trash can. If my mind dwells on the horribleness of this cruel world when it applies to this subject for any length of time, unconsciously I always gradually change from whatever mood or phase I may be in, and feel the pressure inside me build up, slowly climbing, until I am in such a condition I honestly believe if I do not change my direction of thought I will loose it! Now, "loose it" has many implications. Mentally and I believe physically, this body or mind could not stand it. I feel rage; uncontrollable rage and hatred; horrific pity; pain; hurt...and on and on. Just as it is now, I feel my heart beating harder in my chest, I am getting short of breath, my chest feels like 30 pounds is sitting on top of it, the skin on my entire body is tingling...maybe all these symptoms are not real, just my imagination. Some may say "they're just in your mind"...don't forget what the title of this blog is! Ok?

No, I have not been diagnosed as being Schizophrenia, but this is exactly what I am describing. The above is me in these certain conditions. I have to stop now.

 Here is what is next: Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Word: ABUSE

Bipolar--It's In The Genes

With all the uncertainties of bipolar, one thing most professionals agree on is manic -depressive (that's me) is hereditary. At least we are onto something here, I thought, until I read the caption of a recent article by a renown Doctor "Bipolar disorder runs in the family. However, scientists still cannot pinpoint it to one specific gene since there are many other factors that may lead to the manic-depressive illness."

Dr. Francis McMahon, chief of the Genetics Unit of the Mood Anxiety Disorders Program at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) in Bethesda, Md., said "it has been known for a long time that bipolar disorder and manic depression are the most genetic of all illnesses. There have been three kinds of studies, including family studies that show that bipolar disorder definitely runs in families. The other studies were conducted on twins, identical and fraternal."

"If you have a close family member, you have a 10-fold chance of getting bipolar disorder,” said McMahon. “If you do the math, there is about an 80 percent difference of risk of bipolar, which leaves about a 20 percent chance for other factors, and we know even less about what those are.”

Once a psychiatrist goes over the family history with them, there may have been some illness that occurred in adolescence. People can go months and years being undiagnosed and continue to get a number of episodes down the line. “Bipolar is episodic,” he said. “A lot of studies are about what triggers the episode, but there’s very little evidence of why people get it.”

Ok...now if you didn't think you have bipolar, but now are starting to think of an Aunt, Grandma, or someone else in your family who have bipolar, you might be sweating about now. Take it easy for a little while and listen to me.

In my case, the above is absolutely true! Bipolar, to one degree or another can be traced back generations in my family. BUT...it does not mean every person "in line" of that family tree WILL have bipolar. And, I have seen it in my life and read of dozens of examples that even if a great grandchild has bipolar, he/she may have only a mild depression while the sibling may have full blown bipolar1 manic-depression. As I said, I am a witness to this.

Bipolar runs on my Moms side of the family. (Read the page about my Mom "Having a Loved One Committed - -My Experience"  6/26/11.)  What I want to do is try my best to outline my Family History of Bipolar. I will list the ones who I have seen first hand or have heard of:

Grandfather: 8 Children

There is a mystery regarding the early years of my Grandfather. This was before he became a Christian. As very, very small child, I can remember bits and pieces of "hush" talk. Maybe all the details of the talk is blocked out of my mind. I know there is one Aunt who could probably tell me. But what lays deep in my mind, I do not want her to relive any horror memories. I remember he had a temper that almost got him in trouble several times. I witnessed it. When I was with him, I could see a mood change instantly. Not only a mood change, but a totally different person.

Aunt #1

Referred to her above. Of them all, I was the closest to her. We were around each other a lot. She had a rough personal life. I wish I could remember what she commented on about Grandpa, but I cannot. She talked of suicide off and on during the breakup of her and my Uncle. I know she went to a doctor for awhile. We now live thousands of miles apart, so I don't know to what extent she is suffering. Once in awhile when I talk to her, we joke around, discuss business and then she says she is doing "fairly well."

Uncle # 1

My Uncle is, and has been in bad shape for many years. I would list him as Bipolar--with hallucinations and schizophrenia. We tried to get him help, lasted for awhile, then nothing. My Aunt stands behind him and helps when she can. I know he sold 2 fairly new mint condition Lincoln automobiles in a short span of time because he told my Aunt someone placed a monitoring device in them and listens to everything he says. They also watch him. My Aunt tells me I would not believe what she goes through, the only thing she has going for her is he is a Christian. I cannot do anything for him, but Pray with my Aunt.

Uncle # 1 -Above -(2 Children)

Cousin # 1

Second time he has been in trouble with the law. Drug abuse. As recent as a few months ago, was making Meth when the lab exploded and burned over 60% of his body. Girl he was with is in prison, and he is still recovering. The other Cousin as far as I know has a good family and doing fine.

Mom: (You can read about her here) 3 Sons

**From my Grandpa, there are 3 out of 8 children who has bipolar, or worse. Unless they mask it better than me, I have not seen or heard of any other Aunts or Uncles who has Bipolar.**

ME --well...here I am.

Brother #1

He is not as bad as I am, by any means, but he needs help. We are three years apart. I shared a room with him, worked with him for years. He knows about my problem, and his subject came up and he mentioned "maybe I should go to the doctor." My Sister-in Law agrees. I know him though. He will never go. Don't get me wrong, I talk to him everyday. We joke a lot as brothers do, but he will never go to the doctor. He is a miserable human being. I could go on for hours, but my brother is generally unhappy about everything, and I think he thrives on making everyone around him unhappy also. he is not suicidal at all. Maybe bipolar 2-3 and will no doubt be ok. But those around him will suffer because he is "too good" to go to a doctor.. (I intend on discussing the two of us more at a later date)

My 4 Daughters:

Daughter #1

My oldest -mild bipolar traits has seen a doctor, but had to quit because of no insurance. She is special though. Her bubbly personality and outlook on life in general gets her through for the most part. I hear some of the problems she goes through, and I see the traits, and it hurts. She is special in so many ways. Her family is her life, and I think they pull each other through. What contributes the most though is she is very close to her mother, and I know without a doubt my wife helps her. She wants help so bad but cannot afford it.

The rest of daughters, including my youngest who will soon be 10,  suffer from some form of symptom or another. My wife can list probably in detail some of the symptoms more than I. But I recognize certain quirks, or behavior that throws up a red flag. I remember when I was that age. My only hope and Prayer for my girls is that as they get older, the illness will not get worse. I cannot tell you how many days I see myself at their age and then see my life as I get older get worse and worse.

Looking at this, the above doctors were right. The point I am also trying to make is it does not mean each and everyone within that family will be diagnosed with Bipolar. There are no rules, no standards, no predictability. It's anyone's guess. If you have blood relatives who has bipolar and you seem to be doing fine, then feel very, very fortunate the gene passed you up. From my grandfather all the way down to me, look at how many made it through! 

"My Mind"

Bipolar Victims: Keep Pressing On!

*** Please watch this video, listen to the words and follow lyrics before you read this. There is not a better video that could describe the true meaning of this post! ***

Special note to my Bipolar Friends:


I was planning this last night and as I started today, I had to take a break. Lot of things happened this morning that gradually started getting me down. In the kitchen I mentioned  “in passing” what I was thinking of writing to my wife, and she said maybe you should title it “One Of Those Days - Take II.
Believe it or not, I almost did!. But I got to thinking about it more and I realized this is the perfect time to write this! I don’t think I could in fairness write this to you unless I am having one of those days myself, and explain how I have to keep going on, like it or not. I want to give you an example of how I live “The other life.”  Remember! The website address for this Blog is:

www.two-lives-one-mind.blogspot.com

This is what it is all about my friends!


I don’t think it matters if you are suffering with bipolar and having minor episodes of depression, or bipolar I like myself with full blown attacks, it is not easy to put on the “mask” and keep going with the normal day-to-day life. The only difference is depending on the level of bipolar you are, the harder it is to pull off. Myself, there are times when I just want to give up for just one day, call it quits and completely shut myself off from everything and everyone. It is so hard!


Please remember this; IF you choose (I KNOW you did or you will not be reading this) to continue to live on this planet with millions of crazy nuts (Hint: They just have not been diagnosed yet -:) or unless you want to be in a mental hospital where they dope you so much you do not know what month it is, thus, never have the hope of getting out, you have to find a way to somehow keep going. You must! There is no other way around it. If you want to continue on with life no matter how you feel, you have to find that one secret that only you know that will help you make it through. Hey, do not for one minute think I am talking about illegal drugs or alcohol, I am talking about YOU and YOU alone achieving more than you or anyone of us will think possible: put on that mask and go on even when you think ‘I quit!’


What I want you to do, is to remember what sincere recovering alcoholic or drug addicts face. I am amazed by their courage.  I honor them for their courage and willpower. I feel for them when they ’slip’ and have to start from day one again. You ask any of them and they can tell you the exact date from years, months, and days. Every day is a battle. Usually when stress overcomes them, it is all they can do to NOT slip, but they keep repeating the date in their minds over and over.


If you read many of the earlier pages, you will get the idea of how bad I was. Nine years ago, it was greater than a 90% chance I would not be sitting at this computer writing to you today. Or, it was probably just a little lower percentage that I would probably be “Locked Up".
 
Now,  there are some blogs I have read from time to time that the writer with bipolar say they are totally cured. I am happy for them. All I know is from the experience of my family (my mom as a perfect example), research, myself, and what the doctors admit to me, Bipolar I or schizophrenia patients like myself may become remarkably better, but there is not one day that one or more symptoms  has not left me. It is always there. Like a recovering alcoholic, every single day is a battle.


Getting back to my theme here, this is what I am faced with. The last page, and this one also, I do not want to speak to anyone. If the phone rings, I will probably not answer it unless it’s a close family member. I would give almost anything in the world to turn the music up am now listening to up, crawl in bed, and lay there until night. It would not take much for a grown man to lay there and cry. My Mind wants to SHUT DOWN the rest of the day hoping tomorrow will be better. But I cannot do it. I have a job to go to, and my family depends on that income. We cannot make it without the income. I am not wealthy by a long shot so any loss of income for any amount of time and we will be.


Now, keep in mind the my feelings I just described. I know in just a little while I have to get ready and go to work. For the last 12 years I have held an extremely stressful job. During a non-stop 9 -11 hours, I will talk to over 80 customers and employees on the phone. I will have to (somewhat cheerfully) talk in person to about 20 people. Almost every single phone call requires some type of action, and most of the time, I have to make a split decision on how to react. A very poor decision could hurt the company or depending on how serious, even my lively hood. I do not want to get dressed. I sit in my room, looking at the clothes I am about to put on for sometimes up to 30 minutes. Then I start slowly getting dressed. Once I am dressed, I am a little better…until I get in the car and head into the office. I start getting depressed again. I try to concentrate on the different things I have to do every night, and though my concentration breaks many times, I picture myself handling situations that “could” come up--some really hard ones. Every day I say a little Prayer, “please help me make it.”


See, here’s what almost no one realizes. With having serious bipolar for years, and my memory is fading, I have to work 3 times harder the other person. I have to keep notes on a legal pad that sits beside me all the time. Sometimes it takes up two full pages. I am involved in meetings every day with about 7 other people in the committee. They rattle of numbers, specific things that happened days ago. I sometimes remember, vaguely, but most of the time I cannot remember who did what the day before.. I make it through the meetings because the majority of the time I can glance at my notes, and assist in planning the future strategies. Then the action starts. Just recently I was told I do an awesome job. BUT what they do not realize it takes every ounce I have to make it through each day. What anyone could do in a few minutes, it takes me twice as long because of the distractions that constantly comes into my mind. By 4 hours, I am pretty much in full swing. I am almost at my game. The problem now is my mind races a hundred miles an hour and I cannot catch up. I, unlike most, have to continually quickly write down the situation I am faced with and prioritize them or I will start on one problem, switch in the middle to another, back and forth so I am not accomplishing anything. About hour 7, the stress level is getting about to get to me. Not only am I still answering the phones, sometimes 3 lines are holding all the time…(Remember I still do not want to talk to anyone) and my mind is getting very tired. I STILL have to sound somewhat fresh and polite. From then on until I shut down the computer and phones, I am about to loose it. Saturday, after a very long week of this charade, I am so mentally drained I am a zombie most of the day. My mind, even though drained, will not shut down. I take a prescribed sleeping pill for this purpose and about 35 minutes, it starts to relax, then the if finally goes into the sleep mode (like your computer).


The people I am in contact with do not see “the real me.” They will see a glimpse every now and then, and ask if everything is ok, I reply in the most normal tone I can muster “No, I’m fine. Just a little mellow today.” The only one I cannot fool (completely) is my wife. She, bless her heart, has this ability to know when I do not have the mask on. I don’t think she understand how bad I am feeling inside, but she knows I am having trouble trying to hide the real me.


So, how do I do it? I MAKE myself. Trust me, I know what you are thinking: I can’t! We will agree one  main problem here and that is, depression breads depression. It “feeds” on itself. When we seem to be at our worst times, we only want to think of the bad things. We dwell, and feed on all the failures we experienced. We do this so often, eventually that is all we remember. I have no doubt I accomplished some pretty good things over the years, but I cannot recall all of them. But I sure can tell you ALL my faults and failures! When we are at that depressed stage, and believe me mine can get all the way into darkness, I do NOT want to be happy. I WANT to be sad. I listen to sad, heartbreaking music. I do not want to do anything, I just want to be left alone, continually being more and more depressed. This my dear friends is where so many suicides come into place. Life as we know is worthless. We want out so bad we can’t help ourselves. No one will miss us. PLEASE do not believe that for a minute! I now have many more grandchildren that I love dearly. I have a cute little daughter I would not have had. I have the best wife in the world who supports me, loves me, and I don’t think she could bare it if I left that way. And so do you! I promise you with every breath I take, you affect someone. Please understand this!


Remember in one of the first couple pages I wrote describing all the symptoms I have or had of Bipolar I? In most days I don’t have all of them. Some days I have most of them, but there is not a day goes by that at least a couple are always present. But sometimes when I absolutely have to, which is very often, I have to put on the mask and hide it. Do I succeed all the time? No. And you won’t either. So what if you have a day  and you cannot force yourself  to put on the mask and live the “other life” that you need to. Don’t beat yourself up the next day. Usually with me, the other day will be a little better. And so will yours. Just keep in mind, like the alcoholic take it one day at a time. You may or may not see it this way, but I Pray everyday, and my faith always helps. We need faith that we will be ok, if we keep pressing on.


An example is I am on Facebook under "Eagle Mind." If you were to read my wall, there is a real a real good chance you could not tell who I am. I write positive things. I post cute quotes. Sometimes I put cool pictures on. I comment or “like” on a lot of friends funny comments. That is me with a mask on. The other live, in one mind.


In summery, sometimes it will not be easy. It will drain you. It will take everything you have to succeed. I know by experience. But you can make it. I hope somehow in this poorly composed special letter to you, I have helped. I hope you read this and at least give it a shot. That my friend, was my only goal. Hang in there, and keep pressing on! You will make it!


I wish you only the best, and I will saying a Prayer for all of us