Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Words: - CHILD ABUSE

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them"

Richard L. Evans

I want to talk to you, a friend, a little now because I know I will not be in any condition at this end of this. I'd like to say "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart to those of you who dropped me a little note of encouragement either by email, Face Book (Eagle Mind) or on various Bipolar groups and social networks I belong regarding my condition. Those words meant more to me than you will ever know!

I believe that is what all this is about - we share a common "demon" that only we can relate to. I totally admire and respect psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist and therapists and all the specialists who have devoted their practice and lives to make us better and continually try to find a cure, but it is you and I who lives with this nightmare day and night, and we alone know what we go through. This is why it is so important that we help each other -lifting each other up - with just a note of encouragement from time to time.

I made a commitment that I was going to write about a subject that even under normal mental conditions tears my heart out. As my condition continued to get worse, this is almost impossible for me to write. This horrible subject of "child abuse" has always been a sharp pain in my heart. It has been a long time since I first mentioned to you I was going to write about it, so you can tell I had trouble with this. Now, as I allow myself to dwell on it, a sudden rush of sorrow; pity; pain; and major depression slowly builds into a uncontrollable rage that if I do not force myself to change my thoughts, I truly feel what little sanity I have left will explode. "Then why put yourself through it?" I have been asked. I can only say...I just cannot be quiet. Something inside will not rest until I get this out. It burns within my soul.

"What does this subject have to do with Bipolar, and how will it help me?" To start with, it is written by someone who has bipolar I. This illness can reach down and pull from the heart something that one fills passionate about and magnify it one hundred times until it becomes an obsession. Also, when I first published this website, my goal was to try to tell my story, and include whatever I can to the best of my ability to help someone, anyone, even if it just one person. And finally, bipolar is a mental illness, and as you will find out, this subject has mental illness written all over it.

There are thousands of articles, websites, blogs, and organizations that have written about child abuse, so I am well aware I probably do not have anything new to add regarding basic information and statics. However, there may by a slight chance I may add something here you were not aware of, but most of all, I think maybe using my illness and the ability to draw upon my deepest, darkest feelings, it may bring to light this awful subject from a different point of view. I will share couple of stories with you that will make your stomach churn. In my state of mind I hope, I Pray, I can bring this to you through my eyes. I trust when you are finished reading, you will have just a glimpse of how my heart goes out to all the little ones who never had a chance to know what "real" life is. Whatever pain I may feel here is like a drop in the ocean compared to their pain, mentally and physically. Death, in some cases, is the only release of pain they will ever have. They may survive and grow old, but these types of scars will not heal, and death here also will finally close the "mental" wounds.

ABUSE: I hate that word! For me, there is not list a word in the English language so revolting! Of all the people that breathe, I believe without a doubt child abusers are the lowest form of creatures that ever slithered on this earth. These cowards prey on those who either by strength or will, cannot fight back. Their victims are usually totally helpless, defenseless and at the mercy of one who by definition cannot relate to others as human beings, choosing instead to treat them as "objects" for whatever satisfies their own sick mind!

{Ok, I have to calm down --I am getting ahead of myself. I will get back to these abusers later}

Types of abuse:

Physical Abuse - Physical injuries is one of the most commonly observed signs of child abuse. This includes repeated hitting, beating, shaking, throwing, burning, scalding, drowning or any other forms of physical harm to a child. The child will tend to suffer more fractures than other children and bruises or marks are commonly seen or noticed on their body. All these may cause temporary or permanent disability or disfigurement to the child. In severe cases, it may lead to death too.

Sexual Abuse - Sexual abuse is one of the most disgusting and hideous ways to torture these pure and innocent children. Child sexual abuse includes engaging sexual activities with the child, displaying pornography or using the child for pornography purposes. Sexual abuse may or may not occur physical contact with the child. However, even without any physical engagement, it would have already caused the child's mind to be corrupted with these filthy thoughts, given that they are still a child.

Emotional Abuse - Emotional abuse includes words, actions, comparisons or even indifference that are always discouraging or demoralizing for the children. Emotional abuse often results in impaired psychological growth and development. The children are often rejected, ignored, belittled or even criticized by the abusers. This may occur with or without physical abuse; however, there is often an overlap. For instance, unreasonable demands on a child's performance and penalizing a child for positive behavior are forms of emotional child abuse. Any individual who is under prolonged emotional abuse often loses self-confidence and suffers from low self-esteem. Similarly, development of the abused children is often affected in terms of social, cognitive and psychological behavior. Unfortunately, it is detrimental and long-lasting.

Verbal Abuse - Verbal abuse happens when the child is being yelled at or scolded or even humiliated using harsh words. The verbally abused child may develop negative behavior, physical aggression and misbehaving at a higher rate when they are compared to others. In some cases, when they are agitated by the comparisons or comments made by the abusers, they may hit or quarrel with other children or classmates. When the child is constantly abused verbally, the child may become self-destructive and depressed and do things that may harm them.

Neglect - Neglect is a type of abuse where the child is not well taken care of. This includes parents or caregivers paying little or no attention to the child or basic requirements are not fulfilled. Basic requirements like food, proper clothing, hygiene and the attention that the child needs. In most cases, these children will suffer from emotional or mental pain.

Substance Abuse - Substance abuse is also a type of child abuse where child is exposed to illegal drug activities. This includes child being drugged so that parents or caregivers are able to control him/her, using the child as a middleman to sell or distribute the illegal drug and other substances, or manufacture of a controlled substance in premises occupied by children.

Abandonment - Many people do not know that abandonment is also considered a type of child abuse. Abandonment is when the child is being left behind and the parent's identity or their whereabouts are unknown. This may cause the child to suffer from serious harm (physical or mentally). Physical harm such as improper upbringing that causes the child to be lead astray. Mental harm such as the child will be growing up without their real parent and that might make them feel inferior to other children.

STATISTICS: 

In 2009*: 

Part 2 -The "Unspeakable" Word - Introduction

Coming off from writing: Part 1 "Upbringing: "The Innocence of a Child", looking at the date it was published on October 17th, I cannot believe it was that long ago. To me, my mind, it seems like yesterday for my mind still has not settled down. NOT so much because of WHAT I wrote on the page you read, but because of what I had to force my mind to think of, dwell on, all the underlying implications and variables NOT mentioned to get my point across of how critical it is for a child to have the "upbringing" this little innocent one needs and deserves. In other words, if there is "good" there has to be "evil". If there were no such thing in this mad world as "evil" then the word "good" would have no meaning. This is what my mind had to process and dwell upon while writing that. And, WORSE yet is to come.

These series I am trying to write is so important to me. However, even if I had above average writing skills -which I do not- even if without the illness that handicaps me trying to find the right words to get my point across, there is no way I could do this subject justice in just a couple of pages in a blog. I would love to write a book on it, but I do not think there is an editor out there ready to tackle my writing!

I have always had the blessing of being able to look at other peoples trials or illnesses, then comparing them to my own - I am not so bad off. My dad used to have a saying "it can usually get better, but it can Always get worse!" (There's a clue here somewhere on upbringing). If you go back and read the page I published in May entitled: "It Can Always Be Worse" --My Recent Experience, it will give you an example of what I am talking about.

However, as my illness has changed course in the last few years, that blessing I refer to comes with a price, and it is not pleasant. My condition has changed to the point that any diagnosis we (my doctor and I) had established in the beginning is in the trash can. If my mind dwells on the horribleness of this cruel world when it applies to this subject for any length of time, unconsciously I always gradually change from whatever mood or phase I may be in, and feel the pressure inside me build up, slowly climbing, until I am in such a condition I honestly believe if I do not change my direction of thought I will loose it! Now, "loose it" has many implications. Mentally and I believe physically, this body or mind could not stand it. I feel rage; uncontrollable rage and hatred; horrific pity; pain; hurt...and on and on. Just as it is now, I feel my heart beating harder in my chest, I am getting short of breath, my chest feels like 30 pounds is sitting on top of it, the skin on my entire body is tingling...maybe all these symptoms are not real, just my imagination. Some may say "they're just in your mind"...don't forget what the title of this blog is! Ok?

No, I have not been diagnosed as being Schizophrenia, but this is exactly what I am describing. The above is me in these certain conditions. I have to stop now.

 Here is what is next: Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Word: ABUSE

Fighting a Loosing Battle Here...

I just have a couple of minutes but wanted to say a couple of things.

Ok, I'm loosing it! For years I have been settled in and comfortable in a "routine" daily schedule. That is now history. The manic-depression in me that I could understand and almost live with is a thing of the past. The cycles that came and went are now constant with NO chance of a break. Without warning I switch back and forth: in the middle, instant irritability, rage, out of control; then deep depression. The problem we (my doctor and myself) are facing is at times I have all of these at once - going back and forth.

As you can tell, one of the many, many symptoms that comes with this "wonderful" illness is obsessive behavior. Instead of what some do, I feel I have to change the appearance of this blog, over and over. I believe I had it looking half way decient, then I changed it and now I am not so sure.

Then, comes my time. I am second shift Supervisor where I work. I have to leave the house at 2:30 pm for a meeting by 3:00pm. I usually get home about 1:00 am. In the middle of this, I am on here changing things, reading 4 books, reading a dozen or so emails from various newsletters I get on bipolar, reading and answering emails from readers, interacting on many bipolar groups on FB under Eagle Mind, and then, with no time left...home life. That makes me feel guilty...in turn...makes me depressed.

Writing the next main subject comes into play here also. It is hard. Here is a photo that has arrows showing the gauge from severe mania - severe depression. When I am attempting to write about the next main subject, the meter goes near the top...in the red...then to the bottom... while I am typing. Why write it then? I can only answer by saying...I have to.

I will try to write a note sometime in the morning hours. Sorry but I have to cut this short.

"My Mind"

A Note - I Needed a Break

 I just have to take another break from my subjects I am working on and just sit down and type whatever I feel. I need this. I have missed it because it is kind of therapeutic for me instead of concentrating and "forcing" something that does not seem to want to come out. How do you manage to organize your thoughts about something so important to you, when you are manic, and as you type your mind goes beyond what your fingers are typing to levels of memory and feelings you are not there yet on the keyboard, and that triggers a higher mania making it even more difficult to write, which causes you to become so aggravated and mentally drained you close the computer down? This wasn't really a question I guess, just venting.

The sudden explosion of a new form of madness - if you want to call it that - many months ago has still not settled down. My semi predictable mind that the current medication I was taking for years and worked like magic is gone. New manic swings I have never dealt with change so fast I never know from one minute to the next what I will be, and the degree of all symptoms - major depression, hyper, racing thoughts, irritable, rage, unable to focus on one thing, uneasy thoughts - and on and on until I could fill a page are at a degree I have not had to deal with before. This is still after the change in some of the medicines. I try to accomplish 5 things at once in my mind, but succeed in none. I bought a journal to keep tract of my thoughts and moods daily, but ended up having 3 running at the same time for different purposes.

But, the good news is I have at least worked out some things in my mind and am making progress on how I am going to brake down the topics into three parts - four if I need a break.  Even though each may not be extremely long there is NO way in this world I could sit at one setting and write it. It would be too much on me and I would go over the edge.

I will leave you with another partial quote from a great author, Professor, and manic-depressive patient herself K Jamison. So much she writes I can relate to:

"...the ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never new those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

It seemed as though she new what I am going to write about.

Until then...

"My Mind"

Erratic Behavior

Erratic Behavior

I have a lot of catching up to do with my current condition, but I have been putting it off for a couple of reasons. First, I have been on such a roller coaster since I published "You Are A Total Wreck" on July 21st. I was hoping I could at least get on level ground so I could concentrate on writing about it. I was bouncing like a ball from severe mania to severe depression and back again -from the mind traveling a million miles an hour to extremely happy, extremely depressed,  and then explosive rage and irritability  --all changing in not only a matter of days apart, but in some cases just hours. Secondly, I was putting off writing about it because I could not, and still have not got to the point where I am able to write what was going through my mind - my actual thoughts.

Should I? How explicit and honest should I be here? Do you really want to read how this stage of bipolar I took over my mind stronger than it ever has before, even to the point that the doctor was on the verge of putting me into the hospital before the thoughts that continually, over and over, played like a record in my head became a reality? This is why I have been avoiding talking about my situation. I do not know if it is appropriate to write it. Then again, it is one thing to think it to myself but to actually tell someone is almost confessing.

This has been going on for over a month now! I don't know what I will say later. Either way, I may try to see if the current change in treatment will settle me down where I will be able write about these feelings in more clear state of mind.

If you wish to give your opinion, you are welcome to leave a comment.

My Mind   

"You Are A Total Wreck!"

It has been tough. There was no way I could write before now. I still don’t feel like writing, but I just wanted to briefly share a couple of things with you. I will write more later, and in more detail.

I guess you could call this a sequel to the last two I published. On 7th which I wrote: “Ok…Mind Please S L O W Down!” with a follow up page on July 12th “Bipolar --Extreme “Hi and Low” Cont.” if you have not already, I recommend you read them first so you know where I am going with this.

Today is the 21st, and the “Mania” has not yet left me. Thirteen days of my mind being totally out of control. Mentally speaking, these 14 days seems like months!

On July 12th  I went to the doctor. Our intention was to go over the results from the Neuropsychological exam I had recently took. In about three minutes she shut my file and asked me what’s going on? I started to explain about the extreme high I just came off of, and now I feel like I am out of control; absolute rage mixed with depression, and it will not go away. Of course being the professional she is, she recognized immediately what was going on. I kept trying to explain, but she shut me up. Nine years of seeing this doctor and I have never had her talk to me the way she did. Until this point, she never raised her voice or even looked upset. I asked about the tests results and as best I can remember this is what she told me:

“Forget about the test! That stupid test is the least of your problems. You are a total wreck! Do you know you are going through one of the worst case of Manic Attack (Mania) that you have ever went through? It should be gone now but it‘s getting worse isn‘t it?” “Yes“ I replied.

At this time, I will share a link with you that describes some, or most, of what I was going through that very second: This is from wikipedia.org  that offers a entire world of information. This is one short section of what my doctor and myself discussed:

Manic episodeMain article: Mania

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

To be diagnosed with mania according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a person must experience this state of elevated or irritable mood, as well as other symptoms, for at least one week, less if hospitalization is required.”

{The above text in blue is what I was experiencing}

Over the coarse of the years I have been her patient we “half-way” joked of me going into a mental hospital. This time, it was no joke. She wanted me to. She said the they could monitor the change in medication and how I react 24 hours a day, which will be faster and easier on me. She also made a point that although I am not thinking of purposely going out and hurting anyone, the least little thing could trigger me into violence. I sat still for a few minutes.

 “Doc, I don’t want to go into a hospital. You know me by now. I’ll follow your instructions to the letter, take whatever you want me to take, I just don’t want to go into the hospital.” She wrote out the instructions, wrote the prescriptions, and set up the next appointment in one week. She instructed the front desk to tell the answering service at night if I call get a hold of her immediately.

 She had me figured out though. I don’t want to go out and hurt anyone. I don’t want to start a fight either. There were many times I did control myself when I could have had the chance. But there is not a doubt in my mind, if someone came at me, or started something, I would rip his tongue out and shove it back down his throat! His size would not matter. The rage builds up so intense I know without a doubt no one could stop me! Under my breathe I have mumbled “Come on, you have no idea…!”

Now, I ask you this: Does this sound like the person who has been writing this blog? Go back and read the other pages. Different huh? It’s still me. I have just changed because of something way beyond my control.

The above is what happened when I went to the doctor on the 12th. I would like to fill you in what has happened since, but I cannot write anymore now. I do not feel good. There has been some changes, but not a lot.

"My Mind"