My Mind: Rhythmic Disturbances--Could it Be?

I have over twenty subjects that are either in my notebook or in the draft section in the blog, but here I am, unable to start, add to them, or finish any of them. Why? For two days a particular subject has been burning in my heart, but as I sat here, I look at the rough draft and I feel nothing. My mind will not come up with the words. I try, but I cannot find the passion I had when I first came up with the subject that I thought "I just had to get out!" Last night I thought about it over and over and could not wait to write today!

So, I sit here and with a blank page, write what my mind feels like saying. It may not be good, it may not be worth anything, but something will be written Oh, I wish I could explain in words what this feels like. If anyone who does not have my illness, you would probably say to yourself "my heart is not in it anymore." If you could just understand, and turn that around and realize I really and truly want to! I type one line, delete it, type something else, and delete that, until I get so frustrated I just give up. Last night my mind was burning with fire, words coming and going, ideas, everything so vibrant and real.

But this morning, I am depressed. Not only depressed, but anxious, restless, irritable - I am in a mixed-state that most do not want to be in. Symptoms from mania and depression come flowing in at the same time. It's scary! How come many people get "well" or better as they state, and although every day, faithfully I take my medication also, but as I sit here, I could count at least 7 different traits of manic-depression upon me right now?

I know by research that most of us who seriously suffer from this illness are, for the most part controlled by "rhythmic disturbances" which moods and symptoms change during the course of the day. Many articles and books I have read on this supports that in some, mornings are the worse. In her book "Touched with Fire" Kay Redfield Jamison quotes British psychiatrists W. Mayer-Gross, E Slater, and M Roth describing this very thing:

"An important and significant symptom of the endogenous depression--but also mania --is the daily fluctuation of mood and of the total state. Improvements of all symptoms usually occurs towards evening, the retardation and depressive mood particularly showing a change for the better. In the morning however, the patient wakes direct from sleep into his characteristic somber mood or is normal for a few minutes, before, as he says, the depression come down -like a cloud"

Guess with my particular work schedule, and everything else going on is just about the only time I can write? You got it...in the morning. I guess I just answered my own question as to why I cannot complete what I want to write late in the evenings. Go figure...

"My Mind" --For sale.

Lack of Writing - An Update:

When I logged into this blog I had no idea what I was going to write, and as I type this I still do not have a clear-cut outline or idea where this will go. At this time, I have no title for this, so I will try to name it after I am finished.

I entered the New Year optimistic that 2012 would be MY year. I do not believe in the typical "New Year resolutions", but I did had personal goals, dreams and plans of what this year would bring, and where I would hope to be when I reach the end of December. However, January was still young when personal problems came pouring in.

My mom, whom you read about, became and still is very ill. She has been in the hospital, rehab, and back in the hospital several times. In addition to the mental illness she faces, her health has changed overnight. The very strong 74 year old mother who up until a year or so ago would briskly walk an easy 5 miles a day, has developed heart problems; trouble with her knee; extremely and dangerously high blood pressure that no doctor or medication has yet been able to control; and now with only the one kidney she has, they suspect it is going south also.

Then, in the middle of this, I have been to medical specialists also. It looks like I am paying the price of the wonderful years of living under the beautiful, hot, southwest sun and skin cancer, once again has developed and I will have to undergo surgery.*

All the above, as you can imagine, has been a challenge to keep my unpredictable manic-depressive - moody, extremely depressed, mania, irritable, angry, dangerous mind… under control. Not writing for a while did not help either. It was just too difficult for me and… this obviously adds to the depression. I have come to realize that dealing with this “mental” illness; worried and trying to help mom; and scheduling and worrying about the upcoming surgery, there is no doubt why I feel as though I am in the center of a ferocious circle of problems - each one magnifying the other until I feel, mentally, it is impossible to handle them all.

There have been so many things I have wanted to write about and I will...as soon as I can. At least I hope you understand, and will "hang in there with me" until I am able to write more.

"Manic-depressive illness is an inherited vulnerability to a disease that can manifest itself in a wide range of fluctuating emotional states, behaviors, thinking patterns and styles, and energy levels. Heightened passions and partial derangement of the senses tend to come and go."

Kay Redfield Jamison

"Touched With Fire"

Bless you all,

"My Mind"

A Note - I Needed a Break

 I just have to take another break from my subjects I am working on and just sit down and type whatever I feel. I need this. I have missed it because it is kind of therapeutic for me instead of concentrating and "forcing" something that does not seem to want to come out. How do you manage to organize your thoughts about something so important to you, when you are manic, and as you type your mind goes beyond what your fingers are typing to levels of memory and feelings you are not there yet on the keyboard, and that triggers a higher mania making it even more difficult to write, which causes you to become so aggravated and mentally drained you close the computer down? This wasn't really a question I guess, just venting.

The sudden explosion of a new form of madness - if you want to call it that - many months ago has still not settled down. My semi predictable mind that the current medication I was taking for years and worked like magic is gone. New manic swings I have never dealt with change so fast I never know from one minute to the next what I will be, and the degree of all symptoms - major depression, hyper, racing thoughts, irritable, rage, unable to focus on one thing, uneasy thoughts - and on and on until I could fill a page are at a degree I have not had to deal with before. This is still after the change in some of the medicines. I try to accomplish 5 things at once in my mind, but succeed in none. I bought a journal to keep tract of my thoughts and moods daily, but ended up having 3 running at the same time for different purposes.

But, the good news is I have at least worked out some things in my mind and am making progress on how I am going to brake down the topics into three parts - four if I need a break.  Even though each may not be extremely long there is NO way in this world I could sit at one setting and write it. It would be too much on me and I would go over the edge.

I will leave you with another partial quote from a great author, Professor, and manic-depressive patient herself K Jamison. So much she writes I can relate to:

"...the ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never new those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

It seemed as though she new what I am going to write about.

Until then...

"My Mind"

Bipolar1-Symptoms

I just wanted to share with you some of the symptoms that a person with Bipolar 1 experiences as published by Every Day Health @ http://www.everydayhealth.com/

Bipolar systems are broke down into three types: 1-2-3. The most serious is Bipolar 1. The below is a list of some systems of Bipolar 1:
During the manic phase, symptoms can include:

• High level of energy and activity
• Irritable mood
• Decreased need for sleep
• Exaggerated, puffed-up self-esteem ("grandiosity")
• Rapid or "pressured" speech
• Rapid thoughts
• Tendency to be easily distracted
• Increased recklessness
• False beliefs (delusions) or false perceptions (hallucinations)

During elated moods, a person may have delusions of grandeur, while irritable moods are often accompanied by paranoid or suspicious feelings.

During a depressive period, symptoms may include:

•  Distinctly low or irritable mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Eating more or less than normal
• Gaining or losing weight
• Sleeping more or less than normal
• Appearing slowed or agitated
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Poor concentration
• Indecisiveness
• Thoughts of death, suicide attempts or plans

Their are other traits of Bipolar 1 that is not listed here. What I have found is that depending on which website you go to, the symptoms they list differ from site to site. While most I found had the above symptoms listed, they did not include the entire list, just a few. This site was the most accurate. However, in today's world,  psychologist (including mine) has added another symptom that is in my opinion far worse that the above, including suicide: Hurting others or Homicide.


I will discuss later how I came to the point of being diagnosed as having Bipolar 1 (Above) but for now I will tell you that when I was at the bottom of the horrifying black pit; a scary place that I hope and pray I will never again return, and before I started receiving any type of treatment, of the 20 symptoms listed above I was experiencing 18 - and ALL AT THE SAME TIME!. Then, there are still at least 3 more symptoms not listed above that was demons in my life. Even now after years of treatment there are days when many will surface all at once unexpectedly.


As I write this closing page, every day of my life, day after day, there are some that just will not go away. I don't like it, Oh! how I wish I could change it! But I can't...