How Much Can I Continue To Bear?

       Natalie Grant - The Real Me

Foolish heart looks like we're here again Same old game of plastic smile. Don't let anybody in Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break. How much will they take before I'm empty. Do I let it show, does anybody know?But you see the real me. Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty...Cause you see the real me!

I chose this song because there was a time long ago when I could successfully wear the mask and at times only my wife could see through; see the real me and know the hurt I was feeling deep inside. Those times have all disappeared. The plastic smile melts before it is visible and now everyone knows. They do not know to what extent the pain is behind the plastic smile, nor do they know how what is exactly wrong with me, or the serious damage it has caused, and still does cause me and my family. "Something just isn't right." That is...for now all everyone sees. In addition living with daily multiple symptoms of the evil illness, thinking inside I am an open book does not help the situation. 

I'm sorry but this is a post like no other I have done I am not going to apologize how this will turn out. I believe you will understand when you finish reading it the state of mind I am in is not in any condition to turn out a perfect article…not that I succeeded it that area in the first place. The normal post, according to most, should be short as to keep the reader’s attention and not ramble on. Well, there are some things I am going to say and if it’s a little long…well so be it.

My intentions, among others when I started this blog were:

• Give you as much words of encouragement I could to lift you up and let you know you are not alone.

• Offer some information and plant some seeds that you can think about, take with you, and give you the desire to research more to learn as much as you can about your situation.

• Share some of my experiences with you that hopefully someday will educate, encourage, or at the least let you know you are not alone.

I hope and pray after all months and yes, years I have spent writing this blog I was able to accomplish a few of the above. I have not asked much from you but I am going to now. I so desperately need some words of encouragement—just a kind note will be worth gold to me right now.

Looking in reverse right now I see signs of my illness of over 42 years. Of that time, the last nine - plus years I have been faithfully going to the psychiatrist, taking whatever medications prescribed to me, seeing specialist and the way I am feeling this very moment, please forgive the sarcasm, all the money spent that the insurance did not pay was basically flushed down the toilet.

The last twenty days have been a full scale war with me. Look up the charts of all the symptoms on Bipolar I and every day for at least twenty days I have had anywhere from five to ten hitting me from time to time with no letting up. You name it from mania; rage; irritable; deep dark depression; the urge to fly away - where does not matter as long as this dreadful blackness following me cannot follow; daydreams; nightmares; and on and on. Looking at it from my point of view this very second the way I see it is a poison releasing itself into my system, even though a slow dose, and am all too aware that if continued even at the same level with no letup - it will surely kill you.

I'm sorry, this is not like me. You all that know me I will try to keep fighting and will continue to "hang in there" but does there ever come a time where enough is enough?

You don't really know the REAL ME! Even those who do know me probably have forgotten over the years. Years ago I was a friendly person who never met a stranger. I was passionate; romantic - I loved with all my heart and soul and my heart raced with romantic thoughts; I looked forward to life - dreamed and fantasized what life could be like; I lived for beautiful sunsets, photographs of beautiful scenes, animals and such. Once in a while, I am able to let a glimpse of this slip through on Facebook under Jerry D Parker (Eagle Mind). But it's getting less and less. The real me is still there but it is surrounded by a dark ugly shadow.

“If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

About two weeks ago I went to the doctor again, she is exasperated... As I mentioned before she stated I am one of the hardest patient to treat because my condition (symptoms) continue to change, but most of all my mind just does not respond to medication the way it should. One example was a fairly high dose of extended release that was supposed to stay in my system for 8 to 12 hours, would be gone in 3. Sure, she could totally dope me up to rid all the mental pain but I would not be able to function. I would be a zombie -better off in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between being able to be coherent enough to carry on a job to support my family and totally "out of it." My doctor stated after almost 10 years of treatment she could print a list of all the medication I have tried and the rolls of paper would spill out into the street. This does not even account for the combinations taken together and the doses changed. She has consulted with her colleges - something should have worked by now!

It's so hard to explain to you what is going on this very minute. I am so very tired. Mentally tired. I want some relief. I long for a break, even if it is short time. Oh what I would give for a few days of no symptoms whatsoever!

Many have asked me advice on various types of medications, how they have helped and what they should expect. Know you know why I have not even brushed the subject of medication. How can I give advice when nothing I have taken so far has completely helped? Is that because my system does not even acknowledge the medication at all? I could list some strong medicine I took that has the same effect as an aspirin.

I just saw the doctor again. She monitored the results of doubling the dose of the medicine I was on, and adding yet some different kinds at a high dose -one last effort. Her next recommendation is to go to a Renowned Psychiatric Ward in a large Hospital in my area for a battery of special tests including an MRI. Unfortunately with all the surgeries and radiation treatments I have went through, I have still have my deductible and out of pocket expense I have to cover, and now today I find out the company I work for just increased my deductible and out of pocket by $9000 more effective immediately. The doctor stated the treatments at the hospital will be very expensive, who can afford this?

I'm tired. I want it to end. I want, no I Pray desperately for relief. For thousands of years ones just like me have fought this illness. Just like me they did not know what path to take.They just did not think they could bear it anymore. However, many wonderful famous people found that little path and destroyed the dreadful, relentless illness the only way they knew how...they killed it.

I have suddenly come to the conclusion and embrace the fact that one way or another it will take more than doctors and their medications to help me get out of this hole. I long for the day when the Majestic Eagle sweeps down and lifts me up to a plane of peace and relief not known to man. I am clinging to this.

Bipolar--Genes - Plus Much More

I just touched briefly - very briefly - the important role of the genes of our family tree has regarding passing on Bipolar to the next generation. The reason I said briefly, is because I have seen 35 page explanations with diagrams; DNA broke down; genes tracing and scientific names, facts and theories and words I will never remember if I saw them again, just to say what I said--by first hand experience--in one page.

What I failed to mention is that although we, the inheritors of these genes by our beloved relatives have an 80% greater chance of getting bipolar, there are MANY who have bipolar and it was never diagnosed in their family at all. So I guess about now if you passed the first test - bipolar genes not in you- you might be sweating again. Sorry.

Now, as you will read the last post, this one, and the ones which I hope with all my heart to be able to follow these up with, you might see a change in the "tone" of my voice I mentioned that comes from time to time. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I still feel the unstable moods that come and go during the day. Hopefully, my mind is letting me say some things I have been wanting to say, and have tried, for some time now.

What I am doing now is actually playing the game of chess. I love that game! I used to be real good at it until my memory and concentration started go fade. To be a master of chess, you have think (actually picture in your mind) several moves ahead of time. Between now and "checkmate" I am looking forward to providing you with information that I hope will help you and give you "food-for-thought" on other ideas. "Checkmate" will come when deep within here you will see a side of me that I don't think I could just come out and type it and hit the publish button. "Checkmate" will be the answer to a few questions about me that my doctor has not even asked.

Now, I just did once again what I said over and over again I said I will not do...tell you what was coming next...then my mind will not let me finish it. I feel different about this process though.

If I have had a stumbling block in my mind on writing about certain topics or expressing my feelings it is because I feel so inferior. I did not graduate from college and whether it's because of my illness or lack of education, I have a hard time "spitting" out what I really want to say. There are thousands of writers and can take my subject and polish it up and it better. OK...hang on to you chair....

SO WHAT? Hey, I do not write for Psychology Today or New York Times, I write a blog. It is my blog. I suffer from Bipolar I and the Manic Depression - Mania - (and little drip of Schizophrenia once in a while) in the middle of all that and I really think I doing pretty good...considering...what my thoughts are at the time!

Oh, there may be another little change. If able, I may through in some other subjects such as politics, religion, science, world events and so on. Just because as you read more and more about me and think maybe I should be locked up, does not mean I have my opinion on life on the outside also. Scan the news, read some of the horrible stories out there and tell me who is really insane...them...or me?

Meet you back here soon,

"My Mind"   

Erratic Behavior

Erratic Behavior

I have a lot of catching up to do with my current condition, but I have been putting it off for a couple of reasons. First, I have been on such a roller coaster since I published "You Are A Total Wreck" on July 21st. I was hoping I could at least get on level ground so I could concentrate on writing about it. I was bouncing like a ball from severe mania to severe depression and back again -from the mind traveling a million miles an hour to extremely happy, extremely depressed,  and then explosive rage and irritability  --all changing in not only a matter of days apart, but in some cases just hours. Secondly, I was putting off writing about it because I could not, and still have not got to the point where I am able to write what was going through my mind - my actual thoughts.

Should I? How explicit and honest should I be here? Do you really want to read how this stage of bipolar I took over my mind stronger than it ever has before, even to the point that the doctor was on the verge of putting me into the hospital before the thoughts that continually, over and over, played like a record in my head became a reality? This is why I have been avoiding talking about my situation. I do not know if it is appropriate to write it. Then again, it is one thing to think it to myself but to actually tell someone is almost confessing.

This has been going on for over a month now! I don't know what I will say later. Either way, I may try to see if the current change in treatment will settle me down where I will be able write about these feelings in more clear state of mind.

If you wish to give your opinion, you are welcome to leave a comment.

My Mind   

Suicide and Depression

When we are children there are things that happens that are engraved in our minds forever. When I was about 8 years old there were a a couple were friends with my parents. I think there about in their 30’s. Dad came home and Mom told her that “so-and-so” and died. Her husband found her in the bathroom. Later, I overheard them talking and they said that she went into the bathroom and put a gun to her forehead and shot herself. Her husband rushed in and found her lying there. Thankfully the children were not in the house. They were Christians and he was so ashamed that they almost had to force him to go to the funeral. I will never forget that moment that I stood in front of the casket. She had beautiful long brown hair and I overheard them saying they had to fix it so it curved over her forehead to cover the bullet hole. I just stood there staring.

All my life growing up I thought about it. They were such a nice couple. What caused her to suddenly walk in the bathroom and commit suicide? What could be that bad in life that she killed herself with her husband in the next room? Later I heard them talking about how a couple of weeks earlier she became more and more depressed.

Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth-leading cause of death worldwide, and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States. In addition, there are 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide.

“Suicidal behavior is complex. Some risk factors vary with age, gender and ethnic group and may even change over time. The risk factors for suicide frequently occur in combination.

Research has shown that more than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have depression or another diagnosable mental or substance abuse disorder, often in combination with other mental disorders. Also, research indicates that alterations in neurotransmitters such as serotonin are associated with the risk for suicide. Diminished levels of this brain chemical have been found in patients with depression, impulsive disorders, a history of violent suicide attempts, and also in postmortem brains of suicide victims.” {www.medicinenet.com}

It is suggested if you notice a persons behavior change, such as depressed, isolated and so on, you may be able to notice the signs of one contemplating suicide. However, it is my observation that if the person is in a deep depression to start with, how will you notice the change? It is my experience that at this stage, a person is silently, constantly planning their suicide and the method. Their lives, their thinking is so warped and twisted, unless a miracle happens they will carry out their plans.

At this point in my life I did not know what was wrong with me. I did not even know I had Bipolar I. No good or positive thoughts ever entered my mind. I was on a spiral downhill that kept getting faster and faster. My life was a total failure. I almost ruined my marriage at least twice before; about to loose my business any minute; I did not want to be near anyone, I was perfectly contented to be alone. All the failures from since I was a child ran over and over in my mind. That was only what I wanted in my mind. If you have not experienced deep - dark depression you would not understand that your mind is like a sponge at this stage; it ONLY WANTS negative, depressive thoughts! This is why it is so hard to get out of the depression.

 But the main thing that kept coming in my mind, is I just wanted off. I know this is weird but I could actually picture the earth slowly spinning and I just stepped off and let it keep going on by. I did not want to ride anymore. What was the use? Nothing will change. I am a looser and I could not stand staying depressed all the time. My family will be better off because they won’t have me around to make their lives miserable anymore. 

What we all must consider is suicide has a devastating effect on the families and friends who remain. It's ironic isn’t it that often the person who has committed suicide thought that no-one cared about them. Not only do those who remain have to deal with the grief and shock that is natural when someone dies, they have many other feelings and emotions to work through. Feelings of hurt, confusion, guilt, anger and remorse to name a few. 

I will not lie to you, my family did not want me to be this way, but they DID love me, and they WANTED and loved the “good” me with all their hearts. That is so important. Yes, at the stage you are in, it can make lives around you miserable BUT there was something there they saw before that they liked. THAT is the person they want! THAT is the person you must become again. Can I go back and change all the years I made my family miserable? Can I undo all my faults and failures? NO. But I CAN and be the person that is deep inside of me they love. I’ve mentioned before, if I had not sought help, I would not be able to tell my little ‘Princes’ daddy loves her because she was born right before I got better. Think about that! I have been married over 30 years and now I kiss my wife good night and tell her I love her. She patiently puts up with my mood swings and dark manic episodes because she knows I will eventually be myself again. Sometimes we laugh and joke just like we were newlyweds all over again. THAT is what I almost missed!

Rambling Thoughts of a Bipolar Mind

You would think by now I’d learn. Over and over I have made a list in chronological order of what I am going to write next. I have even mentioned to you what the next subject will be. At that time it is hot on my mind, and I sit down…and nothing. I cannot even touch the subject because it seems like some force stronger than me will not allow it. This may seem strange to you but I sit here and write what my mind wants me to write. Does this make any sense to you?

Some who comes to this blog hopes that I will say something that will help them. They want answers. They want remedies. They want cured and I am afraid this blog has let them down. I wish I had all the answers; say something magical and everyone who reads this will feel better. If I could do that, I would also do it for myself. I am not an expert. I don’t have a “magic” cure and you know what? NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER.

The tremendous thing called the internet has hundreds of sites with information about Bipolar. I have searched and searched, but I will Caution You. Check out the source before you draw to any conclusions or try their treatments and recommendations. I have found several that seemed legit only to find out it was another blog from someone who was not a professional, and believe it or not, does not have or never did have Bipolar. See how dangerous that can be? And here’s a shocker for you: many reputable sites even contradict each other. So where do we turn?

I have come to find out that there are several successful blogs written by people with Bipolar who are, in my opinion, actually “padding” reality. They constantly speak of recent attempts of suicide, how the night before they cut themselves up and on and on. One even said as he was writing the article he had a gun to his head. I don’t know…maybe it was true. Page after page…maybe readers want blood. Maybe it excites them.

Listen to me my friends, I will tell you this -- by experience--if I have made it to that point of no return, I would not be writing about it day after day. I believe with all my heart those who talk about it; and yes, will go as far to say those who “blotch” up an attempt of suicide; who always has a safeguard such as knowing someone will walk in any second, IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Trust me. Sure, there could be unexpected circumstances that you had not planned, but when you get to that unspeakable point of no return---nothing can change your mind, you will already have a plan way in advance if you thought about it for some time, it will be successful. BUT… if you feel you are at this point…just wait a couple more days. Think about it some more. Serious thinking. There’s no rush right? Give it a few days or maybe a week. Many…have changed their minds and are here yet today to tell about it. 

I cannot help what I write. This was never intended to be an essay on Bipolar, nor was it designed by someone who thinks he can cure you. It is nothing but the rambling mind of someone who suffers seriously with Bipolar I. Just remember all my poor writing; all my mistakes; every misspelled word; broken up subjects, sentences and paragraphs; every stroke from this keyboard you are reading from someone who is sick. The very words you read are from the mind of Bipolar I (Manic Depression).

I will stop here. My mind has suddenly became very tired. I will not even attempt to say what I will write next. Here's a quote to think about:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
       "But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." ~~ –Elizabeth Wurtzel

"My Mind"

"Someone always has it worse than me"

The last couple of days, I have been hearing about different people that is going through so much turmoil, hardships and serious illnesses. People I have talked to have relatives that has brain tumors; cancer that is spreading through their body; and then I hear from our church of a family in a different country that just had their little boy kidnapped for money. Oh how my heart bled when I heard the kidnappers let them talk to the little boy! What that family must be going through!

The point I'm trying to make is this: Years ago my Dad said "Son, you may have it real bad, and it may even get worse, but remember, someone out there has it harder than you." That is so very true.

I hear of that little boy taken away from his dear family - and I think of my little girl this very minute in her bed asleep-safe.

There of thousands of people, including women and little children without a place to stay, living on the streets - and I look now and see the roof over my head and a soft bed waiting.

There are thousands upon thousands of AMERICANS going hungry and not knowing where their next meal will be coming from - and I think of the dinner I just had!

Somewhere at this very minute there is a child or women being abused..oh God please help me...just thinking about this drive me insane!

I have read what I have written so far in this blog and I feel so bad. Please understand me when I say that I KNOW there are millions of people who's life is much worse than mine! I am not saying 'pity me', but trying to make people aware of what Bipolar is and how it affects a person. This is my life. Bipolar is what is effecting me now, and I realize someday God forbid, something like the above should happen to me. But now, I happen to have a serious illness called Bipolar 1.

Realizing all the above, I will continue to tell my story. Some of the later posts will be much more in detail of years before I finally reached out for help; details (if I can..I don't know) of the last months before I started being treated; I will provide actual cases of how serious Biplar can be including suicide and murder--some people behind bars that you may have heard about; trying to get you to understand Bipolar is not just about being a little depressed. I will try to give information about what has helped me. All the links on this blog will help you tremendiously.

So as I write this blog, it is not meant to imply that I have it worse than the next person, BUT this what controlls my entire life.

Friends, remember as you read this blog that I am a very private person and it's difficult for me to come out of my shell. I am also no doubt the worst writer you will ever read. But if this helps one person who is suffering, or someone who will understand enough to help a friend or loved one seek help, then it will be worth it.

Bipolar1-Symptoms

I just wanted to share with you some of the symptoms that a person with Bipolar 1 experiences as published by Every Day Health @ http://www.everydayhealth.com/

Bipolar systems are broke down into three types: 1-2-3. The most serious is Bipolar 1. The below is a list of some systems of Bipolar 1:
During the manic phase, symptoms can include:

• High level of energy and activity
• Irritable mood
• Decreased need for sleep
• Exaggerated, puffed-up self-esteem ("grandiosity")
• Rapid or "pressured" speech
• Rapid thoughts
• Tendency to be easily distracted
• Increased recklessness
• False beliefs (delusions) or false perceptions (hallucinations)

During elated moods, a person may have delusions of grandeur, while irritable moods are often accompanied by paranoid or suspicious feelings.

During a depressive period, symptoms may include:

•  Distinctly low or irritable mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Eating more or less than normal
• Gaining or losing weight
• Sleeping more or less than normal
• Appearing slowed or agitated
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Poor concentration
• Indecisiveness
• Thoughts of death, suicide attempts or plans

Their are other traits of Bipolar 1 that is not listed here. What I have found is that depending on which website you go to, the symptoms they list differ from site to site. While most I found had the above symptoms listed, they did not include the entire list, just a few. This site was the most accurate. However, in today's world,  psychologist (including mine) has added another symptom that is in my opinion far worse that the above, including suicide: Hurting others or Homicide.


I will discuss later how I came to the point of being diagnosed as having Bipolar 1 (Above) but for now I will tell you that when I was at the bottom of the horrifying black pit; a scary place that I hope and pray I will never again return, and before I started receiving any type of treatment, of the 20 symptoms listed above I was experiencing 18 - and ALL AT THE SAME TIME!. Then, there are still at least 3 more symptoms not listed above that was demons in my life. Even now after years of treatment there are days when many will surface all at once unexpectedly.


As I write this closing page, every day of my life, day after day, there are some that just will not go away. I don't like it, Oh! how I wish I could change it! But I can't...