Bipolar Made Another Appearance:

I am having a lot of trouble, but I am working on it. Told you before about me announcing what was coming next and how that never worked, but I still am going to do it. The question is with my frame of mind how it will turn out. It has been a rough few days for me so that does not help.

This morning, and so far into the early afternoon ranks up there pretty high in the "bad day" category. The >>manic phase << is hitting right now. But on a scale of 1 - 10 with ten being the worse I am only about a 4. So far here are the traits as I type this:

Confusion, irritability, high anger, bad thoughts feeding this anger ---immediately switching to deep depression, worthless, chest feels heavy, wanting to close door and hide---switching again---going around in a circle. My medication has done nothing for me this morning.

As you can see I am not able to write anything else. What brought this on? Is it the subject matter I have been constantly thinking about? I do not know. What I DO know is most of the time, no matter where I am, my mind is on writing, and in doing this, things that did cause severe episodes just thinking about them are floating around and around in my mind. I catch myself and force the direction of my thoughts away because I can feel the heart starting to beat faster; my breaths are shorter....

Even feeling the way I am this very minute, I have to go into the office and I will start a meeting at 3pm, then it's non-stop work until about midnight. I have to try to concentrate. Decisions will have to be made all night. I will probably talk to over 50 or more of our employees either on the phone, or in person. It's going to be a long night. I will say a quiet Prayer for help. I'll try to find a song that makes me feel good and hum it in my mind all night...

I have to close and leave you with this quote:

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

Elizabeth Wurtzel

From Book Prozac Nation

Bipolar1-Symptoms

I just wanted to share with you some of the symptoms that a person with Bipolar 1 experiences as published by Every Day Health @ http://www.everydayhealth.com/

Bipolar systems are broke down into three types: 1-2-3. The most serious is Bipolar 1. The below is a list of some systems of Bipolar 1:
During the manic phase, symptoms can include:

• High level of energy and activity
• Irritable mood
• Decreased need for sleep
• Exaggerated, puffed-up self-esteem ("grandiosity")
• Rapid or "pressured" speech
• Rapid thoughts
• Tendency to be easily distracted
• Increased recklessness
• False beliefs (delusions) or false perceptions (hallucinations)

During elated moods, a person may have delusions of grandeur, while irritable moods are often accompanied by paranoid or suspicious feelings.

During a depressive period, symptoms may include:

•  Distinctly low or irritable mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Eating more or less than normal
• Gaining or losing weight
• Sleeping more or less than normal
• Appearing slowed or agitated
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Poor concentration
• Indecisiveness
• Thoughts of death, suicide attempts or plans

Their are other traits of Bipolar 1 that is not listed here. What I have found is that depending on which website you go to, the symptoms they list differ from site to site. While most I found had the above symptoms listed, they did not include the entire list, just a few. This site was the most accurate. However, in today's world,  psychologist (including mine) has added another symptom that is in my opinion far worse that the above, including suicide: Hurting others or Homicide.


I will discuss later how I came to the point of being diagnosed as having Bipolar 1 (Above) but for now I will tell you that when I was at the bottom of the horrifying black pit; a scary place that I hope and pray I will never again return, and before I started receiving any type of treatment, of the 20 symptoms listed above I was experiencing 18 - and ALL AT THE SAME TIME!. Then, there are still at least 3 more symptoms not listed above that was demons in my life. Even now after years of treatment there are days when many will surface all at once unexpectedly.


As I write this closing page, every day of my life, day after day, there are some that just will not go away. I don't like it, Oh! how I wish I could change it! But I can't...