If I had the power in me I would wrap a special gift and it would be sitting at your doorstep the very first think in the morning. It would be the most precious gift anyone could give you! When you opened it this horrible, incurable illness would be gone from you...forever! Oh, if you truly knew my heart you would know how sincere I am. I wish so much I could give this gift to you. But I cannot, and I'm so sorry.
So the gift I can give you is some advise. We all know we cannot control when the low spirit of depression may come. It usually comes when we least expect it, or want it. You see, many years before I realized I what was wrong with me and finally went to the doctor, I have, I guess I would not say ruined but put a major "damper" on many my little girls Christmas mornings You try to hide it, but the little cute ones can see right through you! So try this and hopefully it will hep you:
Make sure you take your medication! Hopefully your timing is so you can take it in the morning
There had to be your "favorite" Christmas song that makes you feel good and puts you in the spirit. Play it. Play it to death if you have to. Then have it set up so as soon as you get up in the morning, it's the first thing you hear!
Finally, not knowing your faith, and to be honest I really don't care, it would not hurt to say a quiet little prayer when you go to bed. No matter what your faith, if you are sincere, it will help. A quote is on my desk that I read everyday : "And ALL things whatsoever ye ask in Prayer, believing, Ye shall receive." (Mathew 21:22)
Those who do not know me very well know that I do not write very often, But what I do write, I write with everything in my heart! My wish, from the bottom of my heart is that each you of have a good Christmas and you are able to truly, without any forcefulness enjoy it with your family! I will be thinking of you.
Merry Christmas, and God Bless
P.S. This is the song I love to hear Christmas Morning
Foolish heart looks like we're here again Same old game of plastic smile. Don't let anybody in Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break. How much will they take before I'm empty. Do I let it show, does anybody know?But you see the real me. Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty...Cause you see the real me!
I chose this song because there was a time long ago when I could successfully wear the mask and at times only my wife could see through; see the real me and know the hurt I was feeling deep inside. Those times have all disappeared. The plastic smile melts before it is visible and now everyone knows. They do not know to what extent the pain is behind the plastic smile, nor do they know how what is exactly wrong with me, or the serious damage it has caused, and still does cause me and my family. "Something just isn't right." That is...for now all everyone sees. In addition living with daily multiple symptoms of the evil illness, thinking inside I am an open book does not help the situation. I'm sorry but this is a post like no other I have done I am not going to apologize how this will turn out. I believe you will understand when you finish reading it the state of mind I am in is not in any condition to turn out a perfect article…not that I succeeded it that area in the first place. The normal post, according to most, should be short as to keep the reader’s attention and not ramble on. Well, there are some things I am going to say and if it’s a little long…well so be it.
My intentions, among others when I started this blog were:
• Give you as much words of encouragement I could to lift you up and let you know you are not alone.
• Offer some information and plant some seeds that you can think about, take with you, and give you the desire to research more to learn as much as you can about your situation.
• Share some of my experiences with you that hopefully someday will educate, encourage, or at the least let you know you are not alone.
I hope and pray after all months and yes, years I have spent writing this blog I was able to accomplish a few of the above.I have not asked much from you but I am going to now. I so desperately need some words of encouragement—just a kind note will be worth gold to me right now.
Looking in reverse right now I see signs of my illness of over 42 years. Of that time, the last nine - plus years I have been faithfully going to the psychiatrist, taking whatever medications prescribed to me, seeing specialist and the way I am feeling this very moment, please forgive the sarcasm, all the money spent that the insurance did not pay was basically flushed down the toilet.
The last twenty days have been a full scale war with me. Look up the charts of all the symptoms on Bipolar I and every day for at least twenty days I have had anywhere from five to ten hitting me from time to time with no letting up. You name it from mania; rage; irritable; deep dark depression; the urge to fly away - where does not matter as long as this dreadful blackness following me cannot follow; daydreams; nightmares; and on and on. Looking at it from my point of view this very second the way I see it is a poison releasing itself into my system, even though a slow dose, and am all too aware that if continued even at the same level with no letup - it will surely kill you.
I'm sorry, this is not like me. You all that know me I will try to keep fighting and will continue to "hang in there" but does there ever come a time where enough is enough?
You don't really know the REAL ME! Even those who do know me probably have forgotten over the years. Years ago I was a friendly person who never met a stranger. I was passionate; romantic - I loved with all my heart and soul and my heart raced with romantic thoughts; I looked forward to life - dreamed and fantasized what life could be like; I lived for beautiful sunsets, photographs of beautiful scenes, animals and such. Once in a while, I am able to let a glimpse of this slip through on Facebook under Jerry D Parker (Eagle Mind). But it's getting less and less. The real me is still there but it is surrounded by a dark ugly shadow.
“If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
About two weeks ago I went to the doctor again, she is exasperated... As I mentioned before she stated I am one of the hardest patient to treat because my condition (symptoms) continue to change, but most of all my mind just does not respond to medication the way it should. One example was a fairly high dose of extended release that was supposed to stay in my system for 8 to 12 hours, would be gone in 3. Sure, she could totally dope me up to rid all the mental pain but I would not be able to function. I would be a zombie -better off in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between being able to be coherent enough to carry on a job to support my family and totally "out of it." My doctor stated after almost 10 years of treatment she could print a list of all the medication I have tried and the rolls of paper would spill out into the street. This does not even account for the combinations taken together and the doses changed. She has consulted with her colleges - something should have worked by now!
It's so hard to explain to you what is going on this very minute. I am so very tired. Mentally tired. I want some relief. I long for a break, even if it is short time. Oh what I would give for a few days of no symptoms whatsoever!
Many have asked me advice on various types of medications, how they have helped and what they should expect. Know you know why I have not even brushed the subject of medication. How can I give advice when nothing I have taken so far has completely helped? Is that because my system does not even acknowledge the medication at all? I could list some strong medicine I took that has the same effect as an aspirin.
I just saw the doctor again. She monitored the results of doubling the dose of the medicine I was on, and adding yet some different kinds at a high dose -one last effort. Her next recommendation is to go to a Renowned Psychiatric Ward in a large Hospital in my area for a battery of special tests including an MRI. Unfortunately with all the surgeries and radiation treatments I have went through, I have still have my deductible and out of pocket expense I have to cover, and now today I find out the company I work for just increased my deductible and out of pocket by $9000 more effective immediately. The doctor stated the treatments at the hospital will be very expensive, who can afford this?
I'm tired. I want it to end. I want, no I Pray desperately for relief. For thousands of years ones just like me have fought this illness. Just like me they did not know what path to take.They just did not think they could bear it anymore. However, many wonderful famous people found that little path and destroyed the dreadful, relentless illness the only way they knew how...they killed it.
I have suddenly come to the conclusion and embrace the fact that one way or another it will take more than doctors and their medications to help me get out of this hole. I long for the day when the Majestic Eagle sweeps down and lifts me up to a plane of peace and relief not known to man. I am clinging to this.
"Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness, of captivity, would, without this comfort, be insupportable. ~~Samuel Johnson
Somewhere in the hidden corners of my mind I have been longing to write. At times the urge is so strong; it is like a craving that needs to be fed. I often wandered if professional writers feel the same way. However, many obstacles, both mental and especially physical have not allowed me this opportunity. As I mentioned, I have a small window of opportunity, and that little time is consumed with chasing what I have come to think of as a mind that changes its characteristics and color often, which causes us (Me and my Psychiatrist) switching various types and doses of medication to play "catch-up"; while not allowing my physical condition to make this process even harder.
I am longing to get "in that groove" I have always wanted and write more often. I have a long list of topics that are listed in order of priority, but as often in my case, as I open the blog, my mind will usually guide me along a path not on the list. That's alright as long as it is not just interesting, but gives you ideas to explore, information, and most importantly assures you are not on this rollercoaster alone!
I'll be back as soon as I can. Until then - "Hang in there with me!"
"My Mind" is racing, flowing with things of greatness, and things no doubt later will seem silly. This is a day where every draft waiting, and every idea that can race into my head just "has to be written right now!" I sit down, content with one subject but then the next one seems more important so I save that one and move on - completing - nothing. I am sure, or I assume, some of you know what I am talking about. It's exciting, exhilarating, and exhausting all at the same time. Worse yet, deep down, I know what usually follows...the total opposite. So I am sitting here "flying by the seat of my pants."
There is the one thing I do want to start doing that I have been thinking about a long time. There are many times when I am writing and I hit upon a topic, phrase, or subject and I think that I would like to expand or write about it later at another post. It is also at this time that I feel the need, or desire, to let you know that eventually I will be writing about that subject. It could be a word like "medication" or a complete sentence. So this is my idea - when I do hit upon that phrase, word, or subject I will put an " * " at the end of it. Example would be if I say "the medication I am now on" would look like this - the medication I am now on *- does any of this make any sense to you? I hope so, because as we all know when we are in this mania* where we cannot keep up with our own mind, later it will seem like "you have got to be kidding! I said that?" No doubt this will also be that time when I read this in a day or so. At least, some will not relate what I am talking about now and will seem like a mad, rambling mind, but those of you who experience it will understand. I hope.
Today, as so many of you can relate to, depression that has a mind of its own, slowly crept in, even to the point that I feel as though I took no medication at all but knowing full well I did. Why? Where did it come from? Nothing triggered it. Today is a day where I am supposed to be relaxed and in good spirits because I am home not having to work. Football playoffs is on. This is a day of football, pizza and relaxation and yet I pace; I stare at the floor; the bedroom where the shades are drawn and is relatively dark where I can hide under the covers and listen to my sad music beckons me. Depression feeds upon depression*. I cannot get interested in anything. My world is dark grey and no light shines in. Why?
How many times do we - those suffering from manic-depression ask ourselves this question over and over during our lifetime? We are not supposed to feel this way anymore. We are on medication, we go to the doctor faithfully, we are supposed to be better! No, it's not the life and death moods, but at times we wander if what we feel this moment will lead to it again. It has before.
I just wanted to post this to let everyone know that if at times you feel as I do, and are doing everything you know to get better, this can still happen - so you are not alone. Why? I don't know, and I wander if we will ever know. Today, as we improve on research, medication, understanding this illness...it seems as though the strides they are making are too slow. I should not feel this way. So please forgive me if I still ask..."why"?
I am having a lot of trouble, but I am working on it. Told you before about me announcing what was coming next and how that never worked,but I still am going to do it.The question is with my frame of mind how it will turn out. It has been a rough few days for me so that does not help.
This morning, and so far into the early afternoon ranks up there pretty high in the "bad day" category. The>>manic phase<<is hittingright now. But on a scale of 1 - 10 with ten being the worse I am only about a 4. So far here are the traits as I type this:
Confusion, irritability, high anger, bad thoughts feeding this anger ---immediately switching to deep depression, worthless, chest feels heavy, wanting to close door and hide---switching again---going around in a circle. My medication has done nothing for me this morning.
As you can see I am not able to write anything else. What brought this on? Is it the subject matter I have been constantly thinking about? I do not know. What I DO know is most of the time, no matter where I am, my mind is on writing, and in doing this, things that did cause severe episodes just thinking about them are floating around and around in my mind. I catch myself and force the direction of my thoughts away because I can feel the heart starting to beat faster; my breaths are shorter....
Even feeling the way I am this very minute, I have to go into the office and I will start a meeting at , then it's non-stop work until about . I have to try to concentrate. Decisions will have to be made all night. I will probably talk to over 50 or more of our employees either on the phone, or in person. It's going to be a long night. I will say a quiet Prayer for help. I'll try to find a song that makes me feel good and hum it in my mind all night...
I have to close and leave you with this quote:
"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."
From a medical standpoint, there are no explanations as to why after years I suddenly had the extreme, long lasting Manic Attack. Nothing in my regular life happened that could have triggered it. I was on the same medication for a long time and although I was not well by any means, it seemed to work as well as could be expected. Before this my doctor would not have thought about switching anything. But this serious episode changed everything.
I am “slowly” starting to wean myself off one drug, and she replaced it with another. After years of taking the same medication, switching is a nightmare in itself. My mind is confused. Try to imagine the state of mind the last time I wrote, and then at the same time changing the chemicals going to the brain.
This will be a short page. I just wanted to say that at this very moment I am doing much better. The unstoppable, psychosis, severe anxiety to the point of rage has slowly subsided. As I write this, although my mind feels confused and sedated, I am much better.
One thing I do want to add though is what the doctor told me when I informed her I was writing this blog. I said that I do not want to offer advise because everyone is different and I DO NOT want to steer anyone in the wrong way that could hurt them. She agreed, but then she said you don’t have to give advise, but give them the facts. I asked her what she meant and she said: “Don’t hold back anything from them. Tell them exactly how it is. You will hurt them more if you don’t go into detail about your life, when it started, what happened to you, and what you are doing now that helps. Tell them EXACTLY how it is, you can even tell them about your treatment and what medicine works for you, and what did not. They read what you write, so help them by telling them everything, good or bad.”
I think this is good advise. But also very difficult. I have to study this for awhile and decide what direction I want to take, and how to start. It may take me awhile, but I think this blog will change direction soon. I will add some articles that I find interesting in my own weird way just to relieve some of the stress. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "I wondered if I was just the sum of my brain scan, little dots clustered in my frontal lobe. Is that where the poems came from? The desire to destroy myself? This last depression had scared me. It had come on so quickly, not like the gradual woolgathering in my brain I had known before." –Betsy Lerner, Food and Loathing
