Early Morning Thoughts 11/5/11...(Sharing Again--Nothing Has Changed)

It was sometime between two and three this morning, when the world seemed asleep and at peace, I was sitting here trying to get over a major hurdle in the draft of the next post I promised when like the fog that slowly moves in just before daylight, thoughts of despair and helplessness started entering into my mind. Either brought on by what I was trying to write or just because "It" can, the illness inside of me caused my mind to think... 

"My entire neighborhood was quiet. Except for outside driveway light posts and an occasional porch light on, all the houses were dark. I thought of all the people in bed, asleep, "their" minds are wherever they go when peaceful sleep comes. When they awake, their mind will still be at ease. Mine, it seems, will be never know what that feeling is like. Proof of that is while the country is asleep or out doing what they enjoy, I am still up, possessed on writing about an illness that will not leave. 'It' may at times seem like it has left, but it really never does. It likes to tease and it never fails to creep back in and remind me - I am not in control, it is. I have no say when it will appear, how long it will stay, or how bad it will be. I live everyday a slave to it. What would it be like to go just one day without even one symptom to reminding me of it? And now, this main point I am trying to write so they will understand, does not seem it can be translated into words. By me anyway..."

So, as this happened, I was finished for the rest of the night. I was getting tired of trying to force this - "It" - away, and more thoughts kept coming so I took the medicine and went to bed. It was awhile later when I too fell asleep. I remember thinking just before I started drifting off how I so much looked forward to it. At least, I would not be aware of what was going on in this crazy manic-depressive mind, and the words on that draft that is so difficult to write would for awhile anyway, be forgotten.

I will leave you with a quote that seems like this one just fit the mood: 

"I’d been depressed before, of course. But I’m talking about really depressed. Not just feeling a bit down or sad, a depression that has something to do with biorhythms. I’m talking about the kind of depressed that floats in upon you like a fog. You can feel it coming and you can see where it is going to take you but you are powerless, utterly powerless to stop it. I know now"

Alan Cumming, Tommy’s Tale

"My Mind"

A Hello Note

Just wanted to send a little note... to my friends. I am having a difficult time writing - as my mind is fighting with the subject; as it does not want to dwell on it. But I promised I will write, so just please hang in there with me, think of me, and I will be back soon...

"On Earth, you lack the language to communicate with the insane. But eventually you’ll learn it. Like the Australian Aborigines, you’ll enter dreamtime. And then you’ll discover what pain, what dignity, what wisdom, and what sorrow lie within the mentally ill."

–Eugene Stein, Straitjacket and Tie

"My Mind"

OK...It's Time To Get Serious!!!!!!!

Regarding last entry "You Must Read This" was posted because it was a perfect introduction to future posts that you will be reading. I thought the article was extremely interesting, but very, very sad. It was well written and from the heart of someone who lost a sweet and dear friend. It really touched me. I want to quote the first part again for you:


 " Every 16 minutes someone dies from their own hand. Suicide does not discriminate against age, sex, culture, religious beliefs, or economic standing. It is an "equal opportunity destroyer." It is a tragedy that need not happen."


There is no way for me to explain it better. Every 16 minutes? There is a co-worker who not long ago came to me and told me his teenage nephew went into his bedroom, put a gun to his head, "and blew his brains out." while his family was in the other room! He made a comment "what, please tell me what could be so bad in a teenager's life that he would want to die." He does not know my condition and certainly does not know that I am not a stranger to suicide. But do you want to know what really hit my gut and almost made me sick? Not the suicide, but his family in the other room heard the blast and they, no doubt, rushed into the room and saw the horrific site of what was left of their son's head! To me, it is enough to loose a child, but can you imagine how many years that image will stay in their minds, and how long it will hurt and torment them? FOREVER!


The above story came to mind as I read the next quote from the last post of the wife and mother who committed suicide:  "On the night she attempted her family was sitting around watching a movie on TV. She had a son and daughter in early adolescence and her husband. After watching the movie for a few minutes she quietly excused herself to go into the bathroom. She took as big of a handful of pills as she could get into her mouth. She came out and watched the movie for a few more minutes and then told her family what she did."


Oh, my! Her son, daughter and husband sitting there and she sat down and casually told them what she did? I wonder...did she tell them to let them know that life was finally unbearable, OR did she tell them the minute she took the pills with the hope that maybe she still had reservations and they could rush her down and save her?


HERE IS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS PAGE...NEITHER YOU OR I, OR ANYONE IN THIS WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW THE ANSWER BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT DOCTORS SAY (I DON'T CARE IF THEY HAVE ENOUGH DEGREES TO LINE THEIR ENTIRE WALL FROM FLOOR TO CEILING)  NO MATTER WHAT CONCLUSION ANYONE THINKS THEY HAVE......YOU WERE NOT INSIDE HER HEAD AND THEREFORE HAVE --N O --IDEA WHAT HER FINAL THOUGHTS WERE!!!!!!


What you MUST remember is this is NOT a 'cut and dry' illness where doctors have a standard remedy waiting for you in comparison as if you had a physical illness. There are NO two people alike. They will admit (or most will) that no one single thing that they can point a finger at that caused you to have bipolar or any mental illness (except for physical head injuries), and most will also admit that there are STILL theories as to exactly what happens inside the mind that causes one to develop Bipolar. The reason is there is no cure for this illness because the best scientist in the world cannot completely explain or understand the complexity of the mind. All they have is theories. How can someone from the outside, not having this problem make a comment that medicine is bad for anyone and all they need is therapy or someone to talk to? Give me a break! 


Using me as an example, what I know for a fact is of the millions of pages written on this subject, regardless what they might tell you, they cannot, and never will even come close to foretelling me exactly what I can expect at any given moment in my life. They cannot tell me if; when; or how severe the next mood swing or major attack will be. I may be (or appear to be) as normal as the next person one minute, and my life could be over the next. If that were to be the case...so now tell me what happened or what I was thinking. See my point? 


I just had to get this out. I am NOT against doctors, I believe I have the best in the world and has, and is, helping me more than you will ever know! BUT...she will be the first to agree with the above!!!