Part 2 -The "Unspeakable" Word - Introduction

Coming off from writing: Part 1 "Upbringing: "The Innocence of a Child", looking at the date it was published on October 17th, I cannot believe it was that long ago. To me, my mind, it seems like yesterday for my mind still has not settled down. NOT so much because of WHAT I wrote on the page you read, but because of what I had to force my mind to think of, dwell on, all the underlying implications and variables NOT mentioned to get my point across of how critical it is for a child to have the "upbringing" this little innocent one needs and deserves. In other words, if there is "good" there has to be "evil". If there were no such thing in this mad world as "evil" then the word "good" would have no meaning. This is what my mind had to process and dwell upon while writing that. And, WORSE yet is to come.

These series I am trying to write is so important to me. However, even if I had above average writing skills -which I do not- even if without the illness that handicaps me trying to find the right words to get my point across, there is no way I could do this subject justice in just a couple of pages in a blog. I would love to write a book on it, but I do not think there is an editor out there ready to tackle my writing!

I have always had the blessing of being able to look at other peoples trials or illnesses, then comparing them to my own - I am not so bad off. My dad used to have a saying "it can usually get better, but it can Always get worse!" (There's a clue here somewhere on upbringing). If you go back and read the page I published in May entitled: "It Can Always Be Worse" --My Recent Experience, it will give you an example of what I am talking about.

However, as my illness has changed course in the last few years, that blessing I refer to comes with a price, and it is not pleasant. My condition has changed to the point that any diagnosis we (my doctor and I) had established in the beginning is in the trash can. If my mind dwells on the horribleness of this cruel world when it applies to this subject for any length of time, unconsciously I always gradually change from whatever mood or phase I may be in, and feel the pressure inside me build up, slowly climbing, until I am in such a condition I honestly believe if I do not change my direction of thought I will loose it! Now, "loose it" has many implications. Mentally and I believe physically, this body or mind could not stand it. I feel rage; uncontrollable rage and hatred; horrific pity; pain; hurt...and on and on. Just as it is now, I feel my heart beating harder in my chest, I am getting short of breath, my chest feels like 30 pounds is sitting on top of it, the skin on my entire body is tingling...maybe all these symptoms are not real, just my imagination. Some may say "they're just in your mind"...don't forget what the title of this blog is! Ok?

No, I have not been diagnosed as being Schizophrenia, but this is exactly what I am describing. The above is me in these certain conditions. I have to stop now.

 Here is what is next: Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Word: ABUSE

I Can Feel it Coming...

Sometimes it comes fast and unexpectedly. Other times I can recognize it, and even though I know it's there and what is coming, I have not found a way yet to stop it. Depression is creeping inside me. Each hour, it is worse than the one before. How severe it will be is always unknown.

With that comes the fear of what might follow. Consulting with my doctor, we have some "thoughts" of the reasons why after all these years the manic-depression has changed, but basically she is as baffled as I am. The mania cycles that come with manic-depression are more severe than ever before and it is scares me. Like I mentioned in the last post, it could be that my mind is thinking of different things that it really had rather leave alone. I don't know. My hope for today is it will be a medium depression followed by a nothing else.

"Others imply they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But theses experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: your irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."

K Jamison

Be back as soon as I can...

"My Mind"