Not Writing... But You Are In My Thoughts (Re-Post)

Many things beyond my control have prevented me from writing. The commitment I made to myself months ago to write two or three times a week has just not been possible, and putting aside all the other challenges I am under, this failure of not reaching my goal is in itself - depressing.

I will leave you with a short quote I found that touched my heart. It may appeal to some, and not to others. Before I do, I want all of you who suffer from any degree of this dreadful illness to know that just because I may not know you personally, my thoughts and Prayers are with you. I have never doubted that no matter how serious my condition may be there are some of you who suffer more than anyone could ever imagine. Always remember, the man who tries to write this simple little blog constantly hopes you will get better soon and will NEVER give up! I always wish I could say something here that would help you; lift you up; give you the strength and courage to keep fighting the battle and always...hang in there!

Extracted from the book Touched with Fire, Poet Samuel Johnson had his first major breakdown at age twenty which lasted for two years. To emphasize once again this illness did not just develop during our generation, Johnson wrote this in 1761:

    "My terrours and perplexities have so much increased, that I am under great depression. . . . Almighty and merciful Father look down upon my misery with pity"

"My Mind"

Bipolar I: Symptoms: What They Mean and How They Feel --To Come

     I was working on the above title (it may change) when I realized why I was having so much trouble. You see, many of the very things I was writing about, I am going through this very moment. It makes it almost impossible to focus. Here's and example...still taking meds and being treated...of what I am feeling now. I intend to go further in depth with the next post (The above Title) Here are a couple the great attributes of this wonderful illness that is flowing through me: {Notice the mixed states}

Irritable Mood: It would not take much or anyone to set me off.

Tendency to be Easily Distracted: I cannot keep my thought on one thing long enough to finish.

Increased Recklessness: -I leave that one alone for later.

Depression: Where it came from I don't know. Curling up and hiding sounds attractive to me right now.

Guilt: How acted, what I said or did (or may not have said or did) the last couple of days to my family makes the above depression increase dramatically. Friends, as I will bring out later, if possible, people do not realize this can be, and has been for centuries if grouped with just some of the other side-effects, more dangerous and destructive than most combined. I hope you understand this.

I soon will be going to work on a 9 -12 hour stressful job. How can I? But I do. Some may not believe like me, but I say a little Prayer on the way every day. Speaking of the above "Guilt", here's a suicide note written moments before Virginia Woolf killed herself:

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V."

"My Mind"

They do not Understand us...Excerpt from "Night Falls Fast"

I have said it over and over again: No one, even your closest friend; spouse; or parent does not understand what is going through our mind. They may be sympathetic and try to be supportive, but even with love at times they give up and leave us alone to our torment.

This is an excerpt from the book Night falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison:

 "The horror of profound depression, and the hopelessness that usually accompanies it, are hard to imagine for those who have not experienced them. Because their despair is private, it is resistant to clear and compelling description. Novelist Will Stryron, however, in recounting his struggle with suicidal depression, captures vividly the heavy, inescapable pain that can lead to suicide:

"What I begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this caldron, because there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion."

"My Mind"

Early Morning Thoughts 11/5/11...(Sharing Again--Nothing Has Changed)

It was sometime between two and three this morning, when the world seemed asleep and at peace, I was sitting here trying to get over a major hurdle in the draft of the next post I promised when like the fog that slowly moves in just before daylight, thoughts of despair and helplessness started entering into my mind. Either brought on by what I was trying to write or just because "It" can, the illness inside of me caused my mind to think... 

"My entire neighborhood was quiet. Except for outside driveway light posts and an occasional porch light on, all the houses were dark. I thought of all the people in bed, asleep, "their" minds are wherever they go when peaceful sleep comes. When they awake, their mind will still be at ease. Mine, it seems, will be never know what that feeling is like. Proof of that is while the country is asleep or out doing what they enjoy, I am still up, possessed on writing about an illness that will not leave. 'It' may at times seem like it has left, but it really never does. It likes to tease and it never fails to creep back in and remind me - I am not in control, it is. I have no say when it will appear, how long it will stay, or how bad it will be. I live everyday a slave to it. What would it be like to go just one day without even one symptom to reminding me of it? And now, this main point I am trying to write so they will understand, does not seem it can be translated into words. By me anyway..."

So, as this happened, I was finished for the rest of the night. I was getting tired of trying to force this - "It" - away, and more thoughts kept coming so I took the medicine and went to bed. It was awhile later when I too fell asleep. I remember thinking just before I started drifting off how I so much looked forward to it. At least, I would not be aware of what was going on in this crazy manic-depressive mind, and the words on that draft that is so difficult to write would for awhile anyway, be forgotten.

I will leave you with a quote that seems like this one just fit the mood: 

"I’d been depressed before, of course. But I’m talking about really depressed. Not just feeling a bit down or sad, a depression that has something to do with biorhythms. I’m talking about the kind of depressed that floats in upon you like a fog. You can feel it coming and you can see where it is going to take you but you are powerless, utterly powerless to stop it. I know now"

Alan Cumming, Tommy’s Tale

"My Mind"

Lack of Writing - An Update:

When I logged into this blog I had no idea what I was going to write, and as I type this I still do not have a clear-cut outline or idea where this will go. At this time, I have no title for this, so I will try to name it after I am finished.

I entered the New Year optimistic that 2012 would be MY year. I do not believe in the typical "New Year resolutions", but I did had personal goals, dreams and plans of what this year would bring, and where I would hope to be when I reach the end of December. However, January was still young when personal problems came pouring in.

My mom, whom you read about, became and still is very ill. She has been in the hospital, rehab, and back in the hospital several times. In addition to the mental illness she faces, her health has changed overnight. The very strong 74 year old mother who up until a year or so ago would briskly walk an easy 5 miles a day, has developed heart problems; trouble with her knee; extremely and dangerously high blood pressure that no doctor or medication has yet been able to control; and now with only the one kidney she has, they suspect it is going south also.

Then, in the middle of this, I have been to medical specialists also. It looks like I am paying the price of the wonderful years of living under the beautiful, hot, southwest sun and skin cancer, once again has developed and I will have to undergo surgery.*

All the above, as you can imagine, has been a challenge to keep my unpredictable manic-depressive - moody, extremely depressed, mania, irritable, angry, dangerous mind… under control. Not writing for a while did not help either. It was just too difficult for me and… this obviously adds to the depression. I have come to realize that dealing with this “mental” illness; worried and trying to help mom; and scheduling and worrying about the upcoming surgery, there is no doubt why I feel as though I am in the center of a ferocious circle of problems - each one magnifying the other until I feel, mentally, it is impossible to handle them all.

There have been so many things I have wanted to write about and I will...as soon as I can. At least I hope you understand, and will "hang in there with me" until I am able to write more.

"Manic-depressive illness is an inherited vulnerability to a disease that can manifest itself in a wide range of fluctuating emotional states, behaviors, thinking patterns and styles, and energy levels. Heightened passions and partial derangement of the senses tend to come and go."

Kay Redfield Jamison

"Touched With Fire"

Bless you all,

"My Mind"

A Cry For Help By--Edgar Allen Poe - Introduced By Kay Jamison

In the book by Kay Redfield Jamison " Touched With Fire" I found a paragraph which she describes "the more serious depressive states" so elegantly that few people can match. For me, she can describe the very heart of what we ourselves, or at least me, are feeling but having trouble putting into words. This paragraph leads to the quote by Poe I want to share with you. Poe, no doubt like many, yours truly also, in his condition was crying out for help. Kay Jamison wrote:

"Mood, in the more serious depressive states, is usually bleak, pessimistic, and despairing. A deep sense of futility is frequently accompanied, if not preceded, by the belief that the ability to experience pleasure is permanently gone. The physical and psychological worlds are experienced as shades of grays and blacks, as having lost their color and vibrancy. Irritability, quick anger, suspiciousness, and emotional turbulence are frequent correlates of depressed mood; morbid and suicidal thinking are common. The mood of misery and suffering that usually accompanies depression was experienced by Edgar Allan Poe in a letter written when he was in his mid - twenties:"

"My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed. I am suffering under a depression of spirits such as I have never felt before. I have struggled in vain against the influence of melancholy - You will believe me when I say that I am miserable in pain in spite of the great improvement in my circumstances. I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that man who is writing for effect does not write thus. My heart is open before you - if it be worth reading, read it. I am wretched, and know not why. Console me - for you can. But let it be quickly - or it will be too late. Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one's while - that it is all necessary to live, and you will prove yourself indeed my friend. Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this - I do not mean that you should consider what I now write you a jest - oh pity me! for I feel that my words are incoherent - but I will recover myself. You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will {not fail to} ruin me should it be too long continued."

Edgar Allen Poe

"My Mind"

At Times I Still Ask...Why?

Today, as so many of you can relate to, depression that has a mind of its own, slowly crept in, even to the point that I feel as though I took no medication at all but knowing full well I did. Why? Where did it come from? Nothing triggered it. Today is a day where I am supposed to be relaxed and in good spirits because I am home not having to work. Football playoffs is on. This is a day of football, pizza and relaxation and yet I pace; I stare at the floor; the bedroom where the shades are drawn and is relatively dark where I can hide under the covers and listen to my sad music beckons me. Depression feeds upon depression*. I cannot get interested in anything. My world is dark grey and no light shines in. Why?

How many times do we - those suffering from manic-depression ask ourselves this question over and over during our lifetime? We are not supposed to feel this way anymore. We are on medication, we go to the doctor faithfully, we are supposed to be better! No, it's not the life and death moods, but at times we wander if what we feel this moment will lead to it again. It has before.

I just wanted to post this to let everyone know that if at times you feel as I do, and are doing everything you know to get better, this can still happen - so you are not alone. Why? I don't know, and I wander if we will ever know. Today, as we improve on research, medication, understanding this illness...it seems as though the strides they are making are too slow. I should not feel this way. So please forgive me if I still ask..."why"?

It is a lonely road

Filled with agony and despair;

That only those who travel it

Can share.

"My Mind"

01/15/2012

“We’ll Hang in There Together…OK?”

Some of you may have read the story I wrote about my Mom and her condition before the three of us boys made the extremely hard decision to have her forcefully taken to the mental hospital. It was just about the hardest period in my life.

Having just come from Arizona, she was living with me a few weeks before and I saw firsthand how bad she really was. Myself, and my family witnessed manic – depression, the extreme highs and the horrible lows, along with schizophrenia that to this day most people have only read about. My poor wife being there alone with her during the day had just about lost her own mind in the process. As we know it is hereditary, and it does not necessarily mean it is evenly spread out among the children... guess which of the three boys got the major portion of it? Yep, it’s me…big time.

Now, years later after court order my oldest brother having guardianship and literally picking her up each month and driving her to the clinic for treatment, I am more than proud to state mom is living by herself, and doing reasonably well. She “has her days” like all of us, but to be honest is even doing much better than me!

I gradually brought the subject of my problem to her attention and over the last several years I have found we have “bonded” more than I thought was possible.* I’ll mention my bad days, and she seems to understand if I don’t call or stop by during those mood swing periods. She always wants me to call and update her as to how my doctor visits turn out, and will always ask me “are you hanging in there?” Now we have made a pact together: I promised I would hang in there as long as she did. Unfortunately for my part, I did not think she would be better off than me! So, on my bad days, she asks “are you still hanging in there?” and I reply “I’m hanging by my toe nails” and we laugh together.

Some of you have noticed during my reply to your comments, or messages you send “we’ll meet back here another time, and we’ll hang in there together.” Now you realize that phrase had more meaning than you thought. Just as serious as I am with mom, I am with you also - but you have to do your part for this to work – YOU have to “Hang in there with me, OK?”

“In solitude, where we are least alone.”

― Lord Byron

Part Time Blog - Full Time "Manic - Depressive"

Part time blogging is good. It is exhilarating when you are finally able to sit down and write what has been on your heart and hit publish! Many of the blogs I read are from people like myself who write part time. Depending on their lifestyle, some are able to post everyday, or at the very least a couple times each week. Others do the best they can.

I am reminded of an email, followed by a message on my blog when I first started out that if I wanted to be successful, I had to write every day -without fail. This message came from a very successful professional - full time expert - who writes three blogs of his own, and is contracted out by numerous other blogs. I guess he makes a great deal of money from his writing. For someone who had never set up a blog in his life; was going through a difficult time personally; and was writing about a very sensitive subject, this was extremely discouraging. For sometime this bothered me. Then I realized this expert blogger did not bother to read the title of my blog; did not read the purpose this blog was set up; and most certainly did not read what condition I was going through at that time.

Each of us who write "part time"  have different lifestyles and schedules. For me, I hold down a job that takes up to 9 -12 hours a day. Take all the other things going on in my life (sleep must come in there somewhere) and there is a very small window of opportunity left. But aside from all of the above, I believe we are missing the point. "Part Time" blogging and "manic-depressive disorder" does not necessarily mix well together.

I had been mentioning how my state of mind has been changing. I took the "Manic - Depressive" test again the other day-as I call it - and I still score 8 out of 9 symptoms - some always constant. Then, if not bad enough, in the middle of the major swings, I experience a "mixed state" where the moods change in and out, one from the other, many times both simultaneously, quickly and without any warning.

 Now here is the main point I want to make. When I swing into the "high" phase, it is rarely when I'm sitting here at this desk. So, what I do (yes...sometimes going down the road) I keep a large notebook with me and I am scribbling in large words all over the place, taking notes ninety miles an hour! They are good ideas, dreams of what I want to write that I cannot sit still in the car. Sometimes, it comes upon me when I am at work. When I am trying to sleep. Anywhere, anytime. I am so excited, I cannot wait to sit here and type it all out for you. Then when I sit here, I read the notes, and they do not make sense to me. I am depressed. How can someone admire the fiery colors of a rainbow, or the beauty of the rose garden when they are depressed. The colors are dark. Grey is around me. I do try to write using my notes...I try so hard, but my feelings are not in it and to be honest, the notes I took does not make sense to me.

It is even so hard for me to explain this because I am not in the best of conditions tonight either. As I was fighting this on going battle for sometime now, I just stumbled upon a quote from Kay Jamison that may help explain it a little better:

"In addition to the changes in mood and thought that are brought about by mania and depression (and the experiences - both good and bad - gleaned from the pain intrinsic to melancholia), the less dramatic, day-to-day aspects of the manic-depressive temperament can provide artistic advantage as well. For individuals who live with moods that change often and intensely, life is a tempestuous experience. The manic-depressive, or cyclothymic, temperament, carries with the the capacity to react strongly and quickly; it is, in a biological sense, an alert and excitable system. It responds to the world with a wide range of emotional, perceptual, intellectual, behavioral and energy changes, and it creates around itself both the possibilities and chaos afforded by altered experiences and fluctuating tempos. In a sense of depression is a view of the world through a glass darkly, and mania is a shattered pattern of views seen through a prism or kaleidoscope: often brilliant but generally fractured. Where depression questions, ruminates, and is tentative, mania answers with vigor and certainty. The constant transitions in and out of these constricted and then expansive thoughts, subdued and then violent responses, grim and then ebullient moods, withdrawn from and then involving relationships, cold and then fiery states - and the rapidity and fluidity of moves across and into such contrasting experiences - can be painful and confusing."

I wish so much I could "call upon those mania" thoughts at will while I am sitting here. If it was not for the above, I would write more often. It is so difficult to write when the words come one at a time, and all the notes you took even hours before does not make sense to you, or at best, because you have come down to a very low state, you have no idea what they mean. If I did succeed, it would not be real, therefore not true to my myself, or you!

I'll be back...as soon as I can.

"My (confused) Mind" 

I am Surviving...

It's after three in the morning, and I needed to write again - or I should say "publish" - because it has been awhile and I just needed to know that later a friend who can relate will read this.

I am still slowly making some progress on the "Child Abuse" page I mentioned would come. Most of it is outlined and typed, but unfortunately I cannot read, type, or edit the page except bits and pieces at a time, then I need a break. I have to get my mind off it awhile. I never thought it would affect me so bad, but now that it's in the final stages, it is something I just have to finish. There are times when I am sitting here typing and I know - for the most part - what is coming next, and it hits me. I have to stop or I feel I will go completely insane - if I am not there yet!

As I mentioned the last time I wrote to you, I had a doctors appointment. Well, let's just say that did not go very well. She is at a loss as to why I am, after all these years in the condition I am in, and I am aggravated because she does not have an answer. I see her again next Monday 5th.

I will leave you with a quote:

“In its severe forms, depression paralyzes all of the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, desperate, and deadened state. . .Life is bloodless, pulseless, and yet present enough to allow a suffocating horror and pain. All bearings are lost; all things are dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is as pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid, confused, and stuporous. It is also vacillating, ruminative, indecisive, and self-castigating. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing is that is not an effort, and nothing at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable, gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison



My Thanksgiving Wish To You

It is in the very early morning hours of Thanksgiving, I just returned home from a stressful eleven hours of work, on a day where I wished I could very much stay home in my "comfort zone", but I felt compelled to write this to you.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite Holidays. Where I live, most of the leaves have already fallen off the trees leaving the ground a beautiful mixture of brown, yellow, orange and red. The mornings are real cool, but so far the sun brings a nice change in the middle of the day. We are all reminded that winter is "just around the corner" so each day the when the sun shines bright and we feel the least bit of warmth, we appreciate it that much more.

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving seems to be more and more rushed - almost slipping by as Halloween is immediately turned into the Christmas spirit. Before the Halloween decorations are down, Christmas music is playing in all the stores; sales are advertised; gift wrapping supplies and cards are already on the shelves; and Thanksgiving is rushed by...almost like "lets get it over with so we can start selling gifts". Christmas is so "commercialized" now. Thanksgiving does not generate any revenue for businesses, so they advertise special sales even on Thanksgiving day. 

If you are reading this, it is no doubt you have some form of connection with Bipolar - either for yourself or a loved one. Maybe, at this minute, you are in a deep depression that you are trying so hard to come out of. I just want you to know that even as I type this, I too am in that state-of-mind right now. I can feel the heavy -grey fog laying over me as it often does. But I so much want you to realize that on this Thanksgiving day I am listing ALL the things I have to be thankful for. And do you know what? The list is longer than I realized. Here is just a few things:

• I am First thankful to God that I am here, alive, able to write to you - trying my very best and Praying that I succeed in saying something that will give you a little word of encouragement.

• If you can only realize how thankful I am that I have a wife who has been by my side all these years, supporting me, and not once has she complained. Even as my condition gets worse, she continues on, somehow, putting up with whatever mood or cycle I am in. She, like me, never knows what state-of-mind I will be in from one day to the next, but she somehow hangs in there. I don't know how. It has to be true love - stronger than any love known. Just to think of that makes me love her even more, and try to be better; for her. I at least owe her that much! 

• I think of all the people, my Mom included, who are spending this Thanksgiving in the hospital. Some are in serious condition and may not make it another day.

• For the hundreds of thousands that are homeless, I am thankful I am able write this with a roof over my head.

• And, for all the sick, homeless, or abused sweet innocent children out there, I am thankful that my little girl is safely snuggled in her warm bed without any fear of what tomorrow may bring.

This is just a few things I am Thankful for. I hope and Pray you will stop for a little while and make your list of what you have to be thankful for. Sure, maybe it will not be long, but start with the fact that you are still here, able to read this. Remember, I promise you, somewhere there is someone who has it worse off than you do.

I hope you do this. Even if you have one item written down, I want you to add this down at the bottom of the paper: I will be thinking of you, and trusting you will be ok. We will not give up. It may be a rough road ahead for both of us, but I will meet you here another day...until then I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving from the bottom of my heart!

"My Mind"

Fighting a Loosing Battle Here...

I just have a couple of minutes but wanted to say a couple of things.

Ok, I'm loosing it! For years I have been settled in and comfortable in a "routine" daily schedule. That is now history. The manic-depression in me that I could understand and almost live with is a thing of the past. The cycles that came and went are now constant with NO chance of a break. Without warning I switch back and forth: in the middle, instant irritability, rage, out of control; then deep depression. The problem we (my doctor and myself) are facing is at times I have all of these at once - going back and forth.

As you can tell, one of the many, many symptoms that comes with this "wonderful" illness is obsessive behavior. Instead of what some do, I feel I have to change the appearance of this blog, over and over. I believe I had it looking half way decient, then I changed it and now I am not so sure.

Then, comes my time. I am second shift Supervisor where I work. I have to leave the house at 2:30 pm for a meeting by 3:00pm. I usually get home about 1:00 am. In the middle of this, I am on here changing things, reading 4 books, reading a dozen or so emails from various newsletters I get on bipolar, reading and answering emails from readers, interacting on many bipolar groups on FB under Eagle Mind, and then, with no time left...home life. That makes me feel guilty...in turn...makes me depressed.

Writing the next main subject comes into play here also. It is hard. Here is a photo that has arrows showing the gauge from severe mania - severe depression. When I am attempting to write about the next main subject, the meter goes near the top...in the red...then to the bottom... while I am typing. Why write it then? I can only answer by saying...I have to.

I will try to write a note sometime in the morning hours. Sorry but I have to cut this short.

"My Mind"

Bipolar Made Another Appearance:

I am having a lot of trouble, but I am working on it. Told you before about me announcing what was coming next and how that never worked, but I still am going to do it. The question is with my frame of mind how it will turn out. It has been a rough few days for me so that does not help.

This morning, and so far into the early afternoon ranks up there pretty high in the "bad day" category. The >>manic phase << is hitting right now. But on a scale of 1 - 10 with ten being the worse I am only about a 4. So far here are the traits as I type this:

Confusion, irritability, high anger, bad thoughts feeding this anger ---immediately switching to deep depression, worthless, chest feels heavy, wanting to close door and hide---switching again---going around in a circle. My medication has done nothing for me this morning.

As you can see I am not able to write anything else. What brought this on? Is it the subject matter I have been constantly thinking about? I do not know. What I DO know is most of the time, no matter where I am, my mind is on writing, and in doing this, things that did cause severe episodes just thinking about them are floating around and around in my mind. I catch myself and force the direction of my thoughts away because I can feel the heart starting to beat faster; my breaths are shorter....

Even feeling the way I am this very minute, I have to go into the office and I will start a meeting at 3pm, then it's non-stop work until about midnight. I have to try to concentrate. Decisions will have to be made all night. I will probably talk to over 50 or more of our employees either on the phone, or in person. It's going to be a long night. I will say a quiet Prayer for help. I'll try to find a song that makes me feel good and hum it in my mind all night...

I have to close and leave you with this quote:

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

Elizabeth Wurtzel

From Book Prozac Nation

Quote: "Depression Never Closes Shop"

What an explanation of "Depression"! Anyone without any knowledge of bipolar reads this would come away with at least a basic understanding of the nature of depression. I read this over and over, and each time I am amazed how much information was condensed in one paragraph.


"One of the many things I hate about the word “depression” is the assumption of blankness attached to it, as if the experience of depression is as absent on the inside as it looks to be from the outside. That is wrong. Depression is a place that teems with nightmarish activity. It’s a one-industry town, a psychic megalopolis devoted to a single twenty-four-hour-we-never-close product. You work misery as a teeth-grinding muscle-straining job (is that why it’s so physically exhausting?), proving your shameful failures to yourself over and over again. Depression says you can get blood from a stone, and so that’s what you do. Competing voices are an irritating distraction from the work. No wonder depression doesn’t get invited out much. Not because it’s not the life of the party, it knows it’s not that, but because self-absorption as a work ethic is so prickly and one-eyed. That’s okay with depression—it figures, who’d want to be friends with it, anyway?"


–Lesley Dormen, “Planet No”

Suicide and Depression

When we are children there are things that happens that are engraved in our minds forever. When I was about 8 years old there were a a couple were friends with my parents. I think there about in their 30’s. Dad came home and Mom told her that “so-and-so” and died. Her husband found her in the bathroom. Later, I overheard them talking and they said that she went into the bathroom and put a gun to her forehead and shot herself. Her husband rushed in and found her lying there. Thankfully the children were not in the house. They were Christians and he was so ashamed that they almost had to force him to go to the funeral. I will never forget that moment that I stood in front of the casket. She had beautiful long brown hair and I overheard them saying they had to fix it so it curved over her forehead to cover the bullet hole. I just stood there staring.

All my life growing up I thought about it. They were such a nice couple. What caused her to suddenly walk in the bathroom and commit suicide? What could be that bad in life that she killed herself with her husband in the next room? Later I heard them talking about how a couple of weeks earlier she became more and more depressed.

Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth-leading cause of death worldwide, and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States. In addition, there are 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide.

“Suicidal behavior is complex. Some risk factors vary with age, gender and ethnic group and may even change over time. The risk factors for suicide frequently occur in combination.

Research has shown that more than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have depression or another diagnosable mental or substance abuse disorder, often in combination with other mental disorders. Also, research indicates that alterations in neurotransmitters such as serotonin are associated with the risk for suicide. Diminished levels of this brain chemical have been found in patients with depression, impulsive disorders, a history of violent suicide attempts, and also in postmortem brains of suicide victims.” {www.medicinenet.com}

It is suggested if you notice a persons behavior change, such as depressed, isolated and so on, you may be able to notice the signs of one contemplating suicide. However, it is my observation that if the person is in a deep depression to start with, how will you notice the change? It is my experience that at this stage, a person is silently, constantly planning their suicide and the method. Their lives, their thinking is so warped and twisted, unless a miracle happens they will carry out their plans.

At this point in my life I did not know what was wrong with me. I did not even know I had Bipolar I. No good or positive thoughts ever entered my mind. I was on a spiral downhill that kept getting faster and faster. My life was a total failure. I almost ruined my marriage at least twice before; about to loose my business any minute; I did not want to be near anyone, I was perfectly contented to be alone. All the failures from since I was a child ran over and over in my mind. That was only what I wanted in my mind. If you have not experienced deep - dark depression you would not understand that your mind is like a sponge at this stage; it ONLY WANTS negative, depressive thoughts! This is why it is so hard to get out of the depression.

 But the main thing that kept coming in my mind, is I just wanted off. I know this is weird but I could actually picture the earth slowly spinning and I just stepped off and let it keep going on by. I did not want to ride anymore. What was the use? Nothing will change. I am a looser and I could not stand staying depressed all the time. My family will be better off because they won’t have me around to make their lives miserable anymore. 

What we all must consider is suicide has a devastating effect on the families and friends who remain. It's ironic isn’t it that often the person who has committed suicide thought that no-one cared about them. Not only do those who remain have to deal with the grief and shock that is natural when someone dies, they have many other feelings and emotions to work through. Feelings of hurt, confusion, guilt, anger and remorse to name a few. 

I will not lie to you, my family did not want me to be this way, but they DID love me, and they WANTED and loved the “good” me with all their hearts. That is so important. Yes, at the stage you are in, it can make lives around you miserable BUT there was something there they saw before that they liked. THAT is the person they want! THAT is the person you must become again. Can I go back and change all the years I made my family miserable? Can I undo all my faults and failures? NO. But I CAN and be the person that is deep inside of me they love. I’ve mentioned before, if I had not sought help, I would not be able to tell my little ‘Princes’ daddy loves her because she was born right before I got better. Think about that! I have been married over 30 years and now I kiss my wife good night and tell her I love her. She patiently puts up with my mood swings and dark manic episodes because she knows I will eventually be myself again. Sometimes we laugh and joke just like we were newlyweds all over again. THAT is what I almost missed!

Rambling Thoughts of a Bipolar Mind

You would think by now I’d learn. Over and over I have made a list in chronological order of what I am going to write next. I have even mentioned to you what the next subject will be. At that time it is hot on my mind, and I sit down…and nothing. I cannot even touch the subject because it seems like some force stronger than me will not allow it. This may seem strange to you but I sit here and write what my mind wants me to write. Does this make any sense to you?

Some who comes to this blog hopes that I will say something that will help them. They want answers. They want remedies. They want cured and I am afraid this blog has let them down. I wish I had all the answers; say something magical and everyone who reads this will feel better. If I could do that, I would also do it for myself. I am not an expert. I don’t have a “magic” cure and you know what? NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER.

The tremendous thing called the internet has hundreds of sites with information about Bipolar. I have searched and searched, but I will Caution You. Check out the source before you draw to any conclusions or try their treatments and recommendations. I have found several that seemed legit only to find out it was another blog from someone who was not a professional, and believe it or not, does not have or never did have Bipolar. See how dangerous that can be? And here’s a shocker for you: many reputable sites even contradict each other. So where do we turn?

I have come to find out that there are several successful blogs written by people with Bipolar who are, in my opinion, actually “padding” reality. They constantly speak of recent attempts of suicide, how the night before they cut themselves up and on and on. One even said as he was writing the article he had a gun to his head. I don’t know…maybe it was true. Page after page…maybe readers want blood. Maybe it excites them.

Listen to me my friends, I will tell you this -- by experience--if I have made it to that point of no return, I would not be writing about it day after day. I believe with all my heart those who talk about it; and yes, will go as far to say those who “blotch” up an attempt of suicide; who always has a safeguard such as knowing someone will walk in any second, IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Trust me. Sure, there could be unexpected circumstances that you had not planned, but when you get to that unspeakable point of no return---nothing can change your mind, you will already have a plan way in advance if you thought about it for some time, it will be successful. BUT… if you feel you are at this point…just wait a couple more days. Think about it some more. Serious thinking. There’s no rush right? Give it a few days or maybe a week. Many…have changed their minds and are here yet today to tell about it. 

I cannot help what I write. This was never intended to be an essay on Bipolar, nor was it designed by someone who thinks he can cure you. It is nothing but the rambling mind of someone who suffers seriously with Bipolar I. Just remember all my poor writing; all my mistakes; every misspelled word; broken up subjects, sentences and paragraphs; every stroke from this keyboard you are reading from someone who is sick. The very words you read are from the mind of Bipolar I (Manic Depression).

I will stop here. My mind has suddenly became very tired. I will not even attempt to say what I will write next. Here's a quote to think about:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
       "But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." ~~ –Elizabeth Wurtzel

"My Mind"

"You Are A Total Wreck!"

It has been tough. There was no way I could write before now. I still don’t feel like writing, but I just wanted to briefly share a couple of things with you. I will write more later, and in more detail.

I guess you could call this a sequel to the last two I published. On 7th which I wrote: “Ok…Mind Please S L O W Down!” with a follow up page on July 12th “Bipolar --Extreme “Hi and Low” Cont.” if you have not already, I recommend you read them first so you know where I am going with this.

Today is the 21st, and the “Mania” has not yet left me. Thirteen days of my mind being totally out of control. Mentally speaking, these 14 days seems like months!

On July 12th  I went to the doctor. Our intention was to go over the results from the Neuropsychological exam I had recently took. In about three minutes she shut my file and asked me what’s going on? I started to explain about the extreme high I just came off of, and now I feel like I am out of control; absolute rage mixed with depression, and it will not go away. Of course being the professional she is, she recognized immediately what was going on. I kept trying to explain, but she shut me up. Nine years of seeing this doctor and I have never had her talk to me the way she did. Until this point, she never raised her voice or even looked upset. I asked about the tests results and as best I can remember this is what she told me:

“Forget about the test! That stupid test is the least of your problems. You are a total wreck! Do you know you are going through one of the worst case of Manic Attack (Mania) that you have ever went through? It should be gone now but it‘s getting worse isn‘t it?” “Yes“ I replied.

At this time, I will share a link with you that describes some, or most, of what I was going through that very second: This is from wikipedia.org  that offers a entire world of information. This is one short section of what my doctor and myself discussed:

Manic episodeMain article: Mania

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

To be diagnosed with mania according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a person must experience this state of elevated or irritable mood, as well as other symptoms, for at least one week, less if hospitalization is required.”

{The above text in blue is what I was experiencing}

Over the coarse of the years I have been her patient we “half-way” joked of me going into a mental hospital. This time, it was no joke. She wanted me to. She said the they could monitor the change in medication and how I react 24 hours a day, which will be faster and easier on me. She also made a point that although I am not thinking of purposely going out and hurting anyone, the least little thing could trigger me into violence. I sat still for a few minutes.

 “Doc, I don’t want to go into a hospital. You know me by now. I’ll follow your instructions to the letter, take whatever you want me to take, I just don’t want to go into the hospital.” She wrote out the instructions, wrote the prescriptions, and set up the next appointment in one week. She instructed the front desk to tell the answering service at night if I call get a hold of her immediately.

 She had me figured out though. I don’t want to go out and hurt anyone. I don’t want to start a fight either. There were many times I did control myself when I could have had the chance. But there is not a doubt in my mind, if someone came at me, or started something, I would rip his tongue out and shove it back down his throat! His size would not matter. The rage builds up so intense I know without a doubt no one could stop me! Under my breathe I have mumbled “Come on, you have no idea…!”

Now, I ask you this: Does this sound like the person who has been writing this blog? Go back and read the other pages. Different huh? It’s still me. I have just changed because of something way beyond my control.

The above is what happened when I went to the doctor on the 12th. I would like to fill you in what has happened since, but I cannot write anymore now. I do not feel good. There has been some changes, but not a lot.

"My Mind"

Bipolar Victims: Keep Pressing On!

*** Please watch this video, listen to the words and follow lyrics before you read this. There is not a better video that could describe the true meaning of this post! ***

Special note to my Bipolar Friends:


I was planning this last night and as I started today, I had to take a break. Lot of things happened this morning that gradually started getting me down. In the kitchen I mentioned  “in passing” what I was thinking of writing to my wife, and she said maybe you should title it “One Of Those Days - Take II.
Believe it or not, I almost did!. But I got to thinking about it more and I realized this is the perfect time to write this! I don’t think I could in fairness write this to you unless I am having one of those days myself, and explain how I have to keep going on, like it or not. I want to give you an example of how I live “The other life.”  Remember! The website address for this Blog is:

www.two-lives-one-mind.blogspot.com

This is what it is all about my friends!


I don’t think it matters if you are suffering with bipolar and having minor episodes of depression, or bipolar I like myself with full blown attacks, it is not easy to put on the “mask” and keep going with the normal day-to-day life. The only difference is depending on the level of bipolar you are, the harder it is to pull off. Myself, there are times when I just want to give up for just one day, call it quits and completely shut myself off from everything and everyone. It is so hard!


Please remember this; IF you choose (I KNOW you did or you will not be reading this) to continue to live on this planet with millions of crazy nuts (Hint: They just have not been diagnosed yet -:) or unless you want to be in a mental hospital where they dope you so much you do not know what month it is, thus, never have the hope of getting out, you have to find a way to somehow keep going. You must! There is no other way around it. If you want to continue on with life no matter how you feel, you have to find that one secret that only you know that will help you make it through. Hey, do not for one minute think I am talking about illegal drugs or alcohol, I am talking about YOU and YOU alone achieving more than you or anyone of us will think possible: put on that mask and go on even when you think ‘I quit!’


What I want you to do, is to remember what sincere recovering alcoholic or drug addicts face. I am amazed by their courage.  I honor them for their courage and willpower. I feel for them when they ’slip’ and have to start from day one again. You ask any of them and they can tell you the exact date from years, months, and days. Every day is a battle. Usually when stress overcomes them, it is all they can do to NOT slip, but they keep repeating the date in their minds over and over.


If you read many of the earlier pages, you will get the idea of how bad I was. Nine years ago, it was greater than a 90% chance I would not be sitting at this computer writing to you today. Or, it was probably just a little lower percentage that I would probably be “Locked Up".
 
Now,  there are some blogs I have read from time to time that the writer with bipolar say they are totally cured. I am happy for them. All I know is from the experience of my family (my mom as a perfect example), research, myself, and what the doctors admit to me, Bipolar I or schizophrenia patients like myself may become remarkably better, but there is not one day that one or more symptoms  has not left me. It is always there. Like a recovering alcoholic, every single day is a battle.


Getting back to my theme here, this is what I am faced with. The last page, and this one also, I do not want to speak to anyone. If the phone rings, I will probably not answer it unless it’s a close family member. I would give almost anything in the world to turn the music up am now listening to up, crawl in bed, and lay there until night. It would not take much for a grown man to lay there and cry. My Mind wants to SHUT DOWN the rest of the day hoping tomorrow will be better. But I cannot do it. I have a job to go to, and my family depends on that income. We cannot make it without the income. I am not wealthy by a long shot so any loss of income for any amount of time and we will be.


Now, keep in mind the my feelings I just described. I know in just a little while I have to get ready and go to work. For the last 12 years I have held an extremely stressful job. During a non-stop 9 -11 hours, I will talk to over 80 customers and employees on the phone. I will have to (somewhat cheerfully) talk in person to about 20 people. Almost every single phone call requires some type of action, and most of the time, I have to make a split decision on how to react. A very poor decision could hurt the company or depending on how serious, even my lively hood. I do not want to get dressed. I sit in my room, looking at the clothes I am about to put on for sometimes up to 30 minutes. Then I start slowly getting dressed. Once I am dressed, I am a little better…until I get in the car and head into the office. I start getting depressed again. I try to concentrate on the different things I have to do every night, and though my concentration breaks many times, I picture myself handling situations that “could” come up--some really hard ones. Every day I say a little Prayer, “please help me make it.”


See, here’s what almost no one realizes. With having serious bipolar for years, and my memory is fading, I have to work 3 times harder the other person. I have to keep notes on a legal pad that sits beside me all the time. Sometimes it takes up two full pages. I am involved in meetings every day with about 7 other people in the committee. They rattle of numbers, specific things that happened days ago. I sometimes remember, vaguely, but most of the time I cannot remember who did what the day before.. I make it through the meetings because the majority of the time I can glance at my notes, and assist in planning the future strategies. Then the action starts. Just recently I was told I do an awesome job. BUT what they do not realize it takes every ounce I have to make it through each day. What anyone could do in a few minutes, it takes me twice as long because of the distractions that constantly comes into my mind. By 4 hours, I am pretty much in full swing. I am almost at my game. The problem now is my mind races a hundred miles an hour and I cannot catch up. I, unlike most, have to continually quickly write down the situation I am faced with and prioritize them or I will start on one problem, switch in the middle to another, back and forth so I am not accomplishing anything. About hour 7, the stress level is getting about to get to me. Not only am I still answering the phones, sometimes 3 lines are holding all the time…(Remember I still do not want to talk to anyone) and my mind is getting very tired. I STILL have to sound somewhat fresh and polite. From then on until I shut down the computer and phones, I am about to loose it. Saturday, after a very long week of this charade, I am so mentally drained I am a zombie most of the day. My mind, even though drained, will not shut down. I take a prescribed sleeping pill for this purpose and about 35 minutes, it starts to relax, then the if finally goes into the sleep mode (like your computer).


The people I am in contact with do not see “the real me.” They will see a glimpse every now and then, and ask if everything is ok, I reply in the most normal tone I can muster “No, I’m fine. Just a little mellow today.” The only one I cannot fool (completely) is my wife. She, bless her heart, has this ability to know when I do not have the mask on. I don’t think she understand how bad I am feeling inside, but she knows I am having trouble trying to hide the real me.


So, how do I do it? I MAKE myself. Trust me, I know what you are thinking: I can’t! We will agree one  main problem here and that is, depression breads depression. It “feeds” on itself. When we seem to be at our worst times, we only want to think of the bad things. We dwell, and feed on all the failures we experienced. We do this so often, eventually that is all we remember. I have no doubt I accomplished some pretty good things over the years, but I cannot recall all of them. But I sure can tell you ALL my faults and failures! When we are at that depressed stage, and believe me mine can get all the way into darkness, I do NOT want to be happy. I WANT to be sad. I listen to sad, heartbreaking music. I do not want to do anything, I just want to be left alone, continually being more and more depressed. This my dear friends is where so many suicides come into place. Life as we know is worthless. We want out so bad we can’t help ourselves. No one will miss us. PLEASE do not believe that for a minute! I now have many more grandchildren that I love dearly. I have a cute little daughter I would not have had. I have the best wife in the world who supports me, loves me, and I don’t think she could bare it if I left that way. And so do you! I promise you with every breath I take, you affect someone. Please understand this!


Remember in one of the first couple pages I wrote describing all the symptoms I have or had of Bipolar I? In most days I don’t have all of them. Some days I have most of them, but there is not a day goes by that at least a couple are always present. But sometimes when I absolutely have to, which is very often, I have to put on the mask and hide it. Do I succeed all the time? No. And you won’t either. So what if you have a day  and you cannot force yourself  to put on the mask and live the “other life” that you need to. Don’t beat yourself up the next day. Usually with me, the other day will be a little better. And so will yours. Just keep in mind, like the alcoholic take it one day at a time. You may or may not see it this way, but I Pray everyday, and my faith always helps. We need faith that we will be ok, if we keep pressing on.


An example is I am on Facebook under "Eagle Mind." If you were to read my wall, there is a real a real good chance you could not tell who I am. I write positive things. I post cute quotes. Sometimes I put cool pictures on. I comment or “like” on a lot of friends funny comments. That is me with a mask on. The other live, in one mind.


In summery, sometimes it will not be easy. It will drain you. It will take everything you have to succeed. I know by experience. But you can make it. I hope somehow in this poorly composed special letter to you, I have helped. I hope you read this and at least give it a shot. That my friend, was my only goal. Hang in there, and keep pressing on! You will make it!


I wish you only the best, and I will saying a Prayer for all of us