A Cry For Help By--Edgar Allen Poe - Introduced By Kay Jamison

In the book by Kay Redfield Jamison " Touched With Fire" I found a paragraph which she describes "the more serious depressive states" so elegantly that few people can match. For me, she can describe the very heart of what we ourselves, or at least me, are feeling but having trouble putting into words. This paragraph leads to the quote by Poe I want to share with you. Poe, no doubt like many, yours truly also, in his condition was crying out for help. Kay Jamison wrote:

"Mood, in the more serious depressive states, is usually bleak, pessimistic, and despairing. A deep sense of futility is frequently accompanied, if not preceded, by the belief that the ability to experience pleasure is permanently gone. The physical and psychological worlds are experienced as shades of grays and blacks, as having lost their color and vibrancy. Irritability, quick anger, suspiciousness, and emotional turbulence are frequent correlates of depressed mood; morbid and suicidal thinking are common. The mood of misery and suffering that usually accompanies depression was experienced by Edgar Allan Poe in a letter written when he was in his mid - twenties:"

"My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed. I am suffering under a depression of spirits such as I have never felt before. I have struggled in vain against the influence of melancholy - You will believe me when I say that I am miserable in pain in spite of the great improvement in my circumstances. I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that man who is writing for effect does not write thus. My heart is open before you - if it be worth reading, read it. I am wretched, and know not why. Console me - for you can. But let it be quickly - or it will be too late. Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one's while - that it is all necessary to live, and you will prove yourself indeed my friend. Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this - I do not mean that you should consider what I now write you a jest - oh pity me! for I feel that my words are incoherent - but I will recover myself. You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will {not fail to} ruin me should it be too long continued."

Edgar Allen Poe

"My Mind"

Fighting a Loosing Battle Here...

I just have a couple of minutes but wanted to say a couple of things.

Ok, I'm loosing it! For years I have been settled in and comfortable in a "routine" daily schedule. That is now history. The manic-depression in me that I could understand and almost live with is a thing of the past. The cycles that came and went are now constant with NO chance of a break. Without warning I switch back and forth: in the middle, instant irritability, rage, out of control; then deep depression. The problem we (my doctor and myself) are facing is at times I have all of these at once - going back and forth.

As you can tell, one of the many, many symptoms that comes with this "wonderful" illness is obsessive behavior. Instead of what some do, I feel I have to change the appearance of this blog, over and over. I believe I had it looking half way decient, then I changed it and now I am not so sure.

Then, comes my time. I am second shift Supervisor where I work. I have to leave the house at 2:30 pm for a meeting by 3:00pm. I usually get home about 1:00 am. In the middle of this, I am on here changing things, reading 4 books, reading a dozen or so emails from various newsletters I get on bipolar, reading and answering emails from readers, interacting on many bipolar groups on FB under Eagle Mind, and then, with no time left...home life. That makes me feel guilty...in turn...makes me depressed.

Writing the next main subject comes into play here also. It is hard. Here is a photo that has arrows showing the gauge from severe mania - severe depression. When I am attempting to write about the next main subject, the meter goes near the top...in the red...then to the bottom... while I am typing. Why write it then? I can only answer by saying...I have to.

I will try to write a note sometime in the morning hours. Sorry but I have to cut this short.

"My Mind"

Bipolar Made Another Appearance:

I am having a lot of trouble, but I am working on it. Told you before about me announcing what was coming next and how that never worked, but I still am going to do it. The question is with my frame of mind how it will turn out. It has been a rough few days for me so that does not help.

This morning, and so far into the early afternoon ranks up there pretty high in the "bad day" category. The >>manic phase << is hitting right now. But on a scale of 1 - 10 with ten being the worse I am only about a 4. So far here are the traits as I type this:

Confusion, irritability, high anger, bad thoughts feeding this anger ---immediately switching to deep depression, worthless, chest feels heavy, wanting to close door and hide---switching again---going around in a circle. My medication has done nothing for me this morning.

As you can see I am not able to write anything else. What brought this on? Is it the subject matter I have been constantly thinking about? I do not know. What I DO know is most of the time, no matter where I am, my mind is on writing, and in doing this, things that did cause severe episodes just thinking about them are floating around and around in my mind. I catch myself and force the direction of my thoughts away because I can feel the heart starting to beat faster; my breaths are shorter....

Even feeling the way I am this very minute, I have to go into the office and I will start a meeting at 3pm, then it's non-stop work until about midnight. I have to try to concentrate. Decisions will have to be made all night. I will probably talk to over 50 or more of our employees either on the phone, or in person. It's going to be a long night. I will say a quiet Prayer for help. I'll try to find a song that makes me feel good and hum it in my mind all night...

I have to close and leave you with this quote:

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

Elizabeth Wurtzel

From Book Prozac Nation

Erratic Behavior

Erratic Behavior

I have a lot of catching up to do with my current condition, but I have been putting it off for a couple of reasons. First, I have been on such a roller coaster since I published "You Are A Total Wreck" on July 21st. I was hoping I could at least get on level ground so I could concentrate on writing about it. I was bouncing like a ball from severe mania to severe depression and back again -from the mind traveling a million miles an hour to extremely happy, extremely depressed,  and then explosive rage and irritability  --all changing in not only a matter of days apart, but in some cases just hours. Secondly, I was putting off writing about it because I could not, and still have not got to the point where I am able to write what was going through my mind - my actual thoughts.

Should I? How explicit and honest should I be here? Do you really want to read how this stage of bipolar I took over my mind stronger than it ever has before, even to the point that the doctor was on the verge of putting me into the hospital before the thoughts that continually, over and over, played like a record in my head became a reality? This is why I have been avoiding talking about my situation. I do not know if it is appropriate to write it. Then again, it is one thing to think it to myself but to actually tell someone is almost confessing.

This has been going on for over a month now! I don't know what I will say later. Either way, I may try to see if the current change in treatment will settle me down where I will be able write about these feelings in more clear state of mind.

If you wish to give your opinion, you are welcome to leave a comment.

My Mind