Fighting a Loosing Battle Here...

I just have a couple of minutes but wanted to say a couple of things.

Ok, I'm loosing it! For years I have been settled in and comfortable in a "routine" daily schedule. That is now history. The manic-depression in me that I could understand and almost live with is a thing of the past. The cycles that came and went are now constant with NO chance of a break. Without warning I switch back and forth: in the middle, instant irritability, rage, out of control; then deep depression. The problem we (my doctor and myself) are facing is at times I have all of these at once - going back and forth.

As you can tell, one of the many, many symptoms that comes with this "wonderful" illness is obsessive behavior. Instead of what some do, I feel I have to change the appearance of this blog, over and over. I believe I had it looking half way decient, then I changed it and now I am not so sure.

Then, comes my time. I am second shift Supervisor where I work. I have to leave the house at 2:30 pm for a meeting by 3:00pm. I usually get home about 1:00 am. In the middle of this, I am on here changing things, reading 4 books, reading a dozen or so emails from various newsletters I get on bipolar, reading and answering emails from readers, interacting on many bipolar groups on FB under Eagle Mind, and then, with no time left...home life. That makes me feel guilty...in turn...makes me depressed.

Writing the next main subject comes into play here also. It is hard. Here is a photo that has arrows showing the gauge from severe mania - severe depression. When I am attempting to write about the next main subject, the meter goes near the top...in the red...then to the bottom... while I am typing. Why write it then? I can only answer by saying...I have to.

I will try to write a note sometime in the morning hours. Sorry but I have to cut this short.

"My Mind"

In Submission

Tonight I am submissive of my mind. Yesterday and today - up until this afternoon - I was excited what I was going to post next. It was a project concerning a series that would have covered four different posts. This afternoon, I could feel "the change" coming and no matter how I tried, I could not complete the first phase.

I have brought this up before. How do I make you understand? I type a couple of words and then I am blank. I look at the outline, notes, research, and as I try to type, something inside fights it. That feeling is so strong I can feel the resistance building up in every cell of my body. Picture an accomplished artist that has planned a beautiful landscape in his mind he wants to paint. He can see it, feel it, almost smell the fresh air and as the brush touched the canvas, it does not come out the way he wants. Even the easiest strokes of the brush does not give him the results he "sees". Suddenly, he does not want to paint the landscape scene so instead, he pains a potted plant sitting on a stool. Perhaps, it is not a bad painting, not at all a masterpiece, but worse of all the artist is not happy with it because it was NOT what HE wanted to paint!

So, then if the above be the case, I am totally controlled by my mind. Think about that. This is what scares me, if after all these years I have come through with treatments, medicine, tests after tests and I have no more control over my mind then that, what about the future? Will I get worse? Will my mind control me to something bad? What if it turns to the worse...again...only this time actually over the cliff I was at one time standing on looking down?

There are many who wander if treated bipolar I patients still go through the cycles. Well, I have started keeping a journal. I start in a line or two in the morning and add to it later, OR if there is a sudden change. Here's an example of the results of a few days.

From Sept 9th to Sept 15th, there was a calm "not-to-bad period," then it suddenly changed. No particular order. It could start out bad, change to good or reverse. Some were minor, just mood changes, others were more severe. On the good days, there were  one or two changes. On the bad days, one especially, I went through 5 different experiences of feelings, mental thoughts, and mood changes in one day alone.

*Everyday, I went through a change*

Anyway, I'll sign off. Suddenly my mind is tired. I will try to write this weekend. My mind is usually tired after a fighting all the above and stressful work also.

Be back soon....

"My Mind"