From my Heart to Yours

Many drafts lay in the folder of the blog waiting to be finished and published. Some, hours before, were burning in my heart and I could not wait until I finished them. Then, either the fire was immediately put out or slowly the dark mist came over me that causes me to loose all interest in anything. Writing is too much of a task. My Mind becomes tired. Of all the pages I have published I have went back to them over and over until that "feeling" is right. Tonight I am having a rough time so please overlook any mistakes in writing.

Even though the last two years I have live a live of unimaginable agony mentally, and went through several major trials physically; tonight I am thinking of you. I cannot get you out of my head.

You and I are for the most part are...all ...alone. No one can relate to us. Even our most dear loved ones who stand beside us and try their best to support us  - do not understand us. There are many who will disagree with me when I say that as far as my humble (for what-ever-it's worth) opinion:  it does not matter how long you went to school, what degree you hold, how many patients you treat...unless you live ALL the nightmares that comes with this illness day after long day; begging the night to come so maybe sleep will shield you - OR you wander what it would be like to just kept on sleeping so you won't have to face another day - you will never know what we really go through!

If I am the least qualified, but I'd like to offer some advice or suggestions to you.

1)   Facebook and Social Network Groups

I am happy to see thousands of you joining Bipolar and Mental Illness groups on Facebook and other networks. I am members of many on Facebook and I slip in from time to time to read the latest, click the "like" button and once in awhile comment. I read the dreadful condition you are in and am proud so very many offer support. THAT my friends is what this is all about! I will caution those of you who are new to this illness, please be careful - sometimes on there you are being given advice by many people who may not know or understand your exact situation or understand your problem. Watch the posts the administrator's put on their group site and read them carefully. More often than not you will find some answers to your questions.

2)   Blogs and Websites:

Spend the time to research and find the Blogs and Websites that you not only find interesting but will constantly "feed" you valuable information! This is critical. When I first started I subscribed to so many I was getting over 50 emails a day. OK, so I over did it just a bit. But the lesson here is find the ones you like, trust, and keep watching for them. Not all of them will apply to you "every time" but you will eventually find GOLD! For those of you who may just be getting started if you don't mind I'd like to recommend some of the ones I started out with, and have stayed with them because they are consistent and more importantly have a treasure of information for you. (I cannot list all my favorites so I'm sorry if yours are not mentioned here. I will continue to recommend sites at a later time.) Trust me; this is just a couple to start with as there are hundreds that are helpful:

1) bp Magazine
 ttp://www.bphope.com/

2) Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

3) HealthyPlace
http://www.healthyplace.com/

4)  Kay Redfield Jamison --Face Book
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Living-with-Bipolar-Disorder-Healthline/283614231695971#!/KayRedfieldJamison

5) McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web
http://www.mcmanweb.com/

6) Bipolar Today
http://www.bipolartoday.com/

7) Healthline
http://www.healthline.com/health/depression


Like I mentioned, this is a few that I enjoy and trust you will also.

 Finally and probably the most critical is:

3)  Please --READ; STUDY; DISSECT books written from the best you can find!


As I mentioned above, if I am going to try to help myself understand and learn what I am to expect with this illness of Bipolar (Manic - Depression) than I am going to study someone who not only devoted their life to this illness, but is also a patient. Of course I am talking about Kay Redfield Jamison. Here is just a short biography:

"Kay Redfield Jamison is Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine as well as Honorary Professor of English at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. She is the author of the national best sellers An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, and Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. ...

She is coauthor of the standard medical text on manic-depressive illness and author or coauthor of more than one hundred scientific papers about mood disorders, creativity, and psychopharmacology. Dr. Jamison, the recipient of numerous national and international scientific awards, was distinguished lecturer at Harvard University in 2002 and the Litchfield lecturer at the University of Oxford in 2003. She is a John P. and Catherine T. MacArthur Fellow"

On the right sidebar of this blog you will find the three books mentioned above. Don't worry; I have not seen a dime from the sale of these books. These three books lay in front of me on my desk as I type this. I cannot imagine anyone not reading them. If you do not want to buy them, go to the library and check them out. If you have this illness, and are serious about learning as much as you can about it, there is no reason why you would not read at least these three. 

Well, my mind is shutting down. It's time for me to go. Keep pressing on; encourage someone when you can; and never forget there is a man behind this blog who although fights daily for every inch of peace of mind he can find, is thinking of you and hoping you are ..."hanging in there."

"My (Very Tired) Mind"

"The Mind ...It's Impossible"

"No Human, no matter how intellectual he/she is, can cure another human mind when it did not create it; and moreover is more intricate and measureless than all the galaxies of the worlds put together."

Jerry D Parker

Revelations Unveiled:

 

It has been a long time of silence since I wrote "How Much Can I Continue To Bear?" I actually did write you. It is completed and sits it the "drafts" section waiting for me to hit the publish button. I almost published it many times but each time something inside me stopped me.

 Following my state of mind in How Much Can I Continue To Bear? And the months preceding it anyone could tell my mental and actual physical survival was held by the strength of a single strand of spider web. I did not publish that last post with the hope that I would be able to speak to you again. The one that is still "pending" would be the last one I would ever write. I'm so glad I waited!

I just wanted you to know I am still here. Even though I am still wandering in the depths of the deep, dark, scary forest, I am now on a little unmarked trail that I trust will eventually lead me out into the sunlight.

 There are two things that had a great impact on the fact that I am here writing you today. I will share these with you next:

   1)   The unbelievable realization that for all these years I put my very unstable, week life into my doctor's hands; at times on the absolute edge of suicide, and to realize there were critical portions of information (some medical) in my file that could have, did have, affect my life, went unread. An Eight hour Neuropsychological Evaluation taken on June of 2011 --she just now realized some of their recommendations that could have possible helped me over a year ago. (I was not able to obtain a copy until now)

   2)   And extremely important part of the puzzle is something most people do not realize. Don't brush if off, I just want you to think about something until our next discussion. I'm just going to throw something out there for you. We are battling the mind. The mind is inside the brain that still has science spending their entire careers trying to figure out. BUT away from the brain and completely unconnected with the brain is the Heart and Soul (some look at these from the spiritual realm and not the actual beating muscles of the heart a doctor can hold in his/her hands). It has been stated that once something serious is placed upon the heart, and with complete faith - undoubted, absolute faith, it will produce results. We will look into that later.

You know me. I don't know when my mind will let me sit still enough to write. I will be back as soon as I can. I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts and Prayers. I am still..."trying to hang in there."

"My Mind"      

How Much Can I Continue To Bear?

       Natalie Grant - The Real Me

Foolish heart looks like we're here again Same old game of plastic smile. Don't let anybody in Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break. How much will they take before I'm empty. Do I let it show, does anybody know?But you see the real me. Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty...Cause you see the real me!

I chose this song because there was a time long ago when I could successfully wear the mask and at times only my wife could see through; see the real me and know the hurt I was feeling deep inside. Those times have all disappeared. The plastic smile melts before it is visible and now everyone knows. They do not know to what extent the pain is behind the plastic smile, nor do they know how what is exactly wrong with me, or the serious damage it has caused, and still does cause me and my family. "Something just isn't right." That is...for now all everyone sees. In addition living with daily multiple symptoms of the evil illness, thinking inside I am an open book does not help the situation. 

I'm sorry but this is a post like no other I have done I am not going to apologize how this will turn out. I believe you will understand when you finish reading it the state of mind I am in is not in any condition to turn out a perfect article…not that I succeeded it that area in the first place. The normal post, according to most, should be short as to keep the reader’s attention and not ramble on. Well, there are some things I am going to say and if it’s a little long…well so be it.

My intentions, among others when I started this blog were:

• Give you as much words of encouragement I could to lift you up and let you know you are not alone.

• Offer some information and plant some seeds that you can think about, take with you, and give you the desire to research more to learn as much as you can about your situation.

• Share some of my experiences with you that hopefully someday will educate, encourage, or at the least let you know you are not alone.

I hope and pray after all months and yes, years I have spent writing this blog I was able to accomplish a few of the above. I have not asked much from you but I am going to now. I so desperately need some words of encouragement—just a kind note will be worth gold to me right now.

Looking in reverse right now I see signs of my illness of over 42 years. Of that time, the last nine - plus years I have been faithfully going to the psychiatrist, taking whatever medications prescribed to me, seeing specialist and the way I am feeling this very moment, please forgive the sarcasm, all the money spent that the insurance did not pay was basically flushed down the toilet.

The last twenty days have been a full scale war with me. Look up the charts of all the symptoms on Bipolar I and every day for at least twenty days I have had anywhere from five to ten hitting me from time to time with no letting up. You name it from mania; rage; irritable; deep dark depression; the urge to fly away - where does not matter as long as this dreadful blackness following me cannot follow; daydreams; nightmares; and on and on. Looking at it from my point of view this very second the way I see it is a poison releasing itself into my system, even though a slow dose, and am all too aware that if continued even at the same level with no letup - it will surely kill you.

I'm sorry, this is not like me. You all that know me I will try to keep fighting and will continue to "hang in there" but does there ever come a time where enough is enough?

You don't really know the REAL ME! Even those who do know me probably have forgotten over the years. Years ago I was a friendly person who never met a stranger. I was passionate; romantic - I loved with all my heart and soul and my heart raced with romantic thoughts; I looked forward to life - dreamed and fantasized what life could be like; I lived for beautiful sunsets, photographs of beautiful scenes, animals and such. Once in a while, I am able to let a glimpse of this slip through on Facebook under Jerry D Parker (Eagle Mind). But it's getting less and less. The real me is still there but it is surrounded by a dark ugly shadow.

“If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

About two weeks ago I went to the doctor again, she is exasperated... As I mentioned before she stated I am one of the hardest patient to treat because my condition (symptoms) continue to change, but most of all my mind just does not respond to medication the way it should. One example was a fairly high dose of extended release that was supposed to stay in my system for 8 to 12 hours, would be gone in 3. Sure, she could totally dope me up to rid all the mental pain but I would not be able to function. I would be a zombie -better off in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between being able to be coherent enough to carry on a job to support my family and totally "out of it." My doctor stated after almost 10 years of treatment she could print a list of all the medication I have tried and the rolls of paper would spill out into the street. This does not even account for the combinations taken together and the doses changed. She has consulted with her colleges - something should have worked by now!

It's so hard to explain to you what is going on this very minute. I am so very tired. Mentally tired. I want some relief. I long for a break, even if it is short time. Oh what I would give for a few days of no symptoms whatsoever!

Many have asked me advice on various types of medications, how they have helped and what they should expect. Know you know why I have not even brushed the subject of medication. How can I give advice when nothing I have taken so far has completely helped? Is that because my system does not even acknowledge the medication at all? I could list some strong medicine I took that has the same effect as an aspirin.

I just saw the doctor again. She monitored the results of doubling the dose of the medicine I was on, and adding yet some different kinds at a high dose -one last effort. Her next recommendation is to go to a Renowned Psychiatric Ward in a large Hospital in my area for a battery of special tests including an MRI. Unfortunately with all the surgeries and radiation treatments I have went through, I have still have my deductible and out of pocket expense I have to cover, and now today I find out the company I work for just increased my deductible and out of pocket by $9000 more effective immediately. The doctor stated the treatments at the hospital will be very expensive, who can afford this?

I'm tired. I want it to end. I want, no I Pray desperately for relief. For thousands of years ones just like me have fought this illness. Just like me they did not know what path to take.They just did not think they could bear it anymore. However, many wonderful famous people found that little path and destroyed the dreadful, relentless illness the only way they knew how...they killed it.

I have suddenly come to the conclusion and embrace the fact that one way or another it will take more than doctors and their medications to help me get out of this hole. I long for the day when the Majestic Eagle sweeps down and lifts me up to a plane of peace and relief not known to man. I am clinging to this.

Early Morning Thoughts 11/5/11...(Sharing Again--Nothing Has Changed)

It was sometime between two and three this morning, when the world seemed asleep and at peace, I was sitting here trying to get over a major hurdle in the draft of the next post I promised when like the fog that slowly moves in just before daylight, thoughts of despair and helplessness started entering into my mind. Either brought on by what I was trying to write or just because "It" can, the illness inside of me caused my mind to think... 

"My entire neighborhood was quiet. Except for outside driveway light posts and an occasional porch light on, all the houses were dark. I thought of all the people in bed, asleep, "their" minds are wherever they go when peaceful sleep comes. When they awake, their mind will still be at ease. Mine, it seems, will be never know what that feeling is like. Proof of that is while the country is asleep or out doing what they enjoy, I am still up, possessed on writing about an illness that will not leave. 'It' may at times seem like it has left, but it really never does. It likes to tease and it never fails to creep back in and remind me - I am not in control, it is. I have no say when it will appear, how long it will stay, or how bad it will be. I live everyday a slave to it. What would it be like to go just one day without even one symptom to reminding me of it? And now, this main point I am trying to write so they will understand, does not seem it can be translated into words. By me anyway..."

So, as this happened, I was finished for the rest of the night. I was getting tired of trying to force this - "It" - away, and more thoughts kept coming so I took the medicine and went to bed. It was awhile later when I too fell asleep. I remember thinking just before I started drifting off how I so much looked forward to it. At least, I would not be aware of what was going on in this crazy manic-depressive mind, and the words on that draft that is so difficult to write would for awhile anyway, be forgotten.

I will leave you with a quote that seems like this one just fit the mood: 

"I’d been depressed before, of course. But I’m talking about really depressed. Not just feeling a bit down or sad, a depression that has something to do with biorhythms. I’m talking about the kind of depressed that floats in upon you like a fog. You can feel it coming and you can see where it is going to take you but you are powerless, utterly powerless to stop it. I know now"

Alan Cumming, Tommy’s Tale

"My Mind"