Good Morning & Good Night (Re-Post)

It was so hard to close down after I hit the "publish" button on the last page and go to work. Not feeling like being around anyone other than family, and then go to work where it's nonstop talking to employees and customers on the phone for over nine hours straight without a break is hard. Now, it after 03:30 AM and although my mind is so very tired, it still is going a hundred miles an hour - from one subject to the next -until it's even difficult for me to just type this.

I was going to write in more detail tonight (sorry - morning) but I can tell that if I do not shut this down and get my mind off some things, sleep may never come. I did not get in bed until well after 4am yesterday. So, I am going to leave you with yet another couple paragraphs from the book I just completed that I wish all of you could read:

"We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadness's of life and the ofter overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this - through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication - we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh sea -water that will fend off the inevitable inclination toward brackishness. For someone with my cast of mind and mood, medicine is an integral element of this wall: without it, I would be constantly beholden to the crushing movements of a mental sea; I would, unquestionably, be dead or insane."

"But love is, to me, the ultimate more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality."

"An Unquiet Mind"

Kay Jamison

Good Night friends, I am going to try to sleep.

"My Mind"

Not Writing... But You Are In My Thoughts (Re-Post)

Many things beyond my control have prevented me from writing. The commitment I made to myself months ago to write two or three times a week has just not been possible, and putting aside all the other challenges I am under, this failure of not reaching my goal is in itself - depressing.

I will leave you with a short quote I found that touched my heart. It may appeal to some, and not to others. Before I do, I want all of you who suffer from any degree of this dreadful illness to know that just because I may not know you personally, my thoughts and Prayers are with you. I have never doubted that no matter how serious my condition may be there are some of you who suffer more than anyone could ever imagine. Always remember, the man who tries to write this simple little blog constantly hopes you will get better soon and will NEVER give up! I always wish I could say something here that would help you; lift you up; give you the strength and courage to keep fighting the battle and always...hang in there!

Extracted from the book Touched with Fire, Poet Samuel Johnson had his first major breakdown at age twenty which lasted for two years. To emphasize once again this illness did not just develop during our generation, Johnson wrote this in 1761:

    "My terrours and perplexities have so much increased, that I am under great depression. . . . Almighty and merciful Father look down upon my misery with pity"

"My Mind"

I Just Could Not Write...(Originally Posted 11/23/12) And so it goes on...

    It has been difficult to write.  I could list so many reasons and they all would be valid. But to be honest, I just closed my mind. The normal kept dreadful symptoms kept  coming and going...some stronger than ever....but I chose to let the skin that covers the brain keep all the feelings, thoughts, pain, and even nightmare within its walls and refused to let then out or share them with anyone.

I am hanging in there. I realize this monstrous illness has but one goal, and I refuse to let it win. I cannot stop what comes into my mind, but I can fight with everything inside of me to not let IT win!

I will leave you with a Quote. Read this carefully, then re-read it because within this quote is the ultimate goal of the disease that consumes my mind. I found In Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison:

"What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. Because it is not immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played on the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this caldron, because there there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion."

Novelist William Styron

"My Mind"

My Christmas Gift To You

If I had the power in me I would wrap a special gift and it would be sitting at your doorstep the very first think in the morning. It would be the most precious gift anyone could give you! When you opened it this horrible, incurable illness would be gone from you...forever! Oh, if you truly knew my heart you would know how sincere I am. I wish so much I could give this gift to you. But I cannot, and I'm so sorry.

So the gift I can give you is some advise. We all know we cannot control when the low spirit of depression may come. It usually comes when we least expect it, or want it. You see, many years before I realized I what was wrong with me and finally went to the doctor, I have, I guess I would not say ruined but put a major "damper" on many my little girls Christmas mornings  You try to hide it, but the little cute ones can see right through you! So try this and hopefully it will hep you:

• Make sure you take your medication! Hopefully your timing is so you can take it in the morning
• There had to be your "favorite" Christmas song that makes you feel good and puts you in the spirit. Play it. Play it to death if you have to. Then have it set up so as soon as you get up in the morning, it's the first thing you hear!
• Finally, not knowing your faith, and to be honest I really don't care, it would not hurt to say a quiet little prayer when you go to bed. No matter what your faith, if you are sincere, it will help. A quote is on my desk that I read everyday : "And ALL things whatsoever ye ask in Prayer, believing, Ye shall receive." (Mathew 21:22)

Those who do not know me very well know that I do not write very often, But what I do write, I write with everything in my heart! My wish, from the bottom of my heart is that each you of have a good Christmas and you are able to truly, without any forcefulness enjoy it with your family! I will be thinking of you.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless 

P.S. This is the song I love to hear Christmas Morning

Bipolar I: Symptoms: What They Mean and How They Feel --To Come

     I was working on the above title (it may change) when I realized why I was having so much trouble. You see, many of the very things I was writing about, I am going through this very moment. It makes it almost impossible to focus. Here's and example...still taking meds and being treated...of what I am feeling now. I intend to go further in depth with the next post (The above Title) Here are a couple the great attributes of this wonderful illness that is flowing through me: {Notice the mixed states}

Irritable Mood: It would not take much or anyone to set me off.

Tendency to be Easily Distracted: I cannot keep my thought on one thing long enough to finish.

Increased Recklessness: -I leave that one alone for later.

Depression: Where it came from I don't know. Curling up and hiding sounds attractive to me right now.

Guilt: How acted, what I said or did (or may not have said or did) the last couple of days to my family makes the above depression increase dramatically. Friends, as I will bring out later, if possible, people do not realize this can be, and has been for centuries if grouped with just some of the other side-effects, more dangerous and destructive than most combined. I hope you understand this.

I soon will be going to work on a 9 -12 hour stressful job. How can I? But I do. Some may not believe like me, but I say a little Prayer on the way every day. Speaking of the above "Guilt", here's a suicide note written moments before Virginia Woolf killed herself:

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V."

"My Mind"