"My Mind"...Please let Me have Control ! !

"Mania is a sickness for one's friends, depression for one's self. Both are chemical. In depression, one wakes, is happy for about two minutes, probably less, and fades into dread of the day. Nothing will happen, but you know twelve hours will pass before you are back in bed and sheltering your consciousness in dreams, or nothing."

Robert Lowell

I wanted to write so bad today! But it is useless to even try. There was something that has been on my heart to write about, and I made up my mind last night I would this morning. But, about twenty minutes from the time my feet hit the floor this morning, I felt it creep in me. Slowly it built up steam... imagine pure depression, irritable, major anger, guilt, restless, anxiety to the point where I cannot breathe --all at once.


There is no use in me trying to type anything else. I feel that I either have to get up and run as hard as I can, or sink into the covers and turn on music and hide. I don't know which, or what to do, and this makes it worse.


I'll be back as soon as I can. Until then, think of me. I know I'll make it...but sometimes it's such a fine line...


"My Mind"

My Last Psychiatrist Visit

The good thing about living in a rather small town near a metropolitan city is that it has character. To me there is nothing like walking down the old sidewalks, looking into the stores that have been in business for over fifty years.

I parked my car on the street in the last spot near the fire hydrant. I sat there for a little bit, looking over my notes. There were several questions I had written down to go over with my psychiatrist. To me, this was a decisive point. I needed answers, and I was prepared to consult other doctors if needed. Finally, I got out of the car and walked along a narrow stone pathway, near a gazebo, around a nice small fountain and up 10 steps to a large stately stone building. As usual, I signed in, took the forms and just filled them out when the doctor called me back.

It started out as normal; how have I been, what has changed, measuring my moods –both mania and serious depression on a scale of one-ten. I told her “I hope you have extra time because this will take a while.” I guess by the tone in my voice and the serious look on my face she replied; “Well, I guess I have to make the time.”

I went over a lot of things, for once, not forgetting what was written on the paper in my pocket. In a nutshell, here’s to the best of my recollection what I said.

“I have suffered with this illness all my life. I can trace it back for generations. Before I walked into your office the first time, I do not believe anyone could be in worse shape and still be alive. ONLY two things held me from weeks carrying out plans that so many in their black hole where only the evil devil awaits: My Faith, and the strong love and support of my wife - the ultimate consequences it would have on her for me to "go" that way. And now, ten years later, I had three consecutive days where these feelings came back. Every symptom in your book I went through. The plans I had set in place all came back. The guilt I placed on my family; they would not only be better off without me—both financially and the burden they live with. Along with that, I am tired. I am so very tired mentally of the sudden instant rollercoaster, unpredictable moods. Why am I not getting better?”

I guess she waited a little bit for me to calm down before she replied. “I have been practicing psychiatry for over thirty years. You, by far are not my worst case…trust me. I have patients in the hospitals that would run chills down your spine if you saw them. And, if you remember, without coming right out and saying it I almost sent you there. Just a few weeks ago I asked you if you could take a week or two off from work and voluntarily commit yourself, so we can monitor you 24/7 and see what’s going on. You are not the worst, BUT, you are about the hardest patient to treat I have.”

I asked what she meant. “Number one, you do not respond to medicine well. We try several; get the dose where it helps and where you can still function, and then you change. So we either raise the dose or add another to assist that medicine. All the medications you are on should be more than enough to even you out. Some that usually puts some patients in a trance has no effect, while others have the opposite effect on you. And like I said, we get things worked out pretty good and your moods and cycle changes - it’s like starting all over again. I will never give up on you, but the rest is up to you.”

I walked in the cool breeze slowly watching the traffic go by. I thought about it as I walked, and all the way home, driving almost in circles, slowly taking the long way home. She was right. One reason so far I have not yet mentioned any medication I have taken over the years is because the list is long. You name it. Many have the effect of Advil. Lithium is out of the question because some of the serious side effects I already have.

I love my family with all that is in my heart. My wife is made of gold.* I will tell you about her someday. I have no intention of going anywhere. If my wife has not given up on me all these years, then I will not give up either. I owe her more than that. How can you repay someone with that type of love and devotion? The only way I know is love her back with every drop of blood in my veins.

This week has been rough. I go for surgery Friday. Man, the thought of that really makes one all warm and fuzzy inside huh? I’ll try to write before then. There’s something I truly want to say before Friday. I’ll try.

Until then…hang in there with me.


“My Mind”

My Identity - Unveiled

My Identity - Unveiled


Years ago I set up a Facebook account under my real name. I loved this account! I was able to connect with friends and relatives I have not heard from in years, and it allowed me to be "friends" with terrific people from all over the world. I guess you could say this account is the "good" side of me. I do not discuss politics, religion or such, but rather share my passion of beautiful, stunning, rare and wonderful photographs and quotes of all kinds. I have over 1200 photographs in albums entitled:

Wall Photos - 225

Love and Friendship - 200

Love and Friendship II - 110

Wildlife - 198

Wildlife II - 158

Arizona; Native Americans; Old West - 200

Arizona; Native Americans; Old West II - 120

There are many more. Of course I have my eagles, my favorite of all! No surprise there huh?

In 2010 I started this blog. I had never set up a website in my life so this was new to me. As green as they come, instead of a short, to the point, easy to search blog address I chose: two-lives-one-mind.blogspot.com. At this point in my life it was perfect for me because if you compared this blog with the Facebook account bearing my name, I was two totally different people.

I had just started this blog when in August 22, 2010 I wrote a piece entitled "Who Should I Tell".  Several times in this blog I have mentioned why I have used a "pen name" instead of my real name. Some see it different than me, and I guess that's what makes the world go around. If you could read it, it will help you follow where I am going with this and save me a lot of time.

Ok, try to stay with me here:

The Facebook account under my real name and this blog was going at a normal pace while doing research on this dreadful illness I noticed hundreds of websites, groups, organizations and causes on Facebook that I wanted to be a part of. Obviously, I did not want it to be tied to the real me so I started a Facebook account under the name "Eagle Mind" {Notice the first picture on the top right of this blog}. Eagle Mind allowed me to combine the best of both worlds - the normal family man (as must as possible) who is filled with love, passion, friendship, and humor - with the manic-depressive person that is also able to belong to many bipolar groups; post comments on their walls; send words of encouragement to others and share my blog.

Then, not too long ago, I signed up with other social network groups -some under Google - when I get an email from Google that Eagle Mind - or My Mind -(Ok, even I get confused of my identity from time to time :) "does not fall within their Names Policy" and if I did not comply to their names policy, my Google + account, email, and possibly any account I have with Google will be suspended in four days. Guess who hosts this blog? Yep you got it. So, on Google + I changed the name to my real name with the hope that my "nickname" I entered (Eagle Mind) will be used. Nope! There was my name loud and clear.

I signed onto this blog and to my surprise; Google automatically added my real name to every page I had ever written on this blog! Oh, well...now you all have my name.

As I write this, I have mixed feelings. But as long as Facebook allows me to use Eagle Mind, I encourage you to be my friend there and see a different side of me. I am in the middle of transferring hundreds of photos onto that site. But don't forget the real reason why "Eagle Mind" was set up in the first place.

By the way, at the bottom of each page I publish here I will sign like I always have done, because my friend, "My Mind" for the most part, controls my life.

""My Mind"

Lack of Writing - An Update:

When I logged into this blog I had no idea what I was going to write, and as I type this I still do not have a clear-cut outline or idea where this will go. At this time, I have no title for this, so I will try to name it after I am finished.

I entered the New Year optimistic that 2012 would be MY year. I do not believe in the typical "New Year resolutions", but I did had personal goals, dreams and plans of what this year would bring, and where I would hope to be when I reach the end of December. However, January was still young when personal problems came pouring in.

My mom, whom you read about, became and still is very ill. She has been in the hospital, rehab, and back in the hospital several times. In addition to the mental illness she faces, her health has changed overnight. The very strong 74 year old mother who up until a year or so ago would briskly walk an easy 5 miles a day, has developed heart problems; trouble with her knee; extremely and dangerously high blood pressure that no doctor or medication has yet been able to control; and now with only the one kidney she has, they suspect it is going south also.

Then, in the middle of this, I have been to medical specialists also. It looks like I am paying the price of the wonderful years of living under the beautiful, hot, southwest sun and skin cancer, once again has developed and I will have to undergo surgery.*

All the above, as you can imagine, has been a challenge to keep my unpredictable manic-depressive - moody, extremely depressed, mania, irritable, angry, dangerous mind… under control. Not writing for a while did not help either. It was just too difficult for me and… this obviously adds to the depression. I have come to realize that dealing with this “mental” illness; worried and trying to help mom; and scheduling and worrying about the upcoming surgery, there is no doubt why I feel as though I am in the center of a ferocious circle of problems - each one magnifying the other until I feel, mentally, it is impossible to handle them all.

There have been so many things I have wanted to write about and I will...as soon as I can. At least I hope you understand, and will "hang in there with me" until I am able to write more.

"Manic-depressive illness is an inherited vulnerability to a disease that can manifest itself in a wide range of fluctuating emotional states, behaviors, thinking patterns and styles, and energy levels. Heightened passions and partial derangement of the senses tend to come and go."

Kay Redfield Jamison

"Touched With Fire"

Bless you all,

"My Mind"

Mental Obscurity:

I am sorry it has been awhile since wrote anything. As if the continuous battle that rages in my mind is not enough, many other things involving family and my health joins forces against me and at times - the ever present symptoms of my illness - leaves me wandering if I am equipped enough to fight this battle. If it were an earlier time in my life I would most assuredly have surrendered by now. With everything going on, writing was virtually impossible. Some people in my situation can, but I find it very difficult.

I often think back of the poets, writers and artists who many years ago battled the same condition I am in, and now, just for a fleeting second can relate to how they wanted so badly...and some did...go off the medicine because the miss the "highs" when they were the most creative. As my condition changes, the mild highs come very quickly, and disappear almost as fast as they can and then the grey, mood sweeps in. In between the mixed state is constant; never knowing what I will feel from one second to the next.

One must remember that in the last twenty years or so this illness has drawn more and more attention, but it is not a disease that has just recently came upon us. As far back as 1751 Richard Mead wrote:

"Medical writers distinguish two kinds of Madness, and describe them both as a constant disorder of the mind without any considerable fever, but with this difference, that the one is attended with audaciousness and fury, the other with sadness and fear: and that they call mania, this melancholy. But these generally differ in degree only. For melancholy very frequently changes, sooner or later, into maniacal madness; and, when the fury is abated, the sadness generally returns heavier than before."

It seems Mead might have been talking about me when he wrote that. There are many things I want to write about, and I will, when I can. In the meantime, I am trying to..."hang in there."

"My Mind"