I just wanted to stop by for a minute to tell you what I am working on. It is taking me awhile because it will be long, but for the most part as I go back in time I am picturing and the entire painful process all over again.
This true story of what I had to face when we had no choice but to have our mother committed to a mental hospital from the beginning to where we are now. It was an awful experience, one that we did not have much choice, but I don't think I could go through it again.
Most people do not have an idea what happens. Ours was worse because of her situation. I hope you will be patient will me. This is one of the hardest I attempted to write.
Bless you..be back soon.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Update On My Situation
Daydreaming in itself is not bad: 1) As long as as it does not consume your life; 2) They are not bad daydreams that does harm to oneself or anyone else. Several severe cases of Bipolar-schizophrenia people especially with suicide victims or murders have been linked to constant "daydreaming" -planning on how they are going to carry out the act.
My daydreams are kind of like the picture here. I am constantly in another place, perhaps another time. In my mind there is nothing I "have to do" or any problems whatsoever, just total peace. However, one sign that bothers me and especially my doctor is in my mind, I have almost no interaction with anyone at all. I guess in my real life I am leaning toward that direction because I have no "friends"at all and I really only speak to someone unless I have to. I am talking even when my brothers or mother calls, I get upset because they are interrupting my thoughts, or I just don't feel like talking to someone at that given moment, which is basically all the time. An example is couple pages before this one I was writing and my brother called. Thinking it was important I answered. Just that alone ruined the rest of my day! My mood went from so-so to horrible and continued until I went to sleep.
This is how I start my day. I am a coffee addict. My family knows I do not want to talk to anyone, especially until after I have my coffee in the mornings. So, I go to the same, quiet, place every morning almost 365 days a year. There, I walk up to the counter, they know me, we do not speak, I lay the same amount on the counter and they hand me the coffee and I sit in my same spot every morning (God forbid someone is sitting at my table!). This happens every morning. If, by any chance an acquaintance (not a friend because remember I have none) comes in and sits at my table then once again, my entire day is ruined.
A couple of days ago I went in for my normal doctor visit. We discussed this, and the problem that my memory, especially short term is horrible. She is worried so in a couple of weeks I am going to a clinic for a Neuropsychological Evaluation and other kinds of tests she did not explain. With small breaks, this will take about 4-6 hours, depending on how well I do.
I know what my doctor is afraid of, and seriously to be honest with you I think about it a lot is this: If eventually my mind desires or requires that other life, it will find a way to make that happen. As you can imagine this can take happen in many ways.
It effects my writing big time. But another thing that hurts my writing is I only have a very short amount of time each day. If I had more time I could write better, and plan it out so it would not only be easier for you to follow along, but it would flow better. Another thing is once I am ready and feel up to writing, I cannot stop until I publish it. I just can't. This hurts my topic, wording, and the entire outline of the page, I am so sorry but I cannot help it. When my mind is able to write I'd better get it down as soon as I can because I don 't know when I will finish. The time in between posts is NOT because I am planning the next page, it's because I just am not able to write. Once I am, I'd better get it done as quick as I can, I hope and trust you understand.
I want to give you more. You who faithfully read this deserve more and for that, once again I am sorry.
Talk to you soon...
"My Mind"
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
About the Author
Listen to the below video as you read this. When you are done, watch the scenes and then, in our own way we can then listen to it together because I am listening to it as I write this. It is so soothing to me!
If you really want to know about the Author of this blog, this song, and the tranquility of the video is what I am! Oh, if you only knew! More than I would like to admit this is where I hide. I hide in my music, and in my daydreams, anywhere other than where I am at the time. My daydreams are so real to me! I can watch the above and almost smell the freshness in the air. I can feel the cool sand as I walk along the beech and let the waves cover my feet. I am laying on the beech for hours. My mind is so relaxed, nothing of any pressure comes in; no day-to-day worries that always seem to be magnified by my condition; my mind is so relaxed I feel the pressure and the release slowly disappear. The major and serious symptoms that caused me to this point is slowly fading away.
And we wander why suicide is so common with Bipolar 1? There has to be a release somewhere...whatever that may be, it has to happen! Some find the release in drugs, suicide, and yes, much worse. After over eight years of treatment; going through 3 doctors before I found the one that really does help me, my release is what you are listening to and watching right now. Eight years of treatment and combination of medicine and dosage that will at least help me 'get by'. Now, as you can see I have found other avenues of release that works for me, even though at times I wish I didn't have to 'come back'. We all are different but what keeps me going is God and my family. Without that, I would want to never come out of the scene you are now watching.
A movie star just reported she has Bipolar and is depressed. Looking back and seeing the signs of my life I have lived with "depression" when I was fifteen years old, and the rest of years (more than thirty :) has been slowly building steam to where it was eight years ago and where I am today. Depression? I wish that is all I had.
Anyway, I'll listen to this song once more before I hit the publish button. Just wanted to share a thought with you, and anyone else who can relate to what I am talking about. I want treatment, I am being treated, and I want to be with my family forever. But once in awhile, I will disappear into something like this video. It feels so good! If you are like me, I hope you find a release like this one that helps, and does not hurt.
~~We need it.
"My Mind"
Kenny G-Songbird
If you really want to know about the Author of this blog, this song, and the tranquility of the video is what I am! Oh, if you only knew! More than I would like to admit this is where I hide. I hide in my music, and in my daydreams, anywhere other than where I am at the time. My daydreams are so real to me! I can watch the above and almost smell the freshness in the air. I can feel the cool sand as I walk along the beech and let the waves cover my feet. I am laying on the beech for hours. My mind is so relaxed, nothing of any pressure comes in; no day-to-day worries that always seem to be magnified by my condition; my mind is so relaxed I feel the pressure and the release slowly disappear. The major and serious symptoms that caused me to this point is slowly fading away.
And we wander why suicide is so common with Bipolar 1? There has to be a release somewhere...whatever that may be, it has to happen! Some find the release in drugs, suicide, and yes, much worse. After over eight years of treatment; going through 3 doctors before I found the one that really does help me, my release is what you are listening to and watching right now. Eight years of treatment and combination of medicine and dosage that will at least help me 'get by'. Now, as you can see I have found other avenues of release that works for me, even though at times I wish I didn't have to 'come back'. We all are different but what keeps me going is God and my family. Without that, I would want to never come out of the scene you are now watching.
A movie star just reported she has Bipolar and is depressed. Looking back and seeing the signs of my life I have lived with "depression" when I was fifteen years old, and the rest of years (more than thirty :) has been slowly building steam to where it was eight years ago and where I am today. Depression? I wish that is all I had.
Anyway, I'll listen to this song once more before I hit the publish button. Just wanted to share a thought with you, and anyone else who can relate to what I am talking about. I want treatment, I am being treated, and I want to be with my family forever. But once in awhile, I will disappear into something like this video. It feels so good! If you are like me, I hope you find a release like this one that helps, and does not hurt.
~~We need it.
"My Mind"
Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity.
The BAD part of writing a blog and having Major Bipolar is it is impossible to “stay on tract.” My mind plans out topics in sequence and then I cannot control it and it goes onto a different subject. This is not fair because I am not true to my readers. They expect one thing and I throw them a curve. The GOOD part is it is MY blog. I am not being paid to write it so I can write wherever my mind goes.
In the May 26th addition of WSJ there was an article about Jared Laughner, the man who shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and 18 others leaving 6 people dead has been declared mentally unfit to stand trial. In other words: “Not guilty by reason of insanity.” Laughner was evaluated my two mental-health experts whose findings were that he was not able to understand the charges against him nor aid his attorneys in his defense.
The law varies from state to state, but in most courts that recognize the "insanity defense," someone is found to be legally insane if he or she meets one of three conditions (Partial list):
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant did not understand that what he or she was doing was illegal.
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant did not know what he or she was doing.
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant was compelled to commit the crime by an irresistible force.
Insanity: “Insanity is a legal term pertaining to a defendant's ability to determine right from wrong when a crime is committed. The short version of Law.Com is: Insanity. n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.” Insanity though does nothing to define the true mental condition of the persons mental illness such as schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders (and I will wage about 80% that when this is over, Bipolar will be mentioned later in this case somewhere.)
However, the issue at hand is: If Laughner refuses treatment or medication can the Federal Government force him to take medication. Personally I am not a lawyer so I don’t know how it is from state-to-state, but in my state…you can. I know because of a personal experience of a family member of mine, but that will be another story…I think.
Ok, compared to hundreds of murderers, especially brutal and horrific serial killers, how can they ALL NOT be insane? I will copy direct excerpts from Wikipeda Encylycopdia on two Serial Killers found not guilty by reason of insanity.
The law varies from state to state, but in most courts that recognize the "insanity defense," someone is found to be legally insane if he or she meets one of three conditions (Partial list):
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant did not understand that what he or she was doing was illegal.
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant did not know what he or she was doing.
* Because of a mental disorder, the defendant was compelled to commit the crime by an irresistible force.
Insanity: “Insanity is a legal term pertaining to a defendant's ability to determine right from wrong when a crime is committed. The short version of Law.Com is: Insanity. n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.” Insanity though does nothing to define the true mental condition of the persons mental illness such as schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders (and I will wage about 80% that when this is over, Bipolar will be mentioned later in this case somewhere.)
However, the issue at hand is: If Laughner refuses treatment or medication can the Federal Government force him to take medication. Personally I am not a lawyer so I don’t know how it is from state-to-state, but in my state…you can. I know because of a personal experience of a family member of mine, but that will be another story…I think.
Ok, compared to hundreds of murderers, especially brutal and horrific serial killers, how can they ALL NOT be insane? I will copy direct excerpts from Wikipeda Encylycopdia on two Serial Killers found not guilty by reason of insanity.
“Jane Toppan: In 1901-02, after she was in custody, Jane Toppan confessed to dozens of murders. She was extremely dangerous and more than a little unhinged: she would spend the rest of her life at Taunton State Hospital, dying in 1938 at the age of 81. Her killing spree started in 1885, when she was training to be a nurse. She took to experimenting with patients, using different combinations of medicines and chemicals to tweak their nervous systems and slide them between life and death. She also later admitted to being aroused by the process of killing. Toppan got away with her deeds for a while, especially when she entered private practice, after which she started racking up more victims by killing her landlords and later her foster sister. After killing an elderly man named Alden Davis and two of his daughters, the Davis family requested a toxicology investigation, which turned up traces of the poison Toppan had used. She was eventually charged with multiple murders, but she was found not guilty and declared insane.”
“Peter Woodcock brutally murdered three young children in 1956 and 1957. Woodcock was apprehended for the murders in 1957, found not guilty by reason of insanity, and placed in Oak Ridge, an Ontario psychiatric facility located in Penetanguishene. Following the completion of a treatment program for Woodcock and other psychopathic individuals, he was deemed greatly improved, and sent to a medium-security hospital in Brockville, Ontario in 1991. There, Woodcock claims, he fell in love with fellow psychiatric patient Dennis Kerr, who rejected his sexual advances. During the first hour of his very first weekend pass in thirty-five years, Woodcock stabbed Kerr to death. Woodcock was being supervised on the pass by Bruce Hamill, a former patient who killed an elderly Ottawa woman in 1977. Hamill was an accomplice in the Brockville murder, and both men were subsequently returned to Oak Ridge. Woodcock has told how the treatment program served only to make him more adept at manipulating others. Having spent the majority of his fifty-three years in custody at Oak Ridge, Woodcock died there on March 5, 2010, his 71st birthday.”
Ok, what about a serial killer believed to have bipolar and found “GUILTY”
“In 1977 Robert Christian Hansen was arrested and spent five years in prison. After a customary mental evaluation, a prison psychiatrist concluded that Hansen suffered from "bipolar-effective disorder" and requested that the courts order him to take lithium to control his mood swings. Regardless, the order was never enforced and Hansen was released after serving just one year. Later, Hansen led investigators to each grave site, heavily covered in snow, and they would mark the trees with orange paint. By the end of the day Hansen had revealed the grave sites of 12 unknown women. On February 27, Superior Court Judge Ralph E. Moody sentenced Hansen to 461 years plus life, without chance of parole. He was then remanded to Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary in Pennsylvania.”
Friends here is my point. The above sick individuals are nothing compared to the ones I have on file. In your wildest imagination you could not come close to the stories of hundreds of serial killers and what the did to their victims. It would make you so sick you would have nightmares for weeks. The 3 listed above is nothing! So what should the punishment be? Prison? Death Penalty? Mental Institution? Or give them the treatment they gave their victims? All I am saying as someone who was (is?) diagnosed as Bipolar 1-serious manic depression - there is no way in the world you could convince me any serial killers are sane! NO SANE PERSON COULD DO WHAT THEY DID! Ok, so what should we do with them? I have my ideas, but I will leave them to myself.
I know, this page in my blog is unlike what I ever wrote before but no one can convince me in a million years that someone “sane” can willfully, plan out, enjoy, get excited and gratification on each and every victim and be sane. I just had to get this off my chest...sorry...mind.
I know, this page in my blog is unlike what I ever wrote before but no one can convince me in a million years that someone “sane” can willfully, plan out, enjoy, get excited and gratification on each and every victim and be sane. I just had to get this off my chest...sorry...mind.
This is my blog…
Laughner will either spend the rest of his life in a U.S. Medical Center for Federal Prisoners, or later if the doctors decide after treatment and/or medication he is competent he will go to trial and could get the death penalty.
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