Sunday, September 11, 2011

* Repost * - Where I was on September 11, 2001 (9/11

I posted this last year on this date. It is hard for me to believe that another year has come and gone. The realazation has just come over me I am in a different condition then a year ago, but none for the better.

Just for a little background, while the world watched in fear our Great Nation being under attack, my mind was under attack from a dreadful illness known as Bipolar I. Tears streamed down my face, NOT because of what what happening to my beloved Country, because I was at the end. Looking back now, I realize that I was within a heartbeat of life - or suicide. I was so close!


Today all across this great country millions of Americans are reflecting what they were doing when our country was under attack by terrorist. Where were you and what was you doing the moment the news spread?

I remember all to well where I was. I was in a two room office in the downtown area of the small city where I live. Although the city is dwarfed by a major city across a river it is one of those towns that is built of character. Narrow streets downtown where buildings and business date back to the early 1900"s. There are many old stately churches all around the town, and looking back I remember now that all at once all the church bells were ringing non-stop.

I was alone on the second floor of the offices I leased. The main door downstairs that led to my office was locked so no one could come up from the street. Even the door that led to my office from the hallway was locked all morning. The phones that rang throughout the day went unanswered. Throughout the office all the lights were off. My emails that were waiting for me were sitting there unopened. Papers that came over on the fax machine were still there from the night before, not even touched. What was I doing?

I was curled up in a fetal position in the corner on a mat I placed because of the many hours I spent there; some working and some as a quiet haven where I could be alone. A blanket was over my shoulders. Sad, lonely music played on the stereo. I laid there thinking about my life, the mistakes I made, all the times I failed, how awful I was as a child how disappointing I was as a father, parent and provider. Whether any of this was actually true made no difference to me because in my mind it was true. My mind was telling me what's the use of going on because the future was going to be the same as the past. I was not thinking of the terrific supportive wife and children that I was so blessed with because that and God was the most positive thing in my life! I did not, just could not even if I wanted to, dwell on the positive, I fed on all the negative my mind could come up with.

If you could believe this, that was not even the darkest point in my life. It was several months to maybe a year before with the encouragement of my family, and me knowing that I needed help or the ultimate would happen that I walked into the doctors off and was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 (Manic Depression).

That was where I was on 9/11. Where were you and what were you doing?

"My Mind"

1 comment:

  1. i was with my daughter who has scince passed away from leukemia when 9/11 happen she came and told me what was going on ,we live in australia ,it has being 10 yrs scince she died this dec 15 ,and my life dealing with my son who has not being diagnosed as manic or bipolar ,but i know somethings is wrong with him,hes very good at manipulating people around him ,to get out of getting the help he needs and every body else is to blame for everything it is never him.last night he had an episode ,its all to much for me as he and hes patner and 3 children live with me and my husband ,i try and talk to him i get nowhere,
    i feel like i want to kick him out on the streets so we can experience normal and not have the pressure,but i cant do that as hes a diabetic and has cealiac desease he has to many issues to many problems he makes everything worse hes 35 and stubborn and sometimes feel like a burden to everybody.
    he takes no notice of hes 3 children and hes partner left the bedroom 3 yrs ago,he seems to have what i call tantrums ,if he dosent get hes own way hes often scary and violent .he refuses to get help .
    but i know he has some sort of mental disorder...its a sad life trying to cope
    i enjoyed reading ur blog


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