Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"Someone always has it worse than me"

The last couple of days, I have been hearing about different people that is going through so much turmoil, hardships and serious illnesses. People I have talked to have relatives that has brain tumors; cancer that is spreading through their body; and then I hear from our church of a family in a different country that just had their little boy kidnapped for money. Oh how my heart bled when I heard the kidnappers let them talk to the little boy! What that family must be going through!

The point I'm trying to make is this: Years ago my Dad said "Son, you may have it real bad, and it may even get worse, but remember, someone out there has it harder than you." That is so very true.

I hear of that little boy taken away from his dear family - and I think of my little girl this very minute in her bed asleep-safe.

There of thousands of people, including women and little children without a place to stay, living on the streets - and I look now and see the roof over my head and a soft bed waiting.

There are thousands upon thousands of AMERICANS going hungry and not knowing where their next meal will be coming from - and I think of the dinner I just had!

Somewhere at this very minute there is a child or women being abused..oh God please help me...just thinking about this drive me insane!

I have read what I have written so far in this blog and I feel so bad. Please understand me when I say that I KNOW there are millions of people who's life is much worse than mine! I am not saying 'pity me', but trying to make people aware of what Bipolar is and how it affects a person. This is my life. Bipolar is what is effecting me now, and I realize someday God forbid, something like the above should happen to me. But now, I happen to have a serious illness called Bipolar 1.

Realizing all the above, I will continue to tell my story. Some of the later posts will be much more in detail of years before I finally reached out for help; details (if I can..I don't know) of the last months before I started being treated; I will provide actual cases of how serious Biplar can be including suicide and murder--some people behind bars that you may have heard about; trying to get you to understand Bipolar is not just about being a little depressed. I will try to give information about what has helped me. All the links on this blog will help you tremendiously.

So as I write this blog, it is not meant to imply that I have it worse than the next person, BUT this what controlls my entire life.

Friends, remember as you read this blog that I am a very private person and it's difficult for me to come out of my shell. I am also no doubt the worst writer you will ever read. But if this helps one person who is suffering, or someone who will understand enough to help a friend or loved one seek help, then it will be worth it.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

A Few Days Later...

In the short time this blog started, this is the longest I have gone without writing. I am sorry. I sat at the keyboard many times but could not get the right words to flow from my mind to the screen. The last episode I had really drained me.

Whether it is associated to Bipolar or not, I have to analyze everything. (I am even analyzing this!). So, I have been trying to come up with an answer as to why sometimes it is so difficult to write.Then I remember I am trying to talk to three different types of people. (As listed in the About This Blog Section.)

First, I am writing to those who have bipolar to one degree or another. This group would be a piece of cake. I could write a simple sentence, or even tag words and they would know what I am talking about and could relate to it.

Second a little harder, I am trying to reach those who may think they have Bipolar, or may know someone who has Bipolar. I want them to hear not only the symptoms, but how it affects someone first hand.

The final group is those who may be interested about Bipolar but has never seen or witnessed the symptoms, or felt the mental pain that we deal with daily. I am finding of all the above, the final group is the type that totally drains me mentally. You see, how can I possibly put into words what goes through my mind 24/7 365 days a year. My thoughts and feelings can, and do change from one second to the next. You just cannot explain it. Professionals try to, and they might hit the target, but do not even come close to the bulls eye..

But I want to talk to all of you. And I will always try.

The last episode lasted 2 days, with a winding down stage. Then came what usually happens before or after a bad depression: a boost of energy, high spirits, but most importantly and very difficult to handle is racing thoughts. I don't mean just rapid thoughts but millions of subjects and ideas hitting the brain all at once. It sounds like it could be very interesting or even constructive as all the things flood my mind at once. Sometimes it is. But most of the time it is a handicap when my mouth will not keep up with my mind. My wife, in her joking but very helpful way tells me to s l o w - d o w n. I change the subject at the drop of the hat. I start talking and nothing comes out but a garbled mess, because I mouth cannot keep up with the millions of bytes of info it's trying to process. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed waiting for my mind to slow down. Eventually it did.

Now, take the horrible depression a few days ago, add that to the day where my mind was a computer chip processing billions of bytes of information at once that left me totally drained, and then try to continue with "life as normal" to people you come in contact with on a day to day basis. Stop and think about that for a second. Going through either of the above and you meet someone you have not seen in awhile, and you try act normal. Impossible?

That's the topic of the next post. Until then....

dicap. I try

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Very Depressed

Trust me this was not what I had planned for the next page, but the only thing I can write is how I feel today. I just have a couple of minutes so I will make this quick.

I got up doing just fine. I took my medicine, and as usual did what I love to do and that is going down to my favorite place and sip coffee, write, and just let my mind wander. Then slowly, things changed. I've tried to come up with anything that caused this, but nothing happened that could trigger what is happening to me now.

Slowly, very slowly I started becoming depressed. As I write it is getting worse. How do I describe to it. How do I explain what is going through my mind so you will understand. I'll do my best.

At this very moment, I am doing all I can do to not cry. So very badly, i want to go to bed, curl up in a ball, turn the lights off and take something to make me sleep. I want to sleep until my mind tells me it's passed and I am back to normal, no matter how long that takes. I don't want to see or speak to anyone. I just want to be alone. As I type I am listening to sad music like Loretta Lynn "Before I'm over you"; Billie Jo Spears "Misty Blue"; and "In The Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin; "Don't You Ever Get Tired of Hurting Me?" by Ray Price, and so on. I am feeding off of more depression. If the phone rings, i will not answer it. I have so many things to plan for the next couple of days, but I cannot think about it or make any decisions. I don't want to. I soon have to go to work and even the thought of it is almost unbearable. There I will have to talk to everyone in the office; answer the phones which will ring almost 75 times tonight. How can I do this and feel like I mentioned above? I don't want to! I want to be alone and lie down until this passes! How long will it last? I don't know.

Why do I get this way? I look above and none of that really describes all that I feel. I can't because there is no words to describe it. Every "I" that I just typed was in small case. Just did a spell check and there were 18 mistakes. Why, oh why can't I be normal??? Just thinking about that, knowing I'm not, makes me even more depressed.

I have to go. God please help me....

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Who Should I Tell?

As I hinted to in the page "About This Blog" I was wandering how writing about Bipolar and my Life would affect me. I have not written much so far, but I can tell that already that this is not going to be as easy as I thought. Some memories and a little pain came to the surface that I have not thought about for a long time.

You see, I just don't talk about it. There is only a handful of very close family that even knows what is wrong with me. They became aware back when I was at the cross roads of life and death. But then there's my wife. She knows and she is the only person that I talk to. She is the one who stood by me all the way, and to this day continues to support me, and when I am have a real bad couple of days she let's me have my space. For that, I could devote this entire blog on her. I will in more detail later on.

I just want to talk a little bit and give my mind a little time to calm down after the last post.

I read other blogs and this subject varied from person to person as night and day. Some even openly discuss it to people they just met. Hey, I guess if that makes them feel better, then go for it. But how in the world does this topic come up with people you hardly know? "Hey, by the way I'm Bipolar!" I mean other than scaring the pants off them what purpose does it serve? I wander if they also add "I just wanted you to know in case all of a sudden I start shaking, crying, curling up in a fetal position and thinking of ways of killing myself."

I am not saying that people around me does not wander sometimes what's wrong with me. I know they do. I am also not saying that I mask it very well in public all the time either. Trust me, the mean side has come out from time to time. The deep depression has come upon me suddenly and unexpectedly and I know people around me wander what is wrong.

The way I feel is this: If I tell, say a coworker, then every move I make, every thing that happens to me, all my actions, speech, and moods will ring a bell "Oh yeah, he's Bipolar." I mean, if a friend of yours was to run into you and he/she was not a bubbly cheerful normal, does any major alarms go off?

There are so many misconceptions of Bipolar as it is. It seems to be a fad now "He must be Bipolar." Give me a break. They don't even know what it means. Sure, I have ears, and I hear what is said about someone with Bipolar. Over and over I hear the words... "crazy; psycho; nutcase" or even make the comment "that person could go postal and kill everyone at any given moment." Well, to be honest with you I was not thinking about it until you brought it up.

My mind is racing a million times a minute right now, and it's getting so tired. There are so many things I just said in this posts that no doubt I will go into further detail later. But seriously though, I have enough trouble as it is, I really don't need a sign across my chest.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I just wanted to share with you some of the symptoms that a person with Bipolar 1 experiences as published by Every Day Health @ http://www.everydayhealth.com/

Bipolar systems are broke down into three types: 1-2-3. The most serious is Bipolar 1. The below is a list of some systems of Bipolar 1:
During the manic phase, symptoms can include:
  • High level of energy and activity
  • Irritable mood
  • Decreased need for sleep
  • Exaggerated, puffed-up self-esteem ("grandiosity")
  • Rapid or "pressured" speech
  • Rapid thoughts
  • Tendency to be easily distracted
  • Increased recklessness
  • False beliefs (delusions) or false perceptions (hallucinations)
During elated moods, a person may have delusions of grandeur, while irritable moods are often accompanied by paranoid or suspicious feelings.

During a depressive period, symptoms may include:
  •  Distinctly low or irritable mood
  • Loss of interest or pleasure
  • Eating more or less than normal
  • Gaining or losing weight
  • Sleeping more or less than normal
  • Appearing slowed or agitated
  • Fatigue and loss of energy
  • Feeling worthless or guilty
  • Poor concentration
  • Indecisiveness
  • Thoughts of death, suicide attempts or plans
Their are other traits of Bipolar 1 that is not listed here. What I have found is that depending on which website you go to, the symptoms they list differ from site to site. While most I found had the above symptoms listed, they did not include the entire list, just a few. This site was the most accurate. However, in today's world,  psychologist (including mine) has added another symptom that is in my opinion far worse that the above, including suicide: Hurting others or Homicide.

I will discuss later how I came to the point of being diagnosed as having Bipolar 1 (Above) but for now I will tell you that when I was at the bottom of the horrifying black pit; a scary place that I hope and pray I will never again return, and before I started receiving any type of treatment, of the 20 symptoms listed above I was experiencing 18 - and ALL AT THE SAME TIME!. Then, there are still at least 3 more symptoms not listed above that was demons in my life. Even now after years of treatment there are days when many will surface all at once unexpectedly.

As I write this closing page, every day of my life, day after day, there are some that just will not go away. I don't like it, Oh! how I wish I could change it! But I can't...