Monday, December 26, 2011

Part 2: The "Unspeakable" Words: - CHILD ABUSE

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them"

Richard L. Evans

I want to talk to you, a friend, a little now because I know I will not be in any condition at this end of this. I'd like to say "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart to those of you who dropped me a little note of encouragement either by email, Face Book (Eagle Mind) or on various Bipolar groups and social networks I belong regarding my condition. Those words meant more to me than you will ever know!

I believe that is what all this is about - we share a common "demon" that only we can relate to. I totally admire and respect psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist and therapists and all the specialists who have devoted their practice and lives to make us better and continually try to find a cure, but it is you and I who lives with this nightmare day and night, and we alone know what we go through. This is why it is so important that we help each other -lifting each other up - with just a note of encouragement from time to time.

I made a commitment that I was going to write about a subject that even under normal mental conditions tears my heart out. As my condition continued to get worse, this is almost impossible for me to write. This horrible subject of "child abuse" has always been a sharp pain in my heart. It has been a long time since I first mentioned to you I was going to write about it, so you can tell I had trouble with this. Now, as I allow myself to dwell on it, a sudden rush of sorrow; pity; pain; and major depression slowly builds into a uncontrollable rage that if I do not force myself to change my thoughts, I truly feel what little sanity I have left will explode. "Then why put yourself through it?" I have been asked. I can only say...I just cannot be quiet. Something inside will not rest until I get this out. It burns within my soul.

"What does this subject have to do with Bipolar, and how will it help me?" To start with, it is written by someone who has bipolar I. This illness can reach down and pull from the heart something that one fills passionate about and magnify it one hundred times until it becomes an obsession. Also, when I first published this website, my goal was to try to tell my story, and include whatever I can to the best of my ability to help someone, anyone, even if it just one person. And finally, bipolar is a mental illness, and as you will find out, this subject has mental illness written all over it.

There are thousands of articles, websites, blogs, and organizations that have written about child abuse, so I am well aware I probably do not have anything new to add regarding basic information and statics. However, there may by a slight chance I may add something here you were not aware of, but most of all, I think maybe using my illness and the ability to draw upon my deepest, darkest feelings, it may bring to light this awful subject from a different point of view. I will share couple of stories with you that will make your stomach churn. In my state of mind I hope, I Pray, I can bring this to you through my eyes. I trust when you are finished reading, you will have just a glimpse of how my heart goes out to all the little ones who never had a chance to know what "real" life is. Whatever pain I may feel here is like a drop in the ocean compared to their pain, mentally and physically. Death, in some cases, is the only release of pain they will ever have. They may survive and grow old, but these types of scars will not heal, and death here also will finally close the "mental" wounds.

ABUSE: I hate that word! For me, there is not list a word in the English language so revolting! Of all the people that breathe, I believe without a doubt child abusers are the lowest form of creatures that ever slithered on this earth. These cowards prey on those who either by strength or will, cannot fight back. Their victims are usually totally helpless, defenseless and at the mercy of one who by definition cannot relate to others as human beings, choosing instead to treat them as "objects" for whatever satisfies their own sick mind!

{Ok, I have to calm down --I am getting ahead of myself. I will get back to these abusers later}

Types of abuse:

Physical Abuse - Physical injuries is one of the most commonly observed signs of child abuse. This includes repeated hitting, beating, shaking, throwing, burning, scalding, drowning or any other forms of physical harm to a child. The child will tend to suffer more fractures than other children and bruises or marks are commonly seen or noticed on their body. All these may cause temporary or permanent disability or disfigurement to the child. In severe cases, it may lead to death too.

Sexual Abuse - Sexual abuse is one of the most disgusting and hideous ways to torture these pure and innocent children. Child sexual abuse includes engaging sexual activities with the child, displaying pornography or using the child for pornography purposes. Sexual abuse may or may not occur physical contact with the child. However, even without any physical engagement, it would have already caused the child's mind to be corrupted with these filthy thoughts, given that they are still a child.

Emotional Abuse - Emotional abuse includes words, actions, comparisons or even indifference that are always discouraging or demoralizing for the children. Emotional abuse often results in impaired psychological growth and development. The children are often rejected, ignored, belittled or even criticized by the abusers. This may occur with or without physical abuse; however, there is often an overlap. For instance, unreasonable demands on a child's performance and penalizing a child for positive behavior are forms of emotional child abuse. Any individual who is under prolonged emotional abuse often loses self-confidence and suffers from low self-esteem. Similarly, development of the abused children is often affected in terms of social, cognitive and psychological behavior. Unfortunately, it is detrimental and long-lasting.

Verbal Abuse - Verbal abuse happens when the child is being yelled at or scolded or even humiliated using harsh words. The verbally abused child may develop negative behavior, physical aggression and misbehaving at a higher rate when they are compared to others. In some cases, when they are agitated by the comparisons or comments made by the abusers, they may hit or quarrel with other children or classmates. When the child is constantly abused verbally, the child may become self-destructive and depressed and do things that may harm them.

Neglect - Neglect is a type of abuse where the child is not well taken care of. This includes parents or caregivers paying little or no attention to the child or basic requirements are not fulfilled. Basic requirements like food, proper clothing, hygiene and the attention that the child needs. In most cases, these children will suffer from emotional or mental pain.

Substance Abuse - Substance abuse is also a type of child abuse where child is exposed to illegal drug activities. This includes child being drugged so that parents or caregivers are able to control him/her, using the child as a middleman to sell or distribute the illegal drug and other substances, or manufacture of a controlled substance in premises occupied by children.

Abandonment - Many people do not know that abandonment is also considered a type of child abuse. Abandonment is when the child is being left behind and the parent's identity or their whereabouts are unknown. This may cause the child to suffer from serious harm (physical or mentally). Physical harm such as improper upbringing that causes the child to be lead astray. Mental harm such as the child will be growing up without their real parent and that might make them feel inferior to other children.


In 2009*: 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

"My Christmas Wish"

    I love to watch children making their list for what they want for Christmas. It has everything you can imagine on it. See, they are smart! They know they will not get all that is on the list but they think the more they mention, there's a better chance they will get more, and it really doesn't matter because what they do get, they they are happy! I am like a child here. This is my list for Christmas. It only has two things on it, but if I just get one...I'll be happy!

1)  Because I suffer from Bipolar I,  and it consumes my life daily, it is what I concentrate on in my writing. I try to mix it up with some information and updates on my condition, hoping it will help you. One thing I found out in studying this awful illness is that what helps me the most is to read something from someone and realize I am going through that very same thing at that exact point in time! It makes me realize I am not alone. That is the problem with this disease, we sometimes feel so alone. The foundation of this blog, and my desire is this:  we all share a common "demon" that only we can relate to, and we need to be there for each other to lift each other up when one of us is down.

Some of you that know me a little by now know I never for one second think I have it worse than the next person. As bad as I have it, I know for a fact there are many who are worse off than me. There are so many other mental illnesses out there that are far worse than mine, and I wish I could find the words to stress how my heart goes out to you! You have no idea; through all my darkness and my own trials, I am thinking of you.

My wish for this Christmas is that somehow, even if it is just for this one day, you will find the Peace, Love, Joy, Comfort that you so deeply desire and deserve! I Pray instead of the fog that could come over you, the "Light" that was visible when that little child was born two-thousand years ago will shine upon you this Christmas day and take away the misery so you can feel that happiness and beauty this life has to offer. I wish this with all my heart!

2)  My next wish is this: I mentioned how we sometimes feel down and need someone to lift each other up. I could use your help. If you have read a page or article that I wrote anywhere in this blog that maybe helped you, even a little, I would appreciate it if you would drop me a line and let me know. Sometimes, even though I see the numbers of those who visit my site, I feel so alone when I am writing. If when things slow down after this holiday, you could send me an email, comment on here, or wherever you see this blog posted, that would be a treasured Christmas gift!

May He Bless you always, from the bottom of my heart!


"My Mind"

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Blog Malfunction -:(

Blew my top!!!

I was feeling under the weather today, so I thought it would be a good time to write, To my surprise, when I opened the blog...everything changed! The template design (background) was gone all all my photo's deleted! I have no idea how long it was like that. Every photo that I placed on every page I posted had a black square with a line through. I had to go back through since 2010 and recreate them.

I am looking into what happened but for those of you who visited my blog during that time I am very sorry. Over 5 hours of repairs...and no writing. Now THAT' is depressing.


"My Mind"

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"One Day At A Time"

I had another Dr appointment Monday. The good thing about the facility where I go, there is no waiting. Very professional and on time. I'd rather wait and hour, two, five - if she could pull something out of her hat and get this crazy unpredictable mind under control.

She looked at the usual form I feel out before she calls me in and sighs. We talked, mostly me - she writes - followed by a few questions, then at the end she will give me the news. "There is always many things that can trigger this big of a change, but I don't see anything personally that would justify you going from where you were all these years to this bad." The only thing she brought up was stress. My job has major, non-stop nine - twelve hours of phones, decisions, 120 emails, problems etc all night. I told her at the present time, there was no way I can change my career at this time in my life.

Since, like I mentioned before, all the medicines that I took faithfully and helped me "cope" does basically nothing. So here's what we ended up with (remember when you first start -trial and error? That's me all over again): We slowly took one away; added another but half a dose for 2 weeks then increase to full dose; changed the dose on another; and because of my hectic work schedule, changed the times I am to take them. Some morning, afternoon and night. I am on a total of four. One day soon I will go into more detail about my medication. I've tried so many, I'll compile a list and explain the best I can about them.

Still writing, or trying to write, the next one --Part 2.  Looks like it will be a much larger post than normal. While writing, thoughts come into my mind that I don't like, but at least I think I see an end in site.

"There are many reasons to believe that stressful events might bring on or worsen a psychiatric illness. If the underlying psychiatric illness or biological predisposition is sever enough, such events may play a role in suicide as well."

Kay Jamison

Be back soon. Until then...hang in there - don't give up! I have not yet, so don't you either!

"My Mind

Friday, December 2, 2011

I am Surviving...

It's after three in the morning, and I needed to write again - or I should say "publish" - because it has been awhile and I just needed to know that later a friend who can relate will read this.

I am still slowly making some progress on the "Child Abuse" page I mentioned would come. Most of it is outlined and typed, but unfortunately I cannot read, type, or edit the page except bits and pieces at a time, then I need a break. I have to get my mind off it awhile. I never thought it would affect me so bad, but now that it's in the final stages, it is something I just have to finish. There are times when I am sitting here typing and I know - for the most part - what is coming next, and it hits me. I have to stop or I feel I will go completely insane - if I am not there yet!

As I mentioned the last time I wrote to you, I had a doctors appointment. Well, let's just say that did not go very well. She is at a loss as to why I am, after all these years in the condition I am in, and I am aggravated because she does not have an answer. I see her again next Monday 5th.

I will leave you with a quote:

In its severe forms, depression paralyzes all of the otherwise vital forces that make us human, leaving instead a bleak, despairing, desperate, and deadened state. . .Life is bloodless, pulseless, and yet present enough to allow a suffocating horror and pain. All bearings are lost; all things are dark and drained of feeling. The slippage into futility is first gradual, then utter. Thought, which is as pervasively affected by depression as mood, is morbid, confused, and stuporous. It is also vacillating, ruminative, indecisive, and self-castigating. The body is bone-weary; there is no will; nothing is that is not an effort, and nothing at all seems worth it. Sleep is fragmented, elusive, or all-consuming. Like an unstable, gas, an irritable exhaustion seeps into every crevice of thought and action.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison