Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My Identity - Unveiled


My Identity - Unveiled


Years ago I set up a Facebook account under my real name. I loved this account! I was able to connect with friends and relatives I have not heard from in years, and it allowed me to be "friends" with terrific people from all over the world. I guess you could say this account is the "good" side of me. I do not discuss politics, religion or such, but rather share my passion of beautiful, stunning, rare and wonderful photographs and quotes of all kinds. I have over 1200 photographs in albums entitled:

Wall Photos - 225

Love and Friendship - 200

Love and Friendship II - 110

Wildlife - 198

Wildlife II - 158

Arizona; Native Americans; Old West - 200

Arizona; Native Americans; Old West II - 120

There are many more. Of course I have my eagles, my favorite of all! No surprise there huh?

In 2010 I started this blog. I had never set up a website in my life so this was new to me. As green as they come, instead of a short, to the point, easy to search blog address I chose: two-lives-one-mind.blogspot.com. At this point in my life it was perfect for me because if you compared this blog with the Facebook account bearing my name, I was two totally different people.

I had just started this blog when in August 22, 2010 I wrote a piece entitled "Who Should I Tell".  Several times in this blog I have mentioned why I have used a "pen name" instead of my real name. Some see it different than me, and I guess that's what makes the world go around. If you could read it, it will help you follow where I am going with this and save me a lot of time.

Ok, try to stay with me here:

The Facebook account under my real name and this blog was going at a normal pace while doing research on this dreadful illness I noticed hundreds of websites, groups, organizations and causes on Facebook that I wanted to be a part of. Obviously, I did not want it to be tied to the real me so I started a Facebook account under the name "Eagle Mind" {Notice the first picture on the top right of this blog}. Eagle Mind allowed me to combine the best of both worlds - the normal family man (as must as possible) who is filled with love, passion, friendship, and humor - with the manic-depressive person that is also able to belong to many bipolar groups; post comments on their walls; send words of encouragement to others and share my blog.

Then, not too long ago, I signed up with other social network groups -some under Google - when I get an email from Google that Eagle Mind - or My Mind -(Ok, even I get confused of my identity from time to time :) "does not fall within their Names Policy" and if I did not comply to their names policy, my Google + account, email, and possibly any account I have with Google will be suspended in four days. Guess who hosts this blog? Yep you got it. So, on Google + I changed the name to my real name with the hope that my "nickname" I entered (Eagle Mind) will be used. Nope! There was my name loud and clear.

I signed onto this blog and to my surprise; Google automatically added my real name to every page I had ever written on this blog! Oh, well...now you all have my name.

As I write this, I have mixed feelings. But as long as Facebook allows me to use Eagle Mind, I encourage you to be my friend there and see a different side of me. I am in the middle of transferring hundreds of photos onto that site. But don't forget the real reason why "Eagle Mind" was set up in the first place.

By the way, at the bottom of each page I publish here I will sign like I always have done, because my friend, "My Mind" for the most part, controls my life.

""My Mind"

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Lack of Writing - An Update:

When I logged into this blog I had no idea what I was going to write, and as I type this I still do not have a clear-cut outline or idea where this will go. At this time, I have no title for this, so I will try to name it after I am finished.

I entered the New Year optimistic that 2012 would be MY year. I do not believe in the typical "New Year resolutions", but I did had personal goals, dreams and plans of what this year would bring, and where I would hope to be when I reach the end of December. However, January was still young when personal problems came pouring in.

My mom, whom you read about, became and still is very ill. She has been in the hospital, rehab, and back in the hospital several times. In addition to the mental illness she faces, her health has changed overnight. The very strong 74 year old mother who up until a year or so ago would briskly walk an easy 5 miles a day, has developed heart problems; trouble with her knee; extremely and dangerously high blood pressure that no doctor or medication has yet been able to control; and now with only the one kidney she has, they suspect it is going south also.

Then, in the middle of this, I have been to medical specialists also. It looks like I am paying the price of the wonderful years of living under the beautiful, hot, southwest sun and skin cancer, once again has developed and I will have to undergo surgery.*

All the above, as you can imagine, has been a challenge to keep my unpredictable manic-depressive - moody, extremely depressed, mania, irritable, angry, dangerous mind… under control. Not writing for a while did not help either. It was just too difficult for me and… this obviously adds to the depression. I have come to realize that dealing with this “mental” illness; worried and trying to help mom; and scheduling and worrying about the upcoming surgery, there is no doubt why I feel as though I am in the center of a ferocious circle of problems - each one magnifying the other until I feel, mentally, it is impossible to handle them all.

There have been so many things I have wanted to write about and I will...as soon as I can. At least I hope you understand, and will "hang in there with me" until I am able to write more.

"Manic-depressive illness is an inherited vulnerability to a disease that can manifest itself in a wide range of fluctuating emotional states, behaviors, thinking patterns and styles, and energy levels. Heightened passions and partial derangement of the senses tend to come and go."

Kay Redfield Jamison
"Touched With Fire"

Bless you all,

"My Mind"

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mental Obscurity:

I am sorry it has been awhile since wrote anything. As if the continuous battle that rages in my mind is not enough, many other things involving family and my health joins forces against me and at times - the ever present symptoms of my illness - leaves me wandering if I am equipped enough to fight this battle. If it were an earlier time in my life I would most assuredly have surrendered by now. With everything going on, writing was virtually impossible. Some people in my situation can, but I find it very difficult.

I often think back of the poets, writers and artists who many years ago battled the same condition I am in, and now, just for a fleeting second can relate to how they wanted so badly...and some did...go off the medicine because the miss the "highs" when they were the most creative. As my condition changes, the mild highs come very quickly, and disappear almost as fast as they can and then the grey, mood sweeps in. In between the mixed state is constant; never knowing what I will feel from one second to the next.

One must remember that in the last twenty years or so this illness has drawn more and more attention, but it is not a disease that has just recently came upon us. As far back as 1751 Richard Mead wrote:

"Medical writers distinguish two kinds of Madness, and describe them both as a constant disorder of the mind without any considerable fever, but with this difference, that the one is attended with audaciousness and fury, the other with sadness and fear: and that they call mania, this melancholy. But these generally differ in degree only. For melancholy very frequently changes, sooner or later, into maniacal madness; and, when the fury is abated, the sadness generally returns heavier than before."

It seems Mead might have been talking about me when he wrote that. There are many things I want to write about, and I will, when I can. In the meantime, I am trying to..."hang in there."

"My Mind"