Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Very Depressed

Trust me this was not what I had planned for the next page, but the only thing I can write is how I feel today. I just have a couple of minutes so I will make this quick.

I got up doing just fine. I took my medicine, and as usual did what I love to do and that is going down to my favorite place and sip coffee, write, and just let my mind wander. Then slowly, things changed. I've tried to come up with anything that caused this, but nothing happened that could trigger what is happening to me now.

Slowly, very slowly I started becoming depressed. As I write it is getting worse. How do I describe to it. How do I explain what is going through my mind so you will understand. I'll do my best.

At this very moment, I am doing all I can do to not cry. So very badly, i want to go to bed, curl up in a ball, turn the lights off and take something to make me sleep. I want to sleep until my mind tells me it's passed and I am back to normal, no matter how long that takes. I don't want to see or speak to anyone. I just want to be alone. As I type I am listening to sad music like Loretta Lynn "Before I'm over you"; Billie Jo Spears "Misty Blue"; and "In The Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin; "Don't You Ever Get Tired of Hurting Me?" by Ray Price, and so on. I am feeding off of more depression. If the phone rings, i will not answer it. I have so many things to plan for the next couple of days, but I cannot think about it or make any decisions. I don't want to. I soon have to go to work and even the thought of it is almost unbearable. There I will have to talk to everyone in the office; answer the phones which will ring almost 75 times tonight. How can I do this and feel like I mentioned above? I don't want to! I want to be alone and lie down until this passes! How long will it last? I don't know.

Why do I get this way? I look above and none of that really describes all that I feel. I can't because there is no words to describe it. Every "I" that I just typed was in small case. Just did a spell check and there were 18 mistakes. Why, oh why can't I be normal??? Just thinking about that, knowing I'm not, makes me even more depressed.

I have to go. God please help me....

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