Sunday, August 29, 2010

A Few Days Later...

In the short time this blog started, this is the longest I have gone without writing. I am sorry. I sat at the keyboard many times but could not get the right words to flow from my mind to the screen. The last episode I had really drained me.

Whether it is associated to Bipolar or not, I have to analyze everything. (I am even analyzing this!). So, I have been trying to come up with an answer as to why sometimes it is so difficult to write.Then I remember I am trying to talk to three different types of people. (As listed in the About This Blog Section.)

First, I am writing to those who have bipolar to one degree or another. This group would be a piece of cake. I could write a simple sentence, or even tag words and they would know what I am talking about and could relate to it.

Second a little harder, I am trying to reach those who may think they have Bipolar, or may know someone who has Bipolar. I want them to hear not only the symptoms, but how it affects someone first hand.

The final group is those who may be interested about Bipolar but has never seen or witnessed the symptoms, or felt the mental pain that we deal with daily. I am finding of all the above, the final group is the type that totally drains me mentally. You see, how can I possibly put into words what goes through my mind 24/7 365 days a year. My thoughts and feelings can, and do change from one second to the next. You just cannot explain it. Professionals try to, and they might hit the target, but do not even come close to the bulls eye..

But I want to talk to all of you. And I will always try.

The last episode lasted 2 days, with a winding down stage. Then came what usually happens before or after a bad depression: a boost of energy, high spirits, but most importantly and very difficult to handle is racing thoughts. I don't mean just rapid thoughts but millions of subjects and ideas hitting the brain all at once. It sounds like it could be very interesting or even constructive as all the things flood my mind at once. Sometimes it is. But most of the time it is a handicap when my mouth will not keep up with my mind. My wife, in her joking but very helpful way tells me to s l o w - d o w n. I change the subject at the drop of the hat. I start talking and nothing comes out but a garbled mess, because I mouth cannot keep up with the millions of bytes of info it's trying to process. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed waiting for my mind to slow down. Eventually it did.

Now, take the horrible depression a few days ago, add that to the day where my mind was a computer chip processing billions of bytes of information at once that left me totally drained, and then try to continue with "life as normal" to people you come in contact with on a day to day basis. Stop and think about that for a second. Going through either of the above and you meet someone you have not seen in awhile, and you try act normal. Impossible?

That's the topic of the next post. Until then....

dicap. I try

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