Friday, September 23, 2011

Bipolar Made Another Appearance:

I am having a lot of trouble, but I am working on it. Told you before about me announcing what was coming next and how that never worked, but I still am going to do it. The question is with my frame of mind how it will turn out. It has been a rough few days for me so that does not help.

This morning, and so far into the early afternoon ranks up there pretty high in the "bad day" category. The >>manic phase << is hitting right now. But on a scale of 1 - 10 with ten being the worse I am only about a 4. So far here are the traits as I type this:

Confusion, irritability, high anger, bad thoughts feeding this anger ---immediately switching to deep depression, worthless, chest feels heavy, wanting to close door and hide---switching again---going around in a circle. My medication has done nothing for me this morning.

As you can see I am not able to write anything else. What brought this on? Is it the subject matter I have been constantly thinking about? I do not know. What I DO know is most of the time, no matter where I am, my mind is on writing, and in doing this, things that did cause severe episodes just thinking about them are floating around and around in my mind. I catch myself and force the direction of my thoughts away because I can feel the heart starting to beat faster; my breaths are shorter....

Even feeling the way I am this very minute, I have to go into the office and I will start a meeting at , then it's non-stop work until about . I have to try to concentrate. Decisions will have to be made all night. I will probably talk to over 50 or more of our employees either on the phone, or in person. It's going to be a long night. I will say a quiet Prayer for help. I'll try to find a song that makes me feel good and hum it in my mind all night...

I have to close and leave you with this quote:

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

Elizabeth Wurtzel
From Book Prozac Nation

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