Update On My Situation

If you have noticed I have been mentioning "daydreaming" a lot lately. I have since I was a little child but it has become much worse. It is constant now. When I am driving, I fail to turn where I want to because my mind wanders. When I am at home, instead of planning what I want or need to do to the yard; cars; home improvements; planning for what I am going to do on my extra day off from work; before I go to sleep at night; when ever I can at work and so on. As you can see, its basically all the time.
Daydreaming in itself is not bad: 1) As long as  as it does not consume your life; 2) They are not bad daydreams that does harm to oneself or anyone else. Several severe cases of Bipolar-schizophrenia people especially with suicide victims or murders have been linked to constant "daydreaming" -planning on how they are going to carry out the act.

My daydreams are kind of like the picture here. I am constantly in another place, perhaps another time. In my mind there is nothing I "have to do" or any problems whatsoever, just total peace. However, one sign that bothers me and especially my doctor is in my mind, I have almost no interaction with anyone at all. I guess in my real life I am leaning toward that direction because I have no "friends"at all and I really only speak to someone unless I have to. I am talking even when my brothers or mother calls, I get upset because they are interrupting my thoughts, or I just don't feel like talking to someone at that given moment, which is basically all the time. An example is couple pages before this one I was writing and my brother called. Thinking it was important I answered. Just that alone ruined the rest of my day! My mood went from so-so to horrible and continued until I went to sleep.

This is how I start my day. I am a coffee addict. My family knows I do not want to talk to anyone, especially until after I have my coffee in the mornings. So, I go to the same, quiet, place every morning almost 365 days a year. There, I walk up to the counter, they know me, we do not speak, I lay the same amount on the counter and they hand me the coffee and I sit in my same spot every morning (God forbid someone is sitting at my table!). This happens every morning. If, by any chance an acquaintance (not a friend because remember I have none) comes in and sits at my table then once again, my entire day is ruined.

A couple of days ago I went in for my normal doctor visit. We discussed this, and the problem that my memory, especially short term is horrible. She is worried so in a couple of weeks I am going to a clinic for a Neuropsychological Evaluation and other kinds of tests she did not explain. With small breaks, this will take about 4-6 hours, depending on how well I do.

I know what my doctor is afraid of, and seriously to be honest with you I think about it a lot is this: If eventually my mind desires or requires that other life, it will find a way to make that happen. As you can imagine this can take happen in many ways.

It effects my writing big time. But another thing that hurts my writing is I only have a very short amount of time each day. If I had more time I could write better, and plan it out so it would not only be easier for you to follow along, but it would flow better. Another thing is once I am ready and feel up to writing, I cannot stop until I publish it. I just can't. This hurts my topic, wording, and the entire outline of the page, I am so sorry but I cannot help it. When my mind is able to write I'd better get it down as soon as I can because I don 't know when I will finish. The time in between posts is NOT because I am planning the next page, it's because I just am not able to write. Once I am, I'd better get it done as quick as I can, I hope and trust you understand. 

I want to give you more. You who faithfully read this deserve more and for that, once again I am sorry. 

Talk to you soon...

"My Mind"