Tuesday, June 28, 2011

One Of Those Days

Today is one of those days. I don't know why. Usually it's something the first time in the morning that triggers it and really ruins my whole day. But nothing out of the ordinary happened. Maybe it was because I had an extremely stressful day at work yesterday. Who knows?

I hate these days. As I am writing this I am getting more and more down, depressed, ticked at everything for no reason. These are the days I dread the most because there is no real explanation as to why I feel this way.

You know what? As I mentioned I just completed six hours of evaluation from one of the best Psychologist in my area last week. I was referred to him because after years of treatment I have started to get worse again. My memory is fading fast. I first listed my age 9 years younger than I was. Then later in between test I thought about it embarrassed, had her change it on the form. During the break, I called my wife and told her what I had done. She said "Honey, you are not 52, you are 51. I had her change it again.

Anyway, (during these moments, I seem to ramble on) the Doctor who was charging my Insurance company $1,200 asked me what worries me the most. I thought about all I am going through, how I am suddenly getting worse then I replied (The best I can remember)

"I'll tell you what really bothers me Doctor. I have paid an enormous amount of money, that I cannot afford and you all are drain me financially, and it is about to break me, and you cannot fix me. When I had skin cancer and went through 32 treatments of radiation, we knew what the problem was, we had a plan of action, we did it, and it is now gone. You, or any other doctor don't know what is going on in my mind so you don't know how to fix it. THAT is what bothers me the most."

He sat for a minute and then he agreed. "In a way you are right. We can help you tremendously. We can help so you will not have these problems as often, but we do not have a way of getting rid of it completely. We do not have a cure."

He went on to explain "how the mind is so complex..." Trust me, I know. Other minds who does not understand the entire function of the brain, is trying to fix my mind. They say the mind is so complex, no computer made yet today can compare to it. So how then are they going to fix it?

I know some professionals who read this will disagree with the above, but you keep forgetting the MAIN point here: You are reading this from the mind of a Bipolar I person, who at this very moment, wants to curl up and turn off all the lights, turn the music on, and try to shut off my thoughts! My mind feels so tired! But do you know what I am going to do? I am going to mow the yard because I have been putting it off, and it may rain again! Remember you are reading this through the eyes on someone who is mentally ill.

This is my blog...good or bad.

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