Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Two Lives - One Mind

A professional blogger told me that I should write at least once per day. This blogger has over 10 different blogs and makes major bucks. Many other blogs I follow publish just about as often. Well, at the present time, I don't see any other blogs in my future and I did not start this for the money.

You see friends, there is no possible way I could write everyday. The last couple I wrote gave you an example of what I deal with and during these times it is difficult, or even impossible for me to write. Hang in there for a little bit and let me give you an example of what I dealt with last week and then I will show you how this will fit into the title of this post.

After coming off a major swing where my mind went totally uncontrollable and was processing information, thoughts and topics at such a rapid pace my mouth could not keep up. Most things that came out of my mouth did not make sense because it was always way behind the thoughts and then my I tried to catch up by changing the subject in mid sentence to play catch-up. As I mentioned, in very s l o w words my wife repeated "slow down." I cannot explain how this makes me so worn out. Unless you are Bipolar, it is hard for you to understand what I mean when I say "my mind gets so tired." During this time I wish it were a computer and I can either put it on "sleep' mode or shut it down "completely." After a few years of treatment, shutting down completely is not my desire anymore so I choose to put it on "sleep" mode which is accomplished by take a very special prescription sleep medicine my psychiatrist gives me just for this purpose that will let the mind sleep.

Last week was a very strange week for me. This used to happen almost every day consistently, but now maybe only a half a day once in a month or so. I did not feel any form of depression and without any other words to describe it I became so ticked off at every little, stupid thing that happened. I knew when my feet hit the floor in the morning it was going to be that kind of day. I dropped my pen on the floor and I got mad. Got ready for work and remembered that I did not brush my teeth and I got upset. I car did not turn on their turn signal and I became enraged. In the mornings when I enjoy 'my time' by myself with my coffee and a stranger walked up and proceeded to carry on a stupid conversation about something I did not give a hoot about ; like which high school baseball team will go all the way to the playoffs. Really though! I know he was being friendly and this normally would not bother me, but that day it ruined my whole day! Things like the above happened every single day Monday - Friday.

Now, this kind of sets up my topic today: My Two Lives-One Mind.

The website address for this blog is HTTP://two-lives-one-mind.blogspot.com. See, this is really what sums up my life day in and day out. Take any of the above days and look at what is happening in my mind and that is one life I have to deal with. Then, (and here's where it becomes extremely difficult to impossible) there is my other life where I have to, must do, and that is act as if there is nothing wrong when I am around anyone. Just imagine for a minute you are experiencing any of the symptoms listed so far anywhere in this blog and you run into someone you have not seen in a long time and you suddenly have to put on the other face and act like nothing is wrong and you are so happy to see them. Do you have any kind of clue, can you even come close to realize how hard that is?? Ok, lets take the day where I was in the darkest depression I had in a long time and I still had to go to work. I was in an office with 10 other people and answered the phone at least 70 times from employees and customers. You all know how you are supposed to handle critical customers that could make or break your company. Try doing that when you are about to cry, when you want to curl up in a ball in a pitch black room under all the covers and not want to even here a dog bark down the street! If you have never experienced anything close to this, oh! how I wish I could type this, and as you read it you would live just FIVE minutes of how that feels!

What a lot of people do not realize is there are different "levels" of Bipolar disorder. Level III is your basic once in a while depression. Level II is a lot worse and has many other symptoms, but where I am - Bipolar I and what some is classified as (Manic Depression) is the worst of all. As I wrote in the title "Symptoms" the list I mentioned was the most extensive symptoms I have researched. Most sites I researched basically agreed on the symptoms but would only cover a short version, while the other sites listed the ones the other did not. I told you of the 20 symptoms I at one time had 18. I also mentioned that site even fell short about 3 -4 other symptoms other sites listed and was brought up during my visits to the doctor. For a long time I lied about them to the doctor, but over time, being the kind of professional she is gave me the look that she knew the truth. I may not ever come out and mention these to you, I don't know if I can, but some ideas in my head that I am going to write about, if you listen carefully, you may come to your own conclusion.

Every day, no matter how small, there are several of these symptoms with me. Some may fade and just as fast another creeps in. I recognize them and wish they would go away. It effects my thoughts, my concentration, my actions and desires. I ask myself over and over "Why can't I be normal?"

So, I continue to live with what is going through my mind, and I continue to try my best and put on the other face when needed. What happens though is I try to avoid the situations where I have to use my other life. Then, if you can understand, I get depressed because I do not have many friends. It is an endless cycle and I get so tired of it.

2 comments:

  1. Hello, I talked to you at W C. about the book you were reading, Touched By Fire. I just read your post, I totally understand everything you wrote, It is so very hard to put into words what goes on in your brain at times.How you want to avoid people, even though you like them, and wanting to " shut down" your brain. I often think I wish I could take my brain out, rinse it off, wring it out and put t back.I will check your blog often , nice to talk to someone who has " been" there.

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  2. Thank you, it was nice to meet someone who reads my blog. I wish you the best, and keep reading!

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