Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Note - I Needed a Break

 I just have to take another break from my subjects I am working on and just sit down and type whatever I feel. I need this. I have missed it because it is kind of therapeutic for me instead of concentrating and "forcing" something that does not seem to want to come out. How do you manage to organize your thoughts about something so important to you, when you are manic, and as you type your mind goes beyond what your fingers are typing to levels of memory and feelings you are not there yet on the keyboard, and that triggers a higher mania making it even more difficult to write, which causes you to become so aggravated and mentally drained you close the computer down? This wasn't really a question I guess, just venting.

The sudden explosion of a new form of madness - if you want to call it that - many months ago has still not settled down. My semi predictable mind that the current medication I was taking for years and worked like magic is gone. New manic swings I have never dealt with change so fast I never know from one minute to the next what I will be, and the degree of all symptoms - major depression, hyper, racing thoughts, irritable, rage, unable to focus on one thing, uneasy thoughts - and on and on until I could fill a page are at a degree I have not had to deal with before. This is still after the change in some of the medicines. I try to accomplish 5 things at once in my mind, but succeed in none. I bought a journal to keep tract of my thoughts and moods daily, but ended up having 3 running at the same time for different purposes.

But, the good news is I have at least worked out some things in my mind and am making progress on how I am going to brake down the topics into three parts - four if I need a break.  Even though each may not be extremely long there is NO way in this world I could sit at one setting and write it. It would be too much on me and I would go over the edge.

I will leave you with another partial quote from a great author, Professor, and manic-depressive patient herself K Jamison. So much she writes I can relate to:


"...the ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against--you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never new those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality."

It seemed as though she new what I am going to write about.

Until then...

"My Mind"

3 comments:

  1. As a writer with bipolar disorder I know exactly what you mean.

    You can use stickies or a text document to make notes of things you need to expand on later instead of trying to get it all down at once - it's often all you need to remember what you want to say

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment and advice. It meant so much to me!

    I agree with you and try just that - I jot things down in notebooks, journals and print articles on thoughts that would fly in at any moment that I can use for that particular subject I want to write. "In" the computer, I write on a document form and edit or change later. Outlined, written so I sit to type (this is so hard to explain) and my mind will NOT let me. It urges me to say what IT feels -then-and-there. When I start that, I have a bolt of urgency that I have to finish that before I get up! The manic phases are so hard to deal with.

    Thanks again, I'll keep trying. I wish you all the best yourself. Email if you like.
    "My Mind"

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  3. It is so hard to go "against" the mind when IT is in controll. Do the best you can--that's all we can do.

    EP

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