Friday, October 21, 2011

I Can Feel it Coming...

Sometimes it comes fast and unexpectedly. Other times I can recognize it, and even though I know it's there and what is coming, I have not found a way yet to stop it. Depression is creeping inside me. Each hour, it is worse than the one before. How severe it will be is always unknown.

With that comes the fear of what might follow. Consulting with my doctor, we have some "thoughts" of the reasons why after all these years the manic-depression has changed, but basically she is as baffled as I am. The mania cycles that come with manic-depression are more severe than ever before and it is scares me. Like I mentioned in the last post, it could be that my mind is thinking of different things that it really had rather leave alone. I don't know. My hope for today is it will be a medium depression followed by a nothing else.

"Others imply they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But theses experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: your irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."

K Jamison

Be back as soon as I can...

"My Mind"

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