Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Rambling Thoughts of a Bipolar Mind

You would think by now I’d learn. Over and over I have made a list in chronological order of what I am going to write next. I have even mentioned to you what the next subject will be. At that time it is hot on my mind, and I sit down…and nothing. I cannot even touch the subject because it seems like some force stronger than me will not allow it. This may seem strange to you but I sit here and write what my mind wants me to write. Does this make any sense to you?

Some who comes to this blog hopes that I will say something that will help them. They want answers. They want remedies. They want cured and I am afraid this blog has let them down. I wish I had all the answers; say something magical and everyone who reads this will feel better. If I could do that, I would also do it for myself. I am not an expert. I don’t have a “magic” cure and you know what? NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER.

The tremendous thing called the internet has hundreds of sites with information about Bipolar. I have searched and searched, but I will Caution You. Check out the source before you draw to any conclusions or try their treatments and recommendations. I have found several that seemed legit only to find out it was another blog from someone who was not a professional, and believe it or not, does not have or never did have Bipolar. See how dangerous that can be? And here’s a shocker for you: many reputable sites even contradict each other. So where do we turn?

I have come to find out that there are several successful blogs written by people with Bipolar who are, in my opinion, actually “padding” reality. They constantly speak of recent attempts of suicide, how the night before they cut themselves up and on and on. One even said as he was writing the article he had a gun to his head. I don’t know…maybe it was true. Page after page…maybe readers want blood. Maybe it excites them.

Listen to me my friends, I will tell you this -- by experience--if I have made it to that point of no return, I would not be writing about it day after day. I believe with all my heart those who talk about it; and yes, will go as far to say those who “blotch” up an attempt of suicide; who always has a safeguard such as knowing someone will walk in any second, IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Trust me. Sure, there could be unexpected circumstances that you had not planned, but when you get to that unspeakable point of no return---nothing can change your mind, you will already have a plan way in advance if you thought about it for some time, it will be successful. BUT… if you feel you are at this point…just wait a couple more days. Think about it some more. Serious thinking. There’s no rush right? Give it a few days or maybe a week. Many…have changed their minds and are here yet today to tell about it. 

I cannot help what I write. This was never intended to be an essay on Bipolar, nor was it designed by someone who thinks he can cure you. It is nothing but the rambling mind of someone who suffers seriously with Bipolar I. Just remember all my poor writing; all my mistakes; every misspelled word; broken up subjects, sentences and paragraphs; every stroke from this keyboard you are reading from someone who is sick. The very words you read are from the mind of Bipolar I (Manic Depression).

I will stop here. My mind has suddenly became very tired. I will not even attempt to say what I will write next. Here's a quote to think about:
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       "But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day—wham!—there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." ~~ –Elizabeth Wurtzel

"My Mind"

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