Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Battle Continues

From a medical standpoint, there are no explanations as to why after years I suddenly had the extreme, long lasting Manic Attack. Nothing in my regular life happened that could have triggered it. I was on the same medication for a long time and although I was not well by any means, it seemed to work as well as could be expected. Before this my doctor would not have thought about switching anything. But this serious episode changed everything.

I am “slowly” starting to wean myself off one drug, and she replaced it with another. After years of taking the same medication, switching is a nightmare in itself. My mind is confused. Try to imagine the state of mind the last time I wrote, and then at the same time changing the chemicals going to the brain.

This will be a short page. I just wanted to say that at this very moment I am doing much better. The  unstoppable, psychosis, severe anxiety to the point of rage has slowly subsided. As I write this, although my mind feels confused and sedated, I am much better.

One thing I do want to add though is what the doctor told me when I informed her I was writing this blog. I said that I do not want to offer advise because everyone is different and I DO NOT want to steer anyone in the wrong way that could hurt them. She agreed, but then she said you don’t have to give advise, but give them the facts. I asked her what she meant and she said: “Don’t hold back anything from them. Tell them exactly how it is. You will hurt them more if you don’t go into detail about your life, when it started, what happened to you, and what you are doing now that helps. Tell them EXACTLY how it is, you can even tell them about your treatment and what medicine works for you, and what did not. They read what you write, so help them by telling them everything, good or bad.”

I think this is good advise. But also very difficult. I have to study this for awhile and decide what direction I want to take, and how to start. It may take me awhile, but I think this blog will change direction soon. I will add some articles that I find interesting in my own weird way just to relieve some of the stress.
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"I wondered if I was just the sum of my brain scan, little dots clustered in my frontal lobe. Is that where the poems came from? The desire to destroy myself? This last depression had scared me. It had come on so quickly, not like the gradual woolgathering in my brain I had known before." –Betsy Lerner, Food and Loathing

"My Mind"

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