Bipolar I: Symptoms: What They Mean and How They Feel --To Come

     I was working on the above title (it may change) when I realized why I was having so much trouble. You see, many of the very things I was writing about, I am going through this very moment. It makes it almost impossible to focus. Here's and example...still taking meds and being treated...of what I am feeling now. I intend to go further in depth with the next post (The above Title) Here are a couple the great attributes of this wonderful illness that is flowing through me: {Notice the mixed states}

Irritable Mood: It would not take much or anyone to set me off.

Tendency to be Easily Distracted: I cannot keep my thought on one thing long enough to finish.

Increased Recklessness: -I leave that one alone for later.

Depression: Where it came from I don't know. Curling up and hiding sounds attractive to me right now.

Guilt: How acted, what I said or did (or may not have said or did) the last couple of days to my family makes the above depression increase dramatically. Friends, as I will bring out later, if possible, people do not realize this can be, and has been for centuries if grouped with just some of the other side-effects, more dangerous and destructive than most combined. I hope you understand this.

I soon will be going to work on a 9 -12 hour stressful job. How can I? But I do. Some may not believe like me, but I say a little Prayer on the way every day. Speaking of the above "Guilt", here's a suicide note written moments before Virginia Woolf killed herself:

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V."

"My Mind"

They do not Understand us...Excerpt from "Night Falls Fast"

I have said it over and over again: No one, even your closest friend; spouse; or parent does not understand what is going through our mind. They may be sympathetic and try to be supportive, but even with love at times they give up and leave us alone to our torment.

This is an excerpt from the book Night falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison:

 "The horror of profound depression, and the hopelessness that usually accompanies it, are hard to imagine for those who have not experienced them. Because their despair is private, it is resistant to clear and compelling description. Novelist Will Stryron, however, in recounting his struggle with suicidal depression, captures vividly the heavy, inescapable pain that can lead to suicide:

"What I begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this caldron, because there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion."

"My Mind"

My Four Minutes of Therapy

Sometimes when things gets real bad and the pressure seems like it is just about to get to me, I have a few things I do that I enjoy; makes me happy; makes me feel good inside even if it is just for a few minutes. The important thing is while doing this, even if it is just a few minutes, the crazy Bipolar mind is at rest! This is the key. 

As you know, I love my Eagles. Oh! How they soar way above the earth, high in the heavens away from all the filth and troubles here on earth. They are made so special nothing or no one can follow them. They are alone in "their" world! I envy them so much.This is a video I love to watch. For a little over four minutes, my crazy mind is gone and I am following these majestic creatures as the soar among beautiful country. The added benefit to this video is I like the group Abba, and the words are perfect.

The lesson here, is for each of you to find that one thing that comforts you. It could be as simple as watching a video, sitting on a porch swing, listening to a certain favorite song...whatever it is it does not matter. Just give that crazy, controllable mind a break. I hope you enjoy this:

"My Mind"

From my Heart to Yours

Many drafts lay in the folder of the blog waiting to be finished and published. Some, hours before, were burning in my heart and I could not wait until I finished them. Then, either the fire was immediately put out or slowly the dark mist came over me that causes me to loose all interest in anything. Writing is too much of a task. My Mind becomes tired. Of all the pages I have published I have went back to them over and over until that "feeling" is right. Tonight I am having a rough time so please overlook any mistakes in writing.

Even though the last two years I have live a live of unimaginable agony mentally, and went through several major trials physically; tonight I am thinking of you. I cannot get you out of my head.

You and I are for the most part are...all ...alone. No one can relate to us. Even our most dear loved ones who stand beside us and try their best to support us  - do not understand us. There are many who will disagree with me when I say that as far as my humble (for what-ever-it's worth) opinion:  it does not matter how long you went to school, what degree you hold, how many patients you treat...unless you live ALL the nightmares that comes with this illness day after long day; begging the night to come so maybe sleep will shield you - OR you wander what it would be like to just kept on sleeping so you won't have to face another day - you will never know what we really go through!

If I am the least qualified, but I'd like to offer some advice or suggestions to you.

1)   Facebook and Social Network Groups

I am happy to see thousands of you joining Bipolar and Mental Illness groups on Facebook and other networks. I am members of many on Facebook and I slip in from time to time to read the latest, click the "like" button and once in awhile comment. I read the dreadful condition you are in and am proud so very many offer support. THAT my friends is what this is all about! I will caution those of you who are new to this illness, please be careful - sometimes on there you are being given advice by many people who may not know or understand your exact situation or understand your problem. Watch the posts the administrator's put on their group site and read them carefully. More often than not you will find some answers to your questions.

2)   Blogs and Websites:

Spend the time to research and find the Blogs and Websites that you not only find interesting but will constantly "feed" you valuable information! This is critical. When I first started I subscribed to so many I was getting over 50 emails a day. OK, so I over did it just a bit. But the lesson here is find the ones you like, trust, and keep watching for them. Not all of them will apply to you "every time" but you will eventually find GOLD! For those of you who may just be getting started if you don't mind I'd like to recommend some of the ones I started out with, and have stayed with them because they are consistent and more importantly have a treasure of information for you. (I cannot list all my favorites so I'm sorry if yours are not mentioned here. I will continue to recommend sites at a later time.) Trust me; this is just a couple to start with as there are hundreds that are helpful:

1) bp Magazine
 ttp://www.bphope.com/

2) Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

3) HealthyPlace
http://www.healthyplace.com/

4)  Kay Redfield Jamison --Face Book
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Living-with-Bipolar-Disorder-Healthline/283614231695971#!/KayRedfieldJamison

5) McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web
http://www.mcmanweb.com/

6) Bipolar Today
http://www.bipolartoday.com/

7) Healthline
http://www.healthline.com/health/depression


Like I mentioned, this is a few that I enjoy and trust you will also.

 Finally and probably the most critical is:

3)  Please --READ; STUDY; DISSECT books written from the best you can find!


As I mentioned above, if I am going to try to help myself understand and learn what I am to expect with this illness of Bipolar (Manic - Depression) than I am going to study someone who not only devoted their life to this illness, but is also a patient. Of course I am talking about Kay Redfield Jamison. Here is just a short biography:

"Kay Redfield Jamison is Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine as well as Honorary Professor of English at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. She is the author of the national best sellers An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, and Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. ...

She is coauthor of the standard medical text on manic-depressive illness and author or coauthor of more than one hundred scientific papers about mood disorders, creativity, and psychopharmacology. Dr. Jamison, the recipient of numerous national and international scientific awards, was distinguished lecturer at Harvard University in 2002 and the Litchfield lecturer at the University of Oxford in 2003. She is a John P. and Catherine T. MacArthur Fellow"

On the right sidebar of this blog you will find the three books mentioned above. Don't worry; I have not seen a dime from the sale of these books. These three books lay in front of me on my desk as I type this. I cannot imagine anyone not reading them. If you do not want to buy them, go to the library and check them out. If you have this illness, and are serious about learning as much as you can about it, there is no reason why you would not read at least these three. 

Well, my mind is shutting down. It's time for me to go. Keep pressing on; encourage someone when you can; and never forget there is a man behind this blog who although fights daily for every inch of peace of mind he can find, is thinking of you and hoping you are ..."hanging in there."

"My (Very Tired) Mind"

"The Mind ...It's Impossible"

"No Human, no matter how intellectual he/she is, can cure another human mind when it did not create it; and moreover is more intricate and measureless than all the galaxies of the worlds put together."

Jerry D Parker