Monday, March 19, 2012

Quick Mental and Physical Update: Summary

"The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body; after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind, and they are in continual danger of breaking the skin and bursting out again."

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I will make this quick because I am not feeling my best at this moment.

I mentioned not long ago that I entered into the New Year with high expectations that 2012 will be a better year for me, which in turn will be better for my family also. Well, if it's ok with you, I'd like to roll back the calendar and start all over. This is the middle of March, and already it has been rough.

On February 16, in the piece "Lack of Writing - An Update" that the years of living under the beautiful Southwest sky has now taken its toll on me. For years this rather fair skin of mine soaked up the scorching hot suns rays. Working outdoors with temperatures in excess of 115 degrees - so hot rattlesnakes was begging for water -as most people knows it usually catches up to you years down the road. In other we get older, we pay the price in the form of skin cancer. Once again, as with the "black blood" of bipolar that runs in my family - of my siblings, I got the worst. My brothers' who lived and worked with me does not seem to have this problem.

This is my third bout with skin cancer. Friday the 9th, I had surgery once again. The cancer was located on my left temple. Realistically, compared to the others it was not that large. There were one three spots not far from each other, one larger that the other two. When the surgeon went in, she found that under the skin however they all connected with one large mass of cancer. Now I bear the incisions and that kind of look like a "star fish." One line starts at the top of my receding forehead and runs down under my eye. The other starts over my ear, crosses the other one and ends over my left eyebrow. The doctor said in time the scars will look rather "pretty." That's just great. A man in his early 50's does not want a scar to look "pretty", but rather masculine, or one that builds character. The good new is the doctor was able to get ALL the cancer, so I will not have to go through radiation again!

Yesterday, sitting at my usual coffee shop, I was not in the best of spirits. I was in that middle stage of depression, irritable and in the mood that I just did not want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. Over the last week, many who had seen the bandages and the large incisions from time to time had asked "What in the world happened to you?" and I would explain. But as I sat there yesterday, I wandered "What kind of scars is left on my mind that no one could see? Fifty-two years of never ending 'manic-depression' surely has left some open wounds or damage to the mind! But they cannot see that. No one will ever see THAT illness, or know that while it is being treated, the disease is still more alive now than ever."

"My Mind"

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