Wednesday, January 4, 2012

"Will I Ever Be Normal?"

I guess you could say this pretty much sums up what I wrote last. Here I sat this morning... time to write; five drafts waiting; a notebook full of notes...and nothing will come. The thoughts that burned inside me late last night, are cold.

This morning I was sitting at my quiet coffee shop where I go every morning. I was reading a book and taking some notes when I stopped, laid the pen down, and watched a couple at a table not far away. For one reason or another I tend to watch people, no, I guess the best way to describe it is "I study people." This was what I was doing. I could not hear what they were saying but I watched them for some time. They were talking and laughing. Once in a while one would check his phone, then pass it over the table to the other sharing what was on it, and they laughed together. Normal people.

I, as I often do, was reminded of the one visit I had with my doctor that stands out more than any other. For a lack of words I guess you could say I was "green" regarding this dreadful illness and had not been seeing the doctor long. I walked over to the window, watching people going about their business downtown, and I asked her "Will I ever be normal? her reply was "It depends on what you call normal." I said pointing down to the crowd of people going about their business, "Like them." She replied "No, you will, no doubt hopefully with treatment and medication get better, but it will never leave you completely. You will not be like them."

My friends, that was depressing! I left feeling worse that when I arrived. Just as I am now, I did not leave her office feeling "Warm and fuzzy inside." 

"My Mind"

8 comments:

  1. do u have problem with controlling your anger when u r not on any medicine, b'coz u sound very much like me on these modern day medicine

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  2. My daughter is also bi~polar. It's taken 20 years, but she is finally on the right medications and the most "normal" she has been in years. Don't give up.

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  3. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. Thank you so much for the comment. "One day at a time."

    EM

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  4. What is normal? For me it is living a full active life to.be interupted, sometimes for months, with severe depression, mixed episodes, no sleep & racing thoughts. To hear "normal" people complain about only getting 5 hours of sleep one nite infuriates me. Right now I would love a nite of sleeping more than 2 hours straight. My world is in limbo, can't work, but not out long enough to get assistance.

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  5. What is normal? My normal is full productive life, interupted my weeks or months of depression, mixed episodes, no sleep, rage & racing thoughts... I want a different normal.

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  6. @tevvers..u sound like me..finally..i found something/someone i can relate too!//thanks

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  7. hey. I never been diagnosed with Bi Polarity, but I have ADD, I have finally started meds for it almost 2 years ago. I feel the things you do now. It is almost impossible to maintain a relationship. I wonder if I am slipping into Bi-Polar disorder, since they are very close related...

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    1. It could be. ADD has several different symptoms as Bipolar - -I would check with your Dr. again. I wish you the very best. Keep in touch.

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